I can not deal with my MIL anymore

[sharkie]

Sharkie, Im so sorry for your loss and that you've had to go through that. And, I'm happy that you have realized that you neither deserve, nor want to deal with that situation anymore. As humans, we don't deserved to be walked on by anyone. Thats why people need to know you have boundries, and what those boundries are. If they can't function within them, the adios amigos!!!

I agree with you totally Holly....sadly though she has a control over my dh and he will never be able to stand up to her...each time he does try a little she will stop talking to him and he feels that sense of abandonment that he felt as a child.....she does that to all 3 of her sons....although I hurt at the ending of my marriage I have a sense of peace that I am doing the right thing.....

[sharkie]

if i could have had it my way that woman would never have been allowed to step one foot in our house...

[super807]

My husband's ex-wife is much the same as how you describe your MIL. I've recently learned that it's called narcissim. Mostly, people don't believe me when I say that this woman doesn't love her daughters, especially women that are mothers as they can't imagine a mother not loving her child. Sadly, I can tell you that it's true.

My youngest stepdaughter moved in with us last year when she was 16. The thing that I have learnt over the years, is that even though her mother is horrible, makes her feel unloved, unwanted, rejected, etc, that woman is still her mother and my stepdaughter longs for a good, loving, relationship with her. My stepdaughter can't see that it won't happen, because as the child in the relationship she can't see her mother through that lens. Even though, when her mother does horrible things to her (like last year, one week before Christmas, call her and telling her that she never wanted to have anything to do with her for the rest of her life - who does this to their 17 year old daughter!?!) she does get angry, upsep, blame her mother, etc. after the horrible event has passed, she goes back to dreaming that maybe, if she just does things right next time, her mother will love her.

I understand the pain of watching someone you love be tortured by that game. Because it is torture. And you are helpless. You can't fix the situation for the person. And you can't tell them how horrible their mother is, or that their mother should not be a part of their life. Because that could drive a wedge between you. You need to support that person you love, you pick up the pieces when they fall apart and you love them. And you seriously think about getting counselling if you have not done so already.

He may one day see his mother as she really is. But he may not because in the relationship with her, he is the child, seeking the unconditional love, comfort, care and attention of his mother. Things that he deserved, and never got. And he may never be able to let go of that dream. And no one else can replace the love of his mother that he never got.

[MrsSunshine]

wow. OP im not sure which advice to give.. the 'i know exactly how you feel'.. long sorted story about my own MIL and comments made to my hubby from her about me.. that would make you all sick.. OR say im so sorry hun, really hope all things work out for you.
unforunately my best advice would be do whats right.. in the long run as everyone has posted it will all come out.. if you REALLY dont' get along with MIL i'd say have her over for xmas day and leave hubby with her find somewhere else to go.. mom's neighbors friends. . if not...well. wish ya luck on that.

with regards to my story. i just REFUSE to speak to my MIL. she made some comments that are just well not acceptable. and sadly she doesn't remember saying them or doesnt' realize how they hurt me.. my husband is still her son and she his mom so they have their relationship. my kids still have a gramma and i understand that. it wouldn't be right for me to take that away. but she knows now that we wont' be talking again until pigs fly or she figures out and apologizes.. even them.. were done.

[sarah_cio]

I like to say: there is the way things are and they way you want them to be- you need to deal with it the way it is. If that means you back off the relationship and your husband has a separate relationship with her then so be it. It is best to step away and let things happen on there own. You also don't want to be the one who keeps your husband from his family.

[lor1492]

in my life, that person is my Mother, not my mother in law. I can never do enough for her, I can't do it well enough, or fast enough and every tiny little thing is a personal insult. She is horrible to my husband of 22 years who has never been anything but kind to her. She hasn't spoken to me since August and I feel quilty to be glad of it but its been so peaceful. She dropped in 3 or 4 times a day, every day, expected me to drop whatever I'm doing and wait on her. That day it was her 3rd visit, I'd had my 4 grandchildren for a week, the youngest was 1. My daughter had gotten married 3 days before, I'd been making jam and had been on my feet for 12 hours... I was so exhausted. She made a nsaty remark about me not making her tea and it tested my patience after such a long day/week/month...I made her the tea and said, you are here 3 times a day, you've been coming here for 30 years. you know where everything is, you could make your own tea. I'm exhausted and you are lucky I made it, maybe next time I've been on my feet for 12 hours you could make my tea instead!" so instead of telling me off, she turned around and flew into my husband, calling him names, then she flew into my mother in law, who has lived with me for 3 years and I've never had a problem with her...she stormed off and hasn't spoken to me since....typical and predictable. I was the last of her children still speaking to her. I feel sad that an 80 year old woman is alone but at the same time its her choice....I feel more sorry for my family and the abuse they have taken from her. She has some good qualities but the good is easily overwhelmed by the negative crap she dishes out to people on a daily basis. I have spent so long miserable, trying to live up to her expectations and always failing....I won't tell you to be the better person, you already are, but I also won't tell you that being the better person somehow requires you to suffer to prove it. Cut toxic people out while your kids are young because there are times when the price is too high, not only for you but for them as well.

[erin9mmm]

All these moms, mom-in-laws just make life miserable for themselves. They only have themselves to blame but unfortunately they never seem to recognize that.

[jasperandchar]

I agree therapy would definately help your husband. I wish you the best of luck with this situation, discuss it with your husband and try and come to a mutual decision maybe she could come for the morning and if things go well then ask her if she wishes to stay a little longer, etc. Is your husband an only child? Just wondering because maybe her other children said no.

It may be an idea for your husband to go into therapy so that he can talk to a professional about his childhood, come to terms with the situation and learn positive ways to deal with her?

It must be horrible for him to have to deal with that. So sorry.

[kokobear666]

This is a toxic environment for everybody, but I know exactly what it's like to be in your husband's shoes. I've got a family like your MIL, and when I was in my long term relationship, they hated that I was no longer dependent on them, and that I was in a common law relationship with a woman. However, I spent most of that relationship trying desperately to have them love us all the same. I was always hanging onto that hope that one day they would. This is how I handled my situation.

I knew where to draw the lines in the sand where they'd cross them constantly. If they disrespected her, myself, anyone or anything I loved, that would be it. We would leave or have them leave on the spot. There would be no contact until they apologized.

I knew it was wrong to continually put us in a bad situation, but the way I thought was that one day they'd swallow their ignorance and at least respect me as a fully grown adult.at some point, but they didn't.

Your husband's probably not going to do what I did if your MIL does come down, but that doesn't mean you can't. If you can't tolerate what your MIL says, you have a right to walk out of the room/house with the little one for a little while. No one is holding your husband back either. I do believe he'll come to a point like me and yourself where he won't tolerate it anymore. Just give him time, stick by him and listen to what he has to say, regardless if you want ot hear it or not.