My mom won't help me

[Granger]

Possibly your direct asking her will make her review her actions. But she is an independant adult and isn't accountable to any-one to explain how she wishes to spend her time.

She's allowed to be selfish and deny your children her time and attention...and yes....It will hurt. It will hurt you, your husband and your children. And it will hurt your mother and the rest of your extended family..

Life is about taking both positive and negative experiences and growing beyond them. You appear to have a supportive network outside your biological family..For the moment rely on them and dial down on your bio-family..They might surprise you by suddenly wanting to be involved...

This is wise advise.

I'm not seeing the rant as a 'babysitter' rant at all, but rather a daughter feeling hurt by her own Mother appearing to not want to spend time with her child like she does with the other grandchildren.

I read it that way too.

I babysit one grandson all summer long, then when I'm in Canada, I pick him up at school (grade 1 this year, but last year I had to pick him up at noon every day), and keep him till his mom is off work. Now I have 5 DD's, 4 of which have children. All my dd's are hardworking people, but some, require more help than others, and as a parent we sense these things.
...
I hope you can talk with her, and that everything gets laid out on the table. As a mom, the last thing I would ever want is for a DD, SIL, or any grandchild to feel the way you are feeling.

With my own mother and hard feelings, the hard conversations always bring us closer.

Like it or not older children tend to get strapped with being the "responsible" child, no matter how old they are. I bet she is feeling worn from all the help she gives your brother and her reaction to you asking was just a combination of stress and maybe a bad day.

I am the oldest and I definitely agree.

My own thoughts as a mom of two young ones. I would be hurt that it felt/sounded like grandma did not want to spend time with my children. My MIL will drop anything to spend time with her grandchildren including work (she is self-employed). My mother will not. However, both make time. I go to mom when I have lots of notice and my MIL when I don't. Babysitting is not babysitting to them it is invested time into relationships of people they love.

Aside: both times I went into labour my mom complained because it didn't fit her schedule! Love that woman, she constantly reminds me to be flexible!

I hope things work out!

[ex0ticb3lla]

I have, after a busy week and a day of babysitting, been upset when another DD calls and asks us to babysit, and believe me, it's NOTHING to do with the children, or even them, every time, it's just been a terrible week, and a person just wants to lay low and recharge without having to look after more children. Of coarse, I always babysit and don't say anything, but I can relate to how your mom could feel that way.

I am in a similar position as the OP with my in laws. My father in law works 8pm-8am during the week and has Saturday/Sunday off, and my mother in law works 6am-2pm monday to friday (both have jobs they need to drive at least 45 minutes to). My in laws live a 5 minute drive from our drive way to theirs. I work monday to friday 10am - 6pm and my husband works 6pm - 11pm part time (we have almost always done this to prevent paying for daycare). There may be 1 or 2 days a week we require daycare and 95% of the time my parents (who live 30 minutes away) come down for the hour of babysitting My husband and I only have 1 child (he's 5). My brother in law (a useless twit in his own right), has 1 son from a prior relationship (he's 10) and a new baby from a current relationship (4 months old).

My in laws will take our nephew every other weekend Friday night at 5:30pm (like clockwork) until Saturday evening at 6pm. Since my brother in law and his gf do not drive, my mother in law is required to pick him up at his job at 5:30 and drive him home, then drive back to her place with our nephew (and do it all again the next day). He says he needs the daycare because he rarely has anyone to watch our nephew on saturdays (keep in mind his gf is now on mat leave - they live together - so ya you do have daycare).

Most of the time my parents will babysit if my husband and I want to do a movie night (which is once in a blue moon). We are lucky in the sense that my parents are always willing to do it. I feel bad asking my parents ALL.THE.TIME do it, when they know my in laws live 5 minutes from us.

What ticks my husband off is that when he does call for an hour or even a movie night "babysitting" request (i hate calling it that because it's their grandchildren they should feel it as babysitting - but more spending time with their grandchild), they usually get the "well we are so tired because we watched the other child all weekend", or "your dad only has every other weekend off".

