Where Do You Draw The Line?

[Ciel]

OP, you are not going out with her to restos with SIL anymore-get the word out to the brother about how many times she has stiffed family on bills and she's on your ____ list now. This year, take the year off from attending her family's gift-giving occasions and see if she notices.

Anna Michele's option 3 sounds good!

To OP's question about hostess/host gifts: it is customary for some meals if it's being held to celebrate something (wine/liquor/box of Laura Secord chocolates or candy or sometimes an actual non-food gift with a little card signed). The only time extended family is asked (well, the female relatives ask) to bring food might be for desserts at a bridal shower, wedding reception or funeral reception luncheon to help out. It's assumed the host/hostess are supplying food and drink if they invited people. Usually female relatives might help out with cleaning up the tables.

Minou, your relations thought you were their defacto caterer? For every request, you should have asked for their $$ contribution to the purchase of supplies-that would have stopped the order line. You're right, it's financially hard to cover everyone's occasions esp. if one side parties for any reason possible on weekends (one has to have weekends to do their own activities). There are some relatives I don't see often due to fact the kids are now young adults with school/work/social lives of their own and sometimes they might have better lifestyles than I have! So gift giving tends to drop off after elementary school for cousin's kids. Not even in regular contact with my cousins of my generation.

[Linda Evans]

avoid her if possible...why let her ruin your mood.
if u go to dinner, tell the waitress seperate bills BEFORE u order.

& stop spending o much money on her kids. do u have kids & what does he get them for xmas/birthdays?

[Nina1]

So ALL Families have one of these moochers?











So ALL families have one of these moochers?
go figure!

[Ciel]

Most families have one that is all of the above or skips the bill payment or is cheap/not a gift giver. In terms of friends, everyone has one of these "friends" in their social set (until the door is closed).

[Arvilish]

I would avoid that person too! i.e. cut it in your life

Few year ago when my parents were away, I had an environmentally-killer roommate. Before she came, our electric/water bill was always around $150-$200 for three people. This person would laundry at least 8 times a day, every. single. day! Then came a bill in the amount of $780! Then she whined about how high the bills are [well she is one who does laundry at 1:00 am; who wash one piece of cloth in a washing machine? laundro-holic!]. Next bill, same, and she refused to pay so we just kick her out and used money from her deposit to pay the bill. She lived with us for 2 months and it was hell! We got rid of her because that was the easiest way possible to solve the solution.

[super807]

OP, I am sorry to hear this. It's hard when a family member behaves in a way that make family get-togethers somewhat unpleasant.

Is your SIL your brother's wife or your husband's sister? Or is she your husband's brother's wife? Have you spoken to your brother (if her wife) or your husband (if his sister) about your feelings regarding her behaviour? You might want to try that, as it may be better if that person speaks to her, not you. If she's your husband's brother's wife, them perhaps your husband should speak to his brother about it.

I understand your desire to speak with her, but I think that the things you stated you would like to say to her would likely make the situation more difficult, not better. If confronted that way, she will likely get defensive, not hear the message, and will get ticked with you. If you do speak with her, perhaps try having a conversation with her where you simply ask her if there is a reason she hasn't been contributing to the family meal. The answer might surprise you. Or she might make excuses. But perhaps there is a reason you are not aware of. But if you talk with her conversationally rather than confronting her, you might have a better outcome.

A word of caution: Although you know how much money she earns, you might not be fully aware of her true financial picture. Sadly, many people with generous salaries are not in a good place financially, as not everyone handles money well.

As to hostess gifts, we don't bring them to family members. I do bring them when invited to dinner elsewhere. My oldest sister tends to host the family meals as her house is more suitable, but we all contribute to the meal. I brought the roasted vegetables for Christmas dinner, as well as a cranberry baked brie. My other sister brought the potatoes, stuffing and dessert platter. My nephews and their wives usually bring an appetizer, dessert or a salad. The hosting sister did the turkey and gravy and all the work of having us there. But we always discuss who is bringing what, as it is a formal meal, not a potluck. Perhaps assigning your sil a dish to bring would solve it. My brother doesn't usually contribute, but as he can't cook and we know him well, we just don't expect it of him. That said, when everyone came to my house on Christmas Eve, my brother did bring a bottle of wine. We know he's not cheap, rather, he's just not capable ;-)

[toban]

I agree with asking for separate bills at restaurants before ordering. I don't think you are being unreasonable. I always bring a hostess gift if attending a Christmas dinner or function (bottle of wine, chocolates etc). And if it's the routine family/friend dinner, I always bring a dish (dessert etc). If I'm not sure whether I'm suppose to, I will ask the hostess. Some will decline. But at least I know.

