Crossroads in my life

[gameprogirl]

Hi everyone, I hope all is well. I've been ghosting here for 6 months now. Haven't actively participated too much but I'm trying to work out my grief still which has been terrible at times. I'm getting better. Thank you for all your kind words and support during this past while.

I figured I'd lay a question on all of you.

I'm 35, with a 20 year old son. My son is my husband's stepson, we have no children together and we have been married 10 years this May but been together 16 years. My husband is older than me, he's 44. Is it weird to consider having a second child when my first child is 20? I also have health issues so I'm not entirely sure how my body would handle pregnancy but I'm thinking about it......Does anyone have experience with large age gaps between children? The reason I never had more children sooner is because I wasn't ready at all. I had my first child as a teen which wasn't a well thought out plan. I don't regret my son in the least, he's awesome in every way, I regret not being ready for him and being so stressed out and too young to handle situations better.

I feel like I'm missing something in my life. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Positive/Negative, go for it.

[terry2144]

Go with your heart! Only you really know your answer. Don't let the past dictate your future. If you decide it's a go..let us know ...we'll be cheering for you.

[iheartcoupons]

Go with your heart! Only you really know your answer. Don't let the past dictate your future. If you decide it's a go..let us know ...we'll be cheering for you.

I agree! also, if you're not sure your body can handle the pregnancy, but still want another child, maybe consider adoption?

[walkonby]

Go with your heart! Only you really know your answer. Don't let the past dictate your future. If you decide it's a go..let us know ...we'll be cheering for you.

I have no personal experience with big age gaps between kids, BUT we did start our family later in life, so I can comment about having kids after 35 yrs of age. The energy level does drop at some point and for every woman that is different, also remember that menopause may be kicking in right around the teen years if you do decide to go ahead with getting pregnant soon.
Is your DH on board with this choice now, many men may feel past their prime fathering a child after 44 yrs of age thinking they cannot " run and play " with their kids if they are older Dads.
I guess it also depends on your financial situation and your ongoing health issues, as well as the health of your spouse. Can these things bear the strain of a child? If so then that can be a beautiful addition to your family! Also one more thing, does your son live with you and if he does will he feel his life will be negatively impacted or positively affected with the addition of a new brother or sister?
Whatever you decide I hope for the best for you!

[Shwa Girl]

OP, welcome back. Sorry to hear about your Dad and how hard it is for you. Were you offered grief counseling?

OP, I think you have asked and answered your own question
1. feeling something is missing
2. your health problems
3. age of the father, esp. when the new child is a teen (16 year old child and 60 year old father)
4. grieving
5. age of the mother versus age of the eggs

I think you have the answers. If you want a medical opinion, a genetic counselor may be best. Your family doc may be able to refer you.
Take your time in making your decision.

Thanks for sharing with us and asking for our opinion.

[thriftygranny]

I will share my experience with you !!
I had my first daughter a week after my 20th birthday, my second 16 months later. My marriage fell apart for various reasons and remarried when I was 28 and had my third daughter at 29 we decided one more was in the cards but had a tough time conceiving and didn't have my son until I was 38. I have enjoyed being a mother at all my ages!! I think I was too young to be the best parent I could be with my first two but I absolutely feel I did the best I could. I was a bit more tired with my last due to peri menopause starting at 41. I have never regretted having my last at 38, I have been honored to be a mother to all four children, all the kids are very close. I have had some unexpected heart issues and I do worry that I don't want to leave my 17 year old without a mother, but this could happen at any age and I have to be positive that my health is in good hands. My 34 year old daughter is just now trying for her first child and I think that is the norm these days for a lot of couples.
Good luck in whatever you choose!!

[Cake]

My brother is 20 years younger than I. We get along great and are close.
I had my only child at 37. We were ready and had a wonderful time raising our son.

Good Luck with what ever you decide.

[dahliagrower]

Thanks for sharing your questions with us. Lots of good experiences to draw on here - to conclude that if you want to make it work - it will. I had my only son later also .... you certainly have less energy and probably higher expectations all around but you also have more experience and better coping strategies than a younger parent might. If you feel it's the right thing to do - then go with your heart

[MortgageQueen]

Well, I must say right off the bat that I'm someone who is childless, so take that as you may. I think children are a wonderful blessing but also a huge responsibility. They deserve our best.

The one thing I see in your post is that you feel like "something" is missing in your life. There could be many reasons for that. One is your very sad loss, another may be you are entering a different age/phase of your life. Sometimes in both of these cases, we need to confirm our reason for being. . .or validate our existence in some way. This is a difficult feeling to pin down and address.

My only reason for pointing this out is this requires a lot of self-reflection (as you are obviously doing) and it is very much a joint decision with your husband, as you are equally involved. There are many fulfilling ventures you could explore for your future. I would dig deep into yourself and think about the things you've always wanted to do, explore, try, etc.

If starting a new family is what you truly want (and your husband) than good for you. Just be sure of your motivations. Regardless, someone who puts so much thought into it as you have, cannot help but be an excellent mom. . . at any age.

[sweet sparrow]

I don't think it's weird to consider a second child when your first is 20. Children come at all stages of life; some planned, some surprises, but as long as there's a loving family to welcome them.... I thought I read a story in the paper the other day that a lady from Toronto had a baby at 56. She said she wanted older women to know that it was possible and very worth it. Some people are ready later in life. There's many of us on SC. You'd be in good company.

Your doctor would be a good source to start. Without all the emotions and questions about whether or not you're ready, capable, etc., he/she can give you an objective opinion of any risks or issues that might come up.

As for large age gaps between children, my oldest sibling is 23 years older. My next oldest sibling is 22 years older. We get along fine and I always loved when they visited. I was home with mom and they were off in the big city, graduated and working, but would come home every holiday. I'd run up to hug them when they arrived and cried when they left. My sister taught me how to read before kindergarten and brought me my favourite treat - gummy bears! Christmas was the best time as we would always be in the same house. Mom and Dad always had time for me since the other children were grown and they made so much food when family got together!

Oh, only good memories!

Just between you and me, my sister and brother who are about a year apart are always locking horns. DH and his sister are 10 months apart and they always fought growing up (in a nice way, of course!).

[gameprogirl]

Thanks for all the great comments. My husband is on board with anything I want to do. My son is still living at home, he's not thrilled with the idea at all. He likes being the only one LOL

[saddlebag]

there is 9 years between my children...as long as you and you hubby want this...why not?

the only thing is whatever your health is...like others said, discuss it with your Dr...good luck