I took it upon myself to address the matter with them saying that if they are so exhausted from all the work they do caring for the other child, that they have no time to visit with their other grandson, then maybe it be high time that they address the fact that they cannot take our nephew overnight anymore and limit it to one weekend a month.

I'm sorry but I highly resent this statement you make only because of the fact that if one grandchild is consuming so much of your time, that you resent the fact that you have to watch ANOTHER grandchild who so rarely requests it, why wouldn't you address it with the child who's consuming all that time, rather than get upset with the DD calling at the time!?

[Kalmel]

Well i see it this way. my kids are my responsibilty and not my parents. Yes, i have a similar story in my family..but i learned over time to take care of my own and if my parents offers to help out..great and if not well i dont dwell on it. I want people to want to be part of my kids life ..not because they feel they have too but because they really want too. When my mom calls to spend time with my girls, it makes me really happy because somewhere between washing dishes, she probably said to herself..hey, i miss them and think i'll ask to spend time with them.

Just my opinion.. i would just let it go.

[marstec]

I agree that it's a deeper issue than the mother simply not wanting to babysit. The daughter can't help but feel a sense of rejection due to her mother choosing to help a sibling over her. I don't really think it helps to confront the mother over this...she is the way she is, and the daughter is just going to have to lower her expectations of her mother. It sounds like a very cynical point of view, but no one can disappoint you if you don't expect something of them in the first place.

[TTBY]

I have to agreee with a few of the above posts. ....

Well said

[kerrylj]

I know my mom loved to babysit when she could and jumps at the chance to babysit my brother's son. However my children's fathers parents rarely spent time with them or would watch them. She would babysit for her daughter all the time 3 girls but helping me out.... happened maybe 3 times in 15 years.

It is crappy but sometimes it happens. Try and have a plan B.

[screamy]

I don't have kids of my own, but definitely feel like my mom favours my sister over me in almost every way. It's very painful.

Pick a time where you won't be distracted, go somewhere neutral (not either home), make notes in advance so if you get emotional you can stay focused/get back on track, pack tissues and use "I" statements ("I feel like you care more about my brother because...", "I feel hurt when...", etc.). If she gets upset with you, remind her that you're not accusing her of doing anything intentionally to hurt you, just telling her that you FEEL a certain way when she does X.

As I once said to a good friend, not crying isn't being brave. Confronting the stuff you know scares you enough to make you want to cry, and doing it anyway, is real bravery.

So - I'm crossing my fingers for you, this is a tough situation. And cry if you feel it coming on, it's cathartic. Good luck, I hope it works out well.

[Minou]

I agree with the posters who are saying that the grandmother is probably tired from working full-time and being expected to help with babysitting. My SIL had a baby at about 20. She stayed with the father. Of course, they didn't even try to arrange their schedules to accommodate being home on the weekend if one parent was working... SIL would even trade co-workers for weekend shifts when she knew her guy was working also, because it gave her a day off during the week to herself while her son was at daycare. For a while, she expected that my husband and I, who had no kids at the time, and were both working all week (and I was taking university courses on top of it) would be regular babysitters while she worked weekends (most weekends!) or wanted to go out to a movie on a Saturday night. My husband didn't seem to know how to say no when she called him, which caused us a lot of conflict. I finally had to tell her that we were busy with her own things and were only available to help in a true emergency or when she had to go to something like a wedding. She was not happy. For the next couple of years, she continued with the same work schedule (which really could have been changed for the most part), and my FIL and his new wife (who also work full-time) ended up bearing the brunt of the sitting until they encouraged her to get a different job. There was just no reason for her to change her own life with people being so accommodating to her. When they were no longer cooperating, she had to do something to solve the problem.

Parents really can't assume that other people are going to meet their expectations in terms of involvement with their children. Maybe talking with your mom will reveal her frustrations with babysitting every Friday for your brother. Maybe she'll have to learn to say "no" there, too, and force him to make other arrangements.

[Shwa Girl]

OP, when you were little, did your grandmother take care of you when your mother had to go out?
Just curiousl

[kellyschool1]

I feel you on your mother not wanting to babysit, mine does the exact thing. Mine always complains when I ask her to do something for me, which is very rare since I am sick and tired of hearing the garbage excuses. My mother will watch my brothers dog and complain about that! That she doesnt want to watch it and its a DOG!

