what can i say?

[madchives]

my dad's girlfriend's daughter. ann, is dying.
i speak with joyce (her mom) almost every day
and now i am at what to say, besides
the weather and dad,,,which is the usual,
and only what joyce talks about,,,,

i need to be able to say more, but am at a loss.
thanks for any suggestions,

[Shwa Girl]

Sorry to hear this.

Joyce should bring up the topic.
Sometimes she may not want to speak.
Ask how she is doing. Tell her you are there for her and remind her that she can call you.
Just listening goes a long way.

• Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
• Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."
• Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how [Joyce] feels on any given day.

Source: American Cancer Society

[TaraF]

madchives, just dealing with illness (let alone dying) is hard, and even though there are certain guidelines one should follow (as Shwa Girl pointed out) I honestly think the main thing is making it known you are there. I'd personally start with "how are you feeling? Are you up to chatting today?" because she may not even feel like talking.

[MortgageQueen]

Very good advice from both Shwa Girl and Tara. I think Tara makes a good point about simply asking if she's up to chatting? That is an open ended question that is likely to tell you where she is on the scale of happy/sad/coping.

If she feels like talking (or listening) sometimes just talking about everyday stuff makes the world seem a little more normal. Even a silly little joke is a distraction. . . like the expression says, comic "relief".

[Patty Smyth]

I agree with the above advice, good luck Maddy.

[avoncallingu]

I'm very sorry to hear this! I think you are being a very good support by giving her a call. Good advice from the people above.

[madchives]

thanks a lot everyone, and you are right i should just ask and
listen.
so have to call her when dad (who has the damn alzheimer's is busy)
as i think that is the only time she can talk much, poor lady.
apparently my brain was off over there, so thanks again.


and i almost always do some silly comic relief, mortagequeen.

heard ann is fading fast, and wondering if i should be daring enough
to ask to go see ann. i meet her once, spoke a few times on the phone
years ago, but feel ,,, shoot i should just ask joyce what she thinks then.
joyce has been taking care of my dad for years,, so thinking someone
should,,, and my brothers are having thier wives phone.
sorry i guess this post is mainly me talking to myself, i so should shut it down now.
think i am at a loss of words now for joyce, gee what could i say to ann?

[frugal50]

listening is more important than talking, you don't need to say anything.... just be there.

[Skippy]

No need to apologize,lots of good advice here. How very kind of you to want to reach out to both mother and daughter.

[madchives]

ann went into the hospital to figure out why she had
so much pain, a tumour the size of a baby was found
and so surgery was set.
then as a result of the biopsy - a very aggressive cancer.
and after a few days, all hope was gone.

ann never made it to the palliative care area.

guessing some have seen/heard this poem before
written by mary elizabeth frye:
i suggested it for my dear aunt jean's service,
and read it to ann's mom yesterday,
although i needed kleenex's

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Do_Not_...Grave_and_Weep

thinking i will hear it on saturday,
so sad an ending of ann's life,,,here,,,

[Skippy]

I am so sorry for your loss,prayer offered for all concerned.

[Patty Smyth]

Wow such sad news. A tragic end. Hope you are holding up o.k.

[Mia001]

thinking of you and her family

[madchives]

was so very quick and so very sad, thanks everyone.
usually speak with joyce at night, and often interrupt joyce speaking with ann,
i know the feelings one has when you can't reach the person you want to.

[Natalka]

So very sorry to learn of this - big hugs for you, and wishing everyone peace and grace as they deal with it all.