When do I not feel like a failure?

[TudorChick]

Yesterday I go swimming woth my father and law and his new wife,who was his two girls' (aged 3-5) nanny when his wife died of cancer..that is a whole other story but anyway,i notice that the 3 year old girl,my husbands little sister,is not using diapers anymore.she was the last time i saw her about 3 weeks ago.

little bit of a back story.his wife i s a very nice lady.moved here from the phillippines and left her brothers and sisters behind to live here.she met my father in law because his wife was dying of cancer,and hand picked her to be the nanny for the two girls.she has been their mother since the oldest was 2 and the youngest was 6 months.

anyhow the only thing i think is she thinks we are way behind,my husband and I,and even though she is nice,i think she is underhandedly attacking our parenting for not having our son who is a year older than the youngest potty trained.

We have tried everything.books,movies,making him sit on the toilet,treats,bribes,taking things away.everything she has suggested.We feel like total failures because our son cannot go to preschool until he is trained.do i make him sit on the toilet at all ours of the day in tears?this is what my friend suggested.she said boys take longer than girls and that she made her son do it,and now he doesn't.but i think that may set him up for psychological problems later in life.making him sit there all day.

the one consensus in all of the books and videos i have watched and read is,don't force them.

my son is 4 in may.i feel like a big fat FAILure.tell me i am not alone and the worst possible parent in the world...i made it through what i though was the tough part,keeping a baby alive and healthy..now comes the transition into school...

[Judstir]

For one thing...all children train at difference stages. You can't compare them. I believe that girls do train easier than boys. Don't let yourself feel a failure, it has to do with the child and when he is ready. Although if the child is just being difficult and does know when he is doing the "business" you must just keep trying to get him unto the potty and encourage him as much as you can. Once the idea of the potty and what it is meant for clicks in his little head the rest is a breeze. Don't feel like it is your fault unless you give in too easily and give up. Best of Luck.

[Zonny]

Stop beating yourself up! Isn't it amazing how some parents think that being a parent is some kind of competition? Who's the biggest, who started walking first, who's writing their name while they're still in the womb. I had a friend who has a child the same age as mine, she was the queen of being ahead as far as her child was concerned. In fact, I know that she LIED about some things that she said her kid was doing, just to make it sound as though she were further ahead?

Boys do take longer than girls I'm told, and some kids are simply trained faster than others (or their parents are!). Are you using pullups? When we stopped that, there were a few accidents, but that was how he started to get potty trained.

Mine was potty trained at age three, but he just turned five and STILL has to wear a diaper to bed. We've tried a lot of things, he simply does not wake up to go pee. Now we've resigned ourselves to the fact that it will come, and chances are he won't be heading off to college still in a diaper.

I know it's hard when it's a family member, but try not to let it bother you.

[Judstir]

Oh I forgot to mention that a good idea is to just go ahead and put him in cute little underwear and not diapers around the house. If he goes a few times in them and realizes the difference between them and a diaper and pull-ups (which do nothing at all in the training process) IMHO. because they are just like a diaper. Most children are shocked when the first time they pee in underwear and see and feel it they soon learn that it is not such a nice feeling. It worked on many of my daycare babies and believe I've trained about half the kids I watched over the years. Now I'm working on my Great Grand baby girl who is 18 months and always tells me after she pees, so I know she is ready.

[TudorChick]

he is using pullups,because we bought underwear and he simply went in them too.i don't know if it is him just not wanting to,as when we try he cries for the diaper.it's bad.. "no...my diaper".yeah,that is what he does.one day i rea din a book to pretend you are out of diapers.

i went to him and i pointed to his pants and i said "this is your last pull up.we are out until mommy can go to the store. he just said "walmart..diaper"

he #2'd right through the underwear.he is a vey smart kid.my husband and I think that he just maybe is attatched to the diapers.lol...he cries for them when they are gone.summer is coming,maybe i can let him go commando?

[Kaz]

Read to him, teach him his alphabet, in the end when they are going to university no one cares and it sure doesn't matter when they stopped peeing there pants! Lol that's just my opinion, I have a very smart preteen that certainly wasn't trained as young as my friends kids especially the girls. The when and where of potty training doesn't go on the college application and it doesn't make them better, kinder or well mannered and that is what is important in the long run! Take care and don't be so hard on yourself

[lekate]

You're not a failure at all! I'm no parent, but I've been told pull ups don't really help with toilet training. And to be fair, my twin brother and I learned potty training at different times, although I think my mom got us on the toilet earlier, 2X2 years of diapers seems less pleasant than one child....