What I do is not ask her. I am a single mother and full time student. I dont have time to have some that isnt reliable. I DO NOT depend on anyone but myself that way I am never disappointed. I am not comparing my situation with yours I am just trying to say you are not alone and I understand. Its not so easy to just tell your mother of all ppl that you think they are not doing something.

GL and just walk away and do it yourself and your hubby. Take care.

[KrazE]

It can be very difficult when you have little ones and feel like you have no-one to rely on, I've been there in more ways then most people.

When my four were 11, 10, 7 & 6, and I was a newly single Mom, and working full time, I had absolutely no-one I could turn to for any childcare help. In fact, for a month, my ex refused to help with any care for his kids unless I PAID him $20 every time he came over in the morning during the week so I could go to work very early & be home for the kids after school (yes, I'm not kidding - that didn't go over well with the Judge in court several months later, she ripped into him big time) until I finally found a high school student down the street that could help out (they travelled on the same bus for both elementary & high school), and after being ripped apart in court, he had to help with his kids at no charge (how unthinkable!).

I had, and still have no family near at all; my Mom lives in the USA and has only met the last two boys twice in their lives.

Finding yourself reliable care that is not family sometimes is the best option as it can alleviate any expectations or bad feelings in the family when it doesn't turn out the way you might have hoped it would.

Good luck though, and I hope things work out for you.

[Qtpi]

No, my grandmother did not watch me when I was little. My mother is oldest of six children, I am the 11th grandchild on my mother's side. My mother had 2 children from a previous marriage, my brother is 11 years older than I and my sister was 8 years older that I, so my older siblings babysat me and my younger brother, and I babysat my younger brother when I was old enough.
So my grandmother was much older by the time I showed up, and did not watch me, but now that I think about it, I watched my mother's kid for years.....
Thanks for all the support. I do think that my mother thinks my brother needs more help than I. I sort of spoke with her, she will watch my child on the Friday. It is difficult to speak with her about things, she doesn't like to be told she has done anything wrong. Also, my parents will continue to do what they have always done, make me feel like I am making a big deal about nothing and getting upset unnecessarily. I just have to let this go and find someone else to help me when I need it.

[MommyMelanie2007]

Do you really want her to babysit for you? If she is angry about doing it will she be kind to your daughter? I dont ask anyone to look after my daughter, I did once so I could go to a out of town funeral. My mom didn't follow the schedule at all and then complained because she wouldnt nap when she wanted her too and she wouldn't stop crying ( because she was tired) so she ended up giving her tylenol to get her to sleep. I have never asked her since. She also called me every 15 mins the next day when we were on our way home to know when we would be home as she needed to go to the store. She could of taken her with her or left with her my dad. I have also had 2 other sets of grandparents who have told me straight out they will not ever look after my daughter unless she is potty trained. She is 5 years old and we have been told she will never potty train. I dont ask anyone anymore.

[Darth Penguin]

In fact, for a month, my ex refused to help with any care for his kids unless I PAID him $20 every time he came over in the morning during the week so I could go to work very early & be home for the kids after school

You know every time I feel the human race can't get any lower...some-one shows me how wrong I am....Sorry you had to deal with that.

(yes, I'm not kidding - that didn't go over well with the Judge in court several months later, she ripped into him big time)

Hurray for sensible judges...

and after being ripped apart in court, he had to help with his kids at no charge (how unthinkable!).

one of the things I've frequently seen on "Father's rights" boards is how they b!tch about having to look after thier kids while claiming they want a greater share of custody.

I had, and still have no family near at all

Me neither... physically our closest family is in Ontario. emotionally it's on the other side of the pond..

[hollyquaiscer]

Have to agree with you Darth! Talk about an all time low. KrazE, I'm so happy to hear that the judge ripped your ex an new a$$hole. He is one. What kind of a man (and I use that term very very loosley here, in fact man may not even fit) would do something like that to his children.