Insecurities.. or otherwise dunno how to word it ...

[tasha313]

Im just wondering.. well .. actually its bugging me a bit lots...
Im happy to be back with DH the thing thats bothering me though is that he has soooo many friends..
im actually jealous

Like .. his bday is coming up he has over 100 confirmed guests.. .at my bday .. one ... 1 single person showed up and i feel it was by pity. Hes always on the phone, everyone calls to get news from him, everyone wants to be his friend.. This may sound soooo childish but noooo one calls me or nothing.. sometimes i feel like a total loser and now with a baby, house and job i feel its impossible to make friends and ill be like this forever.. I feel like im bitter towards him cause he has friends and a life and i dont. He says if we do things with his friends theyre like my friends.. but no..
they dont call to get my news or nothing.. or call me to do stuff.. He just gets annoyed if i talk to him about it.. I find myself not even looking forward to his bday cause hell be having a blast and ill be sitting around looking nice thinking how i have to change diapers the next day...

Does this make any sense ??? ...

To make matters worse.. I feel like im gettin huge since i restarted work in an office sitting all day... so im trying to watch my eating ... sooo hard... urgh.. and makes me feel even more dull and lonely.. DH is here with me doesnt go out like before and all but im feeling that jealousy and feeling like a loser anyway..

What should i do... I dont know how to fix this.. Sorry to sound so childish...

[daisybear]

Tasha, don't be silly you have tons of friend...but we're all stuck inside your computer!!

Why not join a sport, then you would have your teammates. Even if you didn't hang out with them outside of the 'games' you would still have an inside group of friends. I might make you feel better by both friends and excerise.

I do know how you feel my best friend (like a sister) has a lot of other friends and although I know I can tag along anytime I makes me feel weird cause they aren't my friends.

I'm sure that you will have no problem making new friends, everyone here loves you!

[Litesandsirens911]

feelings are not childish, but jealousy is " insecurities we have with ourselves"...You are most likely overwhelmed with everything right now, and maybe your DH has lots of friends, but as he said, really his friends are your friends too by association.If this was how it was when you got together, you can't blame him for being a social butterfly, lol..
I suggest that YOU join a mom&tot group to meet other moms that are your age with babies, maybe they are feeling like that too...I was very shy but I found a few wonderful friends and you don't really need a 100 friends, just a couple really good ones that are there for you no matter what...are there others in your office you can maybe get DH to babysit once a week or so and you and the other girls can go out for a nice dinner or a movie? What about joining an aquafit class? You can join with a friend, or go by yourself and meet friends there, usually they are women only classes and it's fun cause it's to music and it helps you get fit...you say you feel you are gaining weight, well sometimes it's hard not to eat cause we are bored, and i am guilty of that too...just make a clear decision to drink more water when you are hungry and make good food choices...can you join a walking group? there again, you can meet other people and make friends...
I personally am a really family oriented person, as is my husband, so we only have 3 couples we are very close to, and we chose to spend any spare time we have together...we have never spent a day apart or without each other or the kids in 8 years, and we like it that way...when we do go out, it is always as a couple with the other couple or two, usually to dinner or a movie or even just coffee out.
Hope that helped..
PS: You are beautiful, so don't be hard on yourself!

[papillon]

I get the same way sometimes with my boyfriend. I understand how hard it is and I do get jealous that his friends are there for him at the drop of a hat but I hardly even get birthday wishes. I've learned to be friends with his guy friend's girlfriends. They're now my actual friends and we do chat from time to time without our bf's influence. We also met mutual friends by taking our dog to the dog park together. Is there anyone you'd want to maybe get to know in your office? I'm super shy so it's really hard for me to make friends, but I've learned to be a little more social with the help of my bf. I hope this helps a bit.

[lessthanthree]

Ugh in some ways I know how you feel. I stay home with the baby while he works, and then he comes home and is too tired to do anything, so I'm stuck in the house sometimes a week at a time without an outing. now that it's nicer out I'll be going for walks.

I moved here a year ago and I don't know anyone except my fiance's family, and he always asks me to come out with him and his friends because "his friends are my friends", but whenever I do, I can totally tell I bring everyone down I guess? They totally don't like me, and it's not really fun for any of them cause we have to bring the baby along.

Are there any groups you can join there? There's something called Kids First here and it's for people with young children. they get together once and awhile and go bowling or swimming and stuff. its a neat way to meet new people, and it's free!

[tasha313]

Thanks so much ill def be looking into groups or something Keep it coming id love as many suggestions as possible need to get out of this its horrible

[terryberry]

I second the idea of joining a team. I play indoor and outdoor soccer. You get great exercise, go for a beer after the game. Sometimes there are bbq's, birthday parties. You might also click with one or more of your team mates and develop a freindship. It's great!

