Should I be Annoyed? (Marriage/Relationships/Etc)

[andmunn]

Hi All,

Not sure if this is the right place - but I'm slightly annoyed with the whole situation, so i wanted to post it here. Some quick background, me and the wife have been married for 11 years, with 4 wonderful kids. She's originally from the US, but moved up to Canada to live here, and has been here for 11 years as well. She has no family here, but seems to have a lot of friends (Realistically, more than me LOL).

Generally speaking, everything is good (more or less), and we are happy. But one thing about our situation irks me. My wife has a good friend (a man - recently divorced with two kids). This friend used to tutor her for a specific course she was taking to try to get into a specific university program. After the tutoring finished, they became great friends. That being said, it's gotten to the point that i'm annoyed that they spend so much time together.

For example, for the past 6 months or so - every Tuesday (and i mean every single Tuesday) he comes over with his kids for dinner, on us - to have a playdate. Every Wednesday, he picks her up @ 8pm, and they go out to some friends place (used to be some of his friends) till past midnight. I've made a point now to be out of the house every Tuesday, as i'm not particularly fond of this individual because:

1) I found he was texting "Sexual" position to my wife
2) Asked my wife to delete all his text message (apparently for "legal" reasons during his divorce proceedings). NOTE - i told my wife that i don't like this - and she has since stopped deleting them.
3) Has sent messages to my wife stating "Do you care if i come over, i know your husband doesn't want me there, but i don't care". My wife has also told him i'm not particularly fond of him - but he still comes over a lot
4) has stated he wants to find someone "like my wife".

These things have just made me uncomfortable. Then i'm annoyed by "smaller things" such as, coming home yesterday (Thursday) i find him there - in my parking spot - playing board games with my daughter. Anyways, i just left.

In addition to above, my wife obviously spends a lot of her time on the phone, and spending much more time (other than the Tuesday/Wednesday arrangement above) with him.

I know my wife is not cheating on me - but i'm just annoying with the whole situation. She's become his "support person" during his divorce proceedings, has helped him move/pack houses during the divorce (i.e.// spend a whole day there), goes to his court hearings, helps him plans his birthday parties for his kids, etc etc and much more.

So - am i being irrational - or as my wife says - i'm being selfish. I know my wife misses her family - and she tells me to think of him as "one of the girls" - but i still find myself annoyed.

Thoughts?
Andrew.

[Anna Michele]

Oh Andrew I commend yiu for putting up with this for so ong my DH wouldn't have it. I have a male friend ive known since i was 14 and try not to mention him to hubby as I would not want him to get the wrong idea.
Thete would never be anything between us but if hubby asked me to not talk to him or see him anymore I would do it in a heartbeat for the sake of my family.
My friend has a child with a woman they fight and he calls often and I di t think hubby likes it.
There is def no feelings other than friennds from either obe of us.
Your situation seems to differ in the fact that this man friend seems interested in your wife. Have you taked to her. He must have other friends he can lean on during his divorce. I would hate to see you or the kids get hurt. She really shouldnt be spending extended time with him. Especially til after dark I am not sayong anythinfg is ging on but if the tables were turned I would not have it. Not my man.

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[Natalka]

You need to discuss this thoroughly with your wife - you can't put any blame on the man here.
She is the one allowing the friendship, and how it is affecting your life.

Your marriage comes first, and I sure hope your wife can come to see that more clearly.

I had many close male friends before I got married to my husband, but I sure know how he felt about them - and, once married, those were curtailed.

You aren't being selfish, nor irrational. Even if they aren't doing anything sexual, their emotional closeness is akin to cheating.... because it's drawing away from the relationship between the two of you - and putting a strain on it to boot.

She's investing too much of herself in him, in his life - and that should be saved only for you and your family.

Wishing you luck with all of this.

[Jina]

I trust your wife won't cheat on you but I do not trust the guy. He's becoming more and more dependent on your wife and I'm afraid he might develop feelings for her. He should find other people around him for support, not just your wife.

You and your wife need to have a discussion about this and how this is affecting you. I find writing a letter works for me when I'm upset with DH because if we discuss in person, some things are said that we cannot take back, whereas, when we write it, we can think carefully about what we have to say and how to phrase it correctly.

I know the feeling of missing family. I don't have any family here and DH has parents, brother and a lot of relatives here, and I don't have friends either, but I wouldn't let a friend, especially a guy, come between DH and I. If this person was making DH uncomfortable, I'd do something about it. This is why it's important you talk to your wife about this. Your wife is lucky to have other friends. She could spend more time with the others friends and less with the guy.

[ROMEO]

Where there's Smoke there's Fire , Hope you both get on the same Wave on this Guy

[andmunn]

Thanks - i have tried to talk with the wife - but in the end (after a discussion) i always end up feeling guilty that i'm trying to keep her away from a good friend. When i bring it up with her, her response a lot of the time is "if he bothers you when he's here, i'll just go over to his house instead with the kids"....

Jina - I do like the recommendation about the letter.... thanks for suggesting.

It really comes down to - I LIKE her having lots of friends (boys, girls, couples, etc) - but I'm just feeling overwhelmed with her relationships with this guy and i feel super guilty about it.

Andrew.

[DiamondLil]

Youre not being irrational. But your wife needs to establish boundaries with this friend of hers. Having regular weekly date nights with him is definitely over stepping the boundaries of friendship. I just wonder how she would react if the shoe was on the other foot.

Being a good friend, and providing support to a friend, is good. But it seems like this friend is establishing a relationship with your wife that goes beyond friendship. Would she (and you) be open to changing the status quo and make Tuesday evenings family nights (or date nights for just the 2 of you)?