[screamy]

As long as your kid is healthy, I wouldn't worry about it a bit. And if she says anything about it, just tell her "If that's the biggest problem I have with my child, I'll take it!".

God forbid, but there are lots of other things that are much more serious that could be wrong. She should keep her nose out of it unless you ask her for her opinion.

[nadiabreckon]

You are not a failure! Every child is different, and it will always be that way! People seem to think that kids should be walking, potty trained, talking, etc as soon as they're born these days! We are trying to potty train DS at the moment too and I totally understand your frustration with it...He refuses to sit on his floor potty and will only sit on the toilet potty (but will not do anything, and cry to get off). So, diapers it is until he's ready. We are not forcing him, but are offering stickers and special treats as a way of telling him good job...mainly little toys, not necessarily food...

Keep up your awesome parenting skills, you are a wonderful mother and know that we are always here for you!

[ottawagurl20]

you are not a failure. i know what ur going through.. my son did not want anything to do with the potty till he was 4.
all children are different, and need different methods of potty training..
what worked for us was a rewards chart with stickers, after a certain amount of stickers he would get a little toy from the dollar store.
also getting him to pick out his own "big boy underpants"
it also helped for him to pee in the potty at the same time daddy went to pee. put a few cherios at the bottom of his potty to help him aim. my son thought that was funny.
it can be frustrating at times but take your time and dont push him, he will let you know when he is ready.

[Jezebel]

omigosh you are deff not a failure !! there is a large age diff between my lil bro and I 15+ years and at 4 he was still in diapers ! he did have his 'big boy " underpants but we would encourage him to use the potty offer rewards ect... but one day he just decided to use the potty like zonny said he still needed overnight pull-ups but during the day he was fine once "he made the choice" he was going to use the potty.....

[Midnightly]

you are not a failure, my daughter is 3(nearly 3.5) and she still isn't potty trained.. she knows what to do but it can be a battle most days to get her to sit and stay on the potty when she'd rather be playing.. just tell yourself what i tell myself he'll get the hang on day soon and give up the pull ups afterall he's not going to be 19 going off to college still wearing a diaper

i agree with you they are smart little creatures they know what they want and they will do what they need to do to get it.. weather it be a power struggle, giving you the stink eye (toodles is a master of this) or putting on the big flirt (again toodles is a master) they will fight tooth and nail if they want something and honestly.. it's better to just pick your battles

if you about the preschool route call around to other preschools.. if they are anything like they are around here i'm sure there are a few in your area that allows non-potty trained kids (some here kids have to be train others are ok with kids not trained)

[Zonny]

And another note on this, it's VERY common for kids to want to poop in a diaper, not in the potty/toilet. Even when they're potty trained for pee, some will ask for a diaper when they have to poop.

We didn't have this problem, but friends have, one even had their child end up with a problem because her parents wouldn't give her a diaper for it and she held it, ended up getting all backed up.

IMO, every kid will do it in their own time. There's no prize for being the first to be trained. It took a bit for us using just underwear and sending extra clothes to daycare. He'd get tied up playing and not think to head for the bathroom. I think it was three accidents in a day before they put them back in a diaper at daycare. It took a few days of several accidents a day until suddenly he just 'got it' and recogonized the feeling of having to go pee before it happened. Sometimes he'd pee a bit before he realized he had to go - totally normal IMO.

Good luck!

[DH666]

Every kid has his own agenda. Both of mine were over 3 years old before they were potty trained. With DS, he just didn't care and with DD, she likes to do things her way and will rationalize every thing just so she has it her way. I know some kids who are potty trained at two, but that's them, it wasn't mine. All kids eventually walk, eventually talk, eventually get potty trained... You're not a failure, it's just that it's a longer process with some kids than others.

[DH666]

And another note on this, it's VERY common for kids to want to poop in a diaper, not in the potty/toilet. Even when they're potty trained for pee, some will ask for a diaper when they have to poop.

My daughter did that! She even put on her own diapers so we had to hide them so we would know when she had to go. That backfired a few times.