[Mia001]

mom&tot, was exactly what i wanted to suggest you...and as you are in Qc , if you love crafting, and learn knitting, crocheting...etc...you can join "le cercle des fermières" of your area....you'll find there many kind women who will cheer you up for sure and maybe some friends...you can check on their website and find out if you are interested....

[tasha313]

Thanks so much everyone

[Natalka]

It's not childish at all - it's just what it is at the stage you are at.
Part of it is you not waiting for people to come to you - YOU need to get out there, do lots of things, make friends. Sure it's different with a child, but you still need a life.
Plus, there are just differences in people - some people 'need' dozens of aquaintances, while others just 'need' a friend or several to do things with, talk with, etc.
The other answerers here have made some great suggestions for places to meet people, to do things.
Sometimes it's the people with the '100s of friends' who are the most insecure, actually.... they always need people around themselves to validate them.

And, I must add, with you and a baby, he should really be spending the bulk of his time with you two - whether at home or out.

[anisa]

you have every right to feel left out. honestly he should be spending time with his family.
and i doubt all 100 of those friends are actually friends, a lot of time ppl are just acquaintances who throw around the word "friend" a lot

your hubby has a family, and he should spend his spare time with you. might sound weird to some, but really that is what growing up and settling down is all about. of course he should be social, but it should be with you at his side, not in situations where you are discluded.

when i got married, hubby pretty much left all his single friends behind. we hang out together as a couple and as a family, and it makes us stronger.

you definitly need to explore your social life as well, but he needs to maybe realize that his single days are gone if he wants to party like he's still single, maybe he should do all the work for his bday party by himself, haha.

don't feel bad about how you feel because it's not at all inappropriate. you're his wife, and half of his life, and his friends are not automaticly yours.

[Lynn49]

Hon, I felt exactly the same way you did when my DH and I were married...we moved to a new town, he had his work and his co-workers and, as there was no work for me to do there, I was at home with our dog. I was so jealous of him, and particularly his female co-workers...I felt like a dishrag.
Thing is...when I finally got to the point where my self-esteem grew a little more, I was able to go to their get-togethers (I was always invited) and realize that I'M the one he married and loves, and they'd just have to deal with it! Turns out they were great people and we made good friends while we were there. I was shy, but I didn't fight it...I just sat quietly for the first few times and eventually someone would come over and talk to me..then another..then eventually I was able to overcome my shyness.

It's hard, really hard to be at home with little ones all day, while your DH is out there, socializing, joking at work, having lunches out, while you're dealing with diapers and spit-up. Been there, done that. Like Natalka said...it's just where you're at right now, we've all been there at one point or another. Don't get down on yourself...go out with his friends, even if it feels uncomfortable right now, and eventually they WILL get to know you and even if you don't end up with 100 bestest friends, you might just find one gal who's going through exactly what you're going through, who has young kids, too. Must be at least one, right?

This phase will pass, I promise. You received great ideas from the gals on here about joining social groups or sports groups, or walking clubs...and it really is up to you to seek out your contacts..no one will find you at home.

The thing is....will he be as accommodating babysitting while you go to your group events as you are when he goes out? Balance is the key here...and yes, spend more time as a family...those are the most rewarding times...good luck...

[tasha313]

He spends alot of time at home. He goes out every once in a while. (unlike before we got back together) Its just he has all that many friends.. if hes on fb everyone talks to him he has 10 convos open.. always missed calls or texts .. always chitchats on the phone always gets invited to everything ect. I am at work right now and its a bummer im an admin so my office is all alone while everyone else (including DH) is in the same room (collection floor).. and yes me and DH work in the same place. So i rarely leave my office and i dont even eat at the same time as everyone so i guess sports or groups are the way to go cant wait to get through this phase. all your advice is soooo appreciated

[orv]

oh know that awful.. and i know EXACTLY how you feel... i say.. look forward to the nice weather.. go take a walk through the mall with your little one.. go to the park.. the only way to meet people is to be out! ... if you have any kind of indoor play areas those are good too YMCA, have gyms and usually a daycare(like 3$ an hour or so) to watch your child, while you work out, or even both of you swim. ect.. hope those idea helps (because i personally wouldnt want to join a sport.. lol)

[tasha313]

oh know that awful.. and i know EXACTLY how you feel... i say.. look forward to the nice weather.. go take a walk through the mall with your little one.. go to the park.. the only way to meet people is to be out! ... if you have any kind of indoor play areas those are good too YMCA, have gyms and usually a daycare(like 3$ an hour or so) to watch your child, while you work out, or even both of you swim. ect.. hope those idea helps (because i personally wouldnt want to join a sport.. lol)

Good idea