[Jina]

I think your wife has find a way to make herself feel important and needed.
How is it at home? Is she involved in a lot of your kids activities, parties, etc? Do you go out often and spend time as a family? Do you and your wife go out sometimes or spend time together as a couple?

I'm trying to figure out why she'd spend so much time with him and how he has become someone important in her life. It's like someone trying to fill a gap. How often do you go see her family abroad? or how often does her family come over for a visit? I find I need to see my family every 1-2 years because I miss them a lot. I'm lucky I see my parents each year.

[DiamondLil]

Again, why is it a "must" that she and her friend have to see each other every tuesday night? He has become a significant part of her life, too significant if you ask me.

If this was me and my hubby was seeing another woman on a regular weekly basis, I would put a stop to it. NOT meaning my hubby cant have female friends, but someone who is sexting my dh, someone who says the would want a relationship with someone "like my spouse", and someone who is investing so much emotion in a friendship is someone who is trying to have a relationship with my spouse. Its a dangerous situation, and I know you trust your wife. Its the friend I dont trust. He knows he is creating a rift with you and your wife.

This could also be dangerous in the future if your wife rejects her friends advances.

[Darth Penguin]

I think this is the time when you should be looking at marriage guidance couonciling from a trained professional either as a couple or alone. I don't feel this is a healthy relationship between the 3 of you. They appear to be co-dependant on each other for some reason.

An unintereasted third party may have some way of helping you both to effectively communicate your concerns, feelings and doubts about what's happening.

How do your children feel about him being over or going to his house? They shouldn't feel that they are forced to be with some-one they don't want to be with.

I don't think they are having a sexual realtionship but thier emotional relationship is the one that I find disturbing. Hopefully, it's just a bit of mutual ego-boosting..ie, "I'm still attractive to the opposite sex even though I'm a mother/getting a divorce".
Emotionally cheating on your spouse can be more devistating for some people than a sexual affair.

Good luck. You really need to talk to her again without feeling guilty about him. The fact that her responce to you not wanting him in the house is go somewhere else to be with him sends up huge red signals to me...She knows that it is making you gulty and she's then accusing you of being selfish when you want to spend time with her...Or rather her to spend less time with him. That's strange..

I totally understand how she feel being away from family. we moved here in 2000 and we both left family and friends behind and had to make new friends. It's hard especially in the early years.

[andmunn]

Hi,

Jina - you bring up a great point. I do agree me and my wife probably need more time alone (Together). We really don't get much time alone, if it all ever. She goes out a couple times a week, i go out (sports) a couple times a week - and frankly, given 4 kids + 1 income, we really can't afford a babysitter to go out once a week. It's probably something i should look into and figure out. Agreed that we definitely need more time alone. We've talked about this before, and I really need to make a point to encourage more alone time.

A lot of it comes down to (as she's expressed to me) is she is home with kids, alone, a lot of the time. She's a stay at home mom, and likes the "adult connection". I can totally see that. So she hangs out with the individual quite a bit. It really didn't bother me that much, until it started becoming 4-5 times/week.

Regarding seeing her family, historically we've gone once a year, at the beginning twice a year. However, we haven't been to see her family now for about 18 months. We are looking at going this November (~ 2 years since last visit).

DiamondLi - I think you also hit something that bother me - my wife's friend KNOWS it bothers me that he spends so much time with my wife/at our house. My wife has told him how i feel (she confides with him a LOT of time after our conversations). Yet, he obviously doesn't care. That really irks me.

The wife also says it wouldn't bother her if i spent time with another girl - but i don't necessarily believe that

Anrew.

[Darth Penguin]

oops! double posted some how..

[Lynn49]

As someone who's been happily married for 44 years, and have seen my share of couples break up, I have to say, you have a problem. You're not being selfish or unreasonable one single bit! So put that out of your head.

Imagine!! Going on a date with another man, to a PARTY, without her husband??!! Is she allowed to date? Are you?

Sorry to be so flip, but she's not only taking you for granted, she's not considering what this is doing emotionally to you and YOU should be her first priority, not this other guy. I was going to type "creep" because that's what I feel he is. He should go out and find someone single to have his emotional kicks with.

The time has come for not only a serious discussion, but for you to put your foot down once and for all. If she won't find a more healthy "adult relationship", then it's time for serious counselling. It probably is, anyway, since she doesn't seem to realize what this may be doing to her and your marriage. This, in my opinion, is intolerable.

Good luck....you may not like the outcome, but you'll know where you stand.

[andmunn]

Darth,

Just saw your post. I think my children don't mind him over at all. He plays games with the kids, his own kids are very nice, and really i don't think there is an issue here.

Again - thanks for your post. I'm hoping i can better express my reservations/concerns .....Again, i feel we have a fairly strong relationship/marriage - we've been through a lot togehter and i generally love her to death - and i'm sure she feels the same about me. So im'hoping this can be resolved through "talking it out"....

Thanks for your help.
Andrew.

[andmunn]

Lynn,

Thanks for the post - i just wanted to note here that my wife has told me multiple times that if i told her to stop talking with this guy, she would. And that our marriage/family takes priority.

But that's not really what i want because 1) i want her to have friends (and he is a good friend to her), and 2) i'm sure she would hate me deep down if i ever told her to stop talking to someone in particular. I don't want to come out "controlling".

I really just want her to see that i'm uncomfortable with the whole situation, and work through it together.

Also - to your note about going on a date with another man. No, we are not allowed to date other people LOL. I wouldn't call what she does on tuesady's nights a date, it's just "friends hanging out".

Andrew.