And yes I have a moocher in the family. Not exactly the same as the OP mentioned.

[Jina]

I guess everyone has some like your SIL in their family lol

My SIL (DH brother's wife) is kinda of cheap too, when she wants too. If she is hosting at her house, she'll buy big and expensive stuff to show off. When she comes over and I'm hosting, she'll always be at least 1hr late then ask if I need help (uh food is ready already, a bit late no?), and will bring stuff what she of her family likes, not something that everyone will enjoy. So, what I do now, I don't plan the dinner based on what she's going to bring and I make sure I'm always inviting other people who makes the effort of showing up on time so that her constant lateness doesn't affect us. We get the party started serving canapes and wine with or without her.

She also takes advantage of her old mom who's nearing the 90s and my DH's parents who are in their 80s for free daycare for all her 3 kids. Not that she cannot afford it, she's a bank manager with 6 figure salary. No, she's just cheap and likes to have the grandmas cook and feed her kids everyday. She comes back home at 7pm, BIL put the kids to bed at 8pm. In the morning BIL wakes up at 7am get the kids ready for school by 7:30am. She's up at 8am. The day we bought a Ford Escape and her husband (BIL) said he wouldn't mind driving a Ford too, she laughed and said "honey, you are not driving a Ford are you?". She likes to show off her BMW. That's my SIL.

I would just ignore your SIL. It's just a mind gave, like passive-aggressive. I'm sure she knows what she's doing. Just don't let this affect you. I started to feel better the day I started to see my SIL less and ignoring her. When I go to her place, I do my own thing, and avoid any conversation with her. I stay polite, but nothing more.

[LisaLisaBoBisa]

I wonder if this is your husbands sister - if so are you going out for dinner with "her" family? If that's the case who else is complaining about paying for her? If it's "her" family maybe they are OK with footing the bill for her.. Maybe she doesn't think it's a big deal if her brother or sisters or parents pay for her meal and maybe they don't either.. Otherwise, why keep doing it? You are at the end of the day an in-law and maybe not privy to how everyone else feels about it.. I would have just left her portion to the others - if they want to pay for her let them - I find siblings/parents - natural family members a lot more forgiving of bad behaviour than in-laws.. I know I put up with more from my sister than I ever would my SIL..

[jamesfranco]

I have an aunt (mother's sister) like this. One year she got my mother a set of salt and pepper shakers from Lawtons that still had the $5.99 price tag on them, and we were at the store when she picked them out when it was on sale for 25% off. Meanwhile my mother had spent about $100.00 on her .

To make matters worse my mother's cousin was in the hospital in a coma (back in March) and my mother and her siblings had decided to go to Superstore to buy followers for their sick cousin, who unfortunately ended up passing away later that night. They ended up spending about $80.00 in flowers, which my cheap aunt helped choose out. But when it came time to pay for them my cheap aunt didn't chip in but INSISTED they use her PC Plus card and that she carry the flowers into the hospital, despite the fact that she didn't pay a cent for them.

My cheap aunt has money, but I guess she thinks she is outsmarting everyone by being an asshole.

[toronto166]

Ugh...I have a SIL who thinks she's a princess (DH's sister). It doesn't matter what family function my husband's family has going on, we are all asked to bring food. I "ALWAYS" bring way, way more than any of his own brothers and sisters bring. I usually end up making 3 to 4 different dishes to functions. This particular SIL shows up "ALWAYS" with a bag of cookies . Are you kidding me?? Yes she has money so this drives me crazy. She's just cheap and lazy!!

[Ciel]

@toronto166 , next time bring the milk only (leave food at home) and see what happens with the cookies. It'll be interesting.

[toban]

I have a SIL who think she is a princess too lol. Not so much as in cheap. More or less an air of snobbery. I try to get along with her and usually do. Sometimes she goes too far with her fussiness and being *itchy. I'm just glad I'm not the same way.

[saveadollardiva]

In my opinion, when, you invite someone over for dinner and or any other event you are hosting at home, as a guest, they, don't have to bring you anything. They are a guest, not the hosts of the event. Yes, it is proper to bring something of course (which I would do and or do), but, for the most part, you can not expect everyone to bring you something, even, if most of the people you invite do. In regards to the dinner part, yes, she should have paid her part.

The next time you go to dinner with her, and, she leaves when the bill comes, I would wait for her to come back. Then, when she comes back I would say something around the lines of "Oh I was waiting for you to see how you would like to pay your portion of the bill? I didn't know how you wanted to pay, I am doing cash, are you doing cash or credit card ?" This is a simple way of saying in a nice way "pay your portion." You don't have to comfort her on it, but, you can do simple small things for her to get the hint. Also, if you keep paying for her, then, she will just keep doing it.