The Pampered Ladies Package Train

[slambert]

Ladies I know this is a long read but after the craptastic day I've had it made me smile...actually it damn near made me pee my pants. I hope it makes you smile too I'm sure we can all think of at least one man in our lives that would do this!

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

[julesie-pie]

Buddy question I am going to our local trade fair this weekend one of local companies is called very berry honey out of Tofield ( they have a website) they make the most amazing organic honey mixed with all sorts of fruits and spices http://www.bearyberryhoney.com/index.php

Buddy can I pick you up any?

The website is slow to load for me but I love buckwheat honey.

for my cousin - no because she is diabetic

[julesie-pie]

Right well I'm off to bed now as hubby has just informed me that we have to leave at 6am tomorrow! Yikes early! I leave you wish this as it made me laugh.

[juliejolie]

Buddy question I am going to our local trade fair this weekend one of local companies is called very berry honey out of Tofield ( they have a website) they make the most amazing organic honey mixed with all sorts of fruits and spices http://www.bearyberryhoney.com/index.php

Buddy can I pick you up any?

Their vinegrettes look tasty! I'd love those to put on my salad.

I just hate it sometimes! People try to undermind me, Ive had friends and family try and sneak him icecream and other things and I've freaked on them. I can tell them a million times but they think of me like a joke or something... They act like I deprive him of these thinga, but if he has never had them how the heck can he miss them?!?!?! So frustrating sometimes. I will start letting DS drink juice this summer though. I think. Lol.

Sent from my GT-S7560M using Tapatalk 2

I know what you mean! My DD prefers to drink water and milk instead of sugary drinks.

[army_girl29]

here is more info...
Magazine - celebrity magazines or cosmo
Baths or showers - bath, but very allergic to scents
green products - LOVE!!
make-up - lip gloss and blush
nailpolish - pinks - I just wear on my toenails
spa package - pedicure, face mask
coupon binder- big one, need more hockey card holders
body sprays - no thanks
family frame - no but a dog one would be cool
dollar store items - post -its, envelopes
favorite restaurant - italian
natural pet treats - sure
girl guide cookies - sure - chocolate covered mint ones are my fav
beanies - no thanks - not into it
home décor, candleholders - yes, as previously stated

Have a great night!

[chesterjes]

awesome!!!

Oh oh, I need to brag about DS's awesomeness. We have been potty training aince about 18months. He is two now and will go to the potty when he needs to during the day but only for a pee. When he has to poop he usually tells us too late!! So today we were at mall and he says he needs to poop, omg we were on the other side of the mall i didnt think we'd make it to the washroom. But when we fibally got there i was surprised that he was fully clean and dry in the pull up. We had to wait for the family washroom but when he sat down he pooped and peed!! He was so happy, and i was so proud that we came home with a totally clean pull up!! Go DS!

Sent from my GT-S7560M using Tapatalk 2

[chesterjes]

either or is good with me

Question for my buddy! Would you like a themed package (everything geared for say. . . your garden as an example) or would you like a box of randomness?

[dlee]

Buddy question I am going to our local trade fair this weekend one of local companies is called very berry honey out of Tofield ( they have a website) they make the most amazing organic honey mixed with all sorts of fruits and spices http://www.bearyberryhoney.com/index.php

Buddy can I pick you up any?

sounds delicious! yes please!

[shawlightning]

oh dear.....caught up on 20 pages and still have 8 more to go................ will catch up in the morning and will finally have time to answer all the questions. i have answered some but i will put them all in one post for my buddy!

[KK7]

I am so confused on the questions lol I think I missed some but not sure so if I did buddy get someone else to yell at me
I just got home from work and had a very healthy dinner Captain Crunch ; ) lol
I did get good news tonight my boss is going to train me to open : ) I have closed since apx Sept'ish but moving up to opening yippie

[chesterjes]

i just got a coupon bag and love it...dont use my binder anymore

oh finally my turn..
Buddy do you need a new coupon binder. ?

[chesterjes]

Buddy would you like a photo frame that says Family on it?

What type of body sprays do you like? brand also

would love one that says family
for sprays i like light or fruity scents

[chesterjes]

Finally able to have some time to catch up! Before I forget......I have buddy questions...

What is your favourite restaurant?

If you have fur kids, are you ok with home made (natural, wheat free) treats?

Ok, off to catch up and answer questions, back soon!

swiss chalet, opa, montanas, etc

[chesterjes]

Buddy does your little ones like beanie babies? you?

oh my yes

[Peachykeen2007]

I just realized that Manitoba has MANY license plates - what about the rest of the provinces