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Thread: How often do grandparents visit?

  1. #1
    Junior Canuck
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    So I just had a huge argument with my parents who are of the impression that we should be bringing our kids to see them and that I shouldn't be upset and think they don't care because they never see our kids 2 yrs and 3 months old. (We only have 1 car that I take to work everyday.)
    They have come to our house no more than 5 times in the last 2 years (last time was Christmas) . Is it asking too much that they make some time even once a month to come visit? I don't think I'm being unreasonable but maybe I'm wrong. Lately (past 6 months) they have had health problems but I still think they should make the time to come see their grandkids.
    His often do you parents/inlaws visit?
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    jnazurk
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    I'm not sure what their reasoning. I know my mom tries hard to walk a fine line of being involved/not too involved.

    We live two provinces apart so we are lucky if we meet up twice a year. Inlaws have passed away.

    Have you tried having a talk with them, trying your best to keep emotional feelings at bay? Start by saying how important they are to you and how much you want them involved in your children's lives? I think if you truly want to move forward you would have to forget what has happened in the past or else you will just be mad. Start fresh, don't point fingers and don't keep score (I obviously haven't been involved in your discussions so far and am only offering advice that has worked for me. It may or may not apply to your situation. I'm just trying to help)

    You didn't mention how far away they are but it sounds like they are close. Maybe you can meet in the middle or make an even schedule? What about Internet cameras and phone calls?
    Hard to know what the answer is without understanding their side too.

    Hope that helps

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    Junior Canuck
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    Thanks for the input, they used to live about 40 mins away and have moved a month ago to only 10 mins away. To go onto the whole situation would take too long, but DD was born 10 weeks early at 2 lbs 2 oz, things have been really tough for us with a 2 yr old as well and no help. we've been out of the hospital for 4 weeks now and they have not come to visit/help once yet. Its Sad that our kids miss out on grandparents the most.
    Seems like most of the people we know, the grandparents make a point to visit/help out at least once a month, my parents make that seem an outrageous thing to do and even more outrageous that I should expect they make an effort to see them.
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    Smart Canuck Kitty77's Avatar
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    Mastersaver, so sorry to read about your situation. Hope things can get sorted out, you sound tired and rightfully so, take care of each other.

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    Smart Canuck GeorgiaK's Avatar
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    My parents have health problems and my dad hates to drive all the way to the country to see us (only 40 minutes away), so I make it a point to go see them with DS at least once per week, weather permitting. They rarely come over, but hey, they're older.

    My DH goes to see his parents at least once every two weeks with DS. Again they live in the city and are not in good health, so driving is not an option for them.

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    Junior Canuck
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    I should add that they are still young 56 and 60.

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    Canadian Genius xox2010's Avatar
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    I don't have kids but I find it strange that they live 10 mins away and yet never come to see you Do they have a car?

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    jnazurk
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    Quote Originally Posted by mastersaver View Post
    Thanks for the input, they used to live about 40 mins away and have moved a month ago to only 10 mins away. To go onto the whole situation would take too long, but DD was born 10 weeks early at 2 lbs 2 oz, things have been really tough for us with a 2 yr old as well and no help. we've been out of the hospital for 4 weeks now and they have not come to visit/help once yet. Its Sad that our kids miss out on grandparents the most.
    Seems like most of the people we know, the grandparents make a point to visit/help out at least once a month, my parents make that seem an outrageous thing to do and even more outrageous that I should expect they make an effort to see them.
    OMG that's horrible! I had major complications with my DD (we both almost died) and I don't even know what I would have done without my mom being here. She even stayed an extra month because I couldn't do anything around here (couldn't even hold my DD). I don't know the whole situation, but when the cards are down that's when your family should be there, for sure!

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    Smart Canuck
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    lol my Mom rarely came to visit and now that we've moved out east it'll be awhile :p
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    Smart Canuck lilo0003's Avatar
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    OP I am so sorry to hear that your parents have not embraced gradparenting. If my parents were 10 minutes away my mom would be in heaven. We live about 90 minutes from both set of grandparents and we try to see them at least once a month. Until recently my 85 yr old father in law drove down every week...really every week for 11 yrs to see our boys. He started the day we had our 1st son. He has only scaled back because I worry about him driving the county roads at night so now he does this every other week. He picks them up from school and they hang with grandpy. We are so lucky.
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    My sisters both live 20-30 mins from our mum, with one, she sees the kids most days, she picks my nephew up from school (she teaches there) and while sometimes she just drops him off, others she stays and has dinner there and is there until 7pm. With my other sister, she sees them maybe every 2-3 weeks unless they happen to be at my other sister's place when she is there. Its not that she cares less for one, but the dynamics between them is different and she is just more independent so my mum feels its crossing the line.
    Plus, when she goes to my sisters house most nights, my sister is making dinner so its more for her than for my sister, because she would be eating alone at home. At my other sister's house, she is often there to babysit etc
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    Smart Canuck ninna's Avatar
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    Well (LOL) I'm a weirdo and quite clearly in the minority here. My in-laws live 20 minutes away. They see us at least 1X week, sometimes more. Often we drive there, but sometimes they come here. They take my kids for regular overnight visits...and lately, that has been on a weekly basis. It's reached a point where I want to limit the overnight visits because I really miss my kids if they're gone every freakin Saturday night.

    At the same time, they've got one heck of a relationship with their grandparents and I know grandma and grandpa won't be alive forever so I shut my trap. I should mention, however, that DH's parents still have children in their house because they foster, so my kids love going there as much to see Grandma as to play with the other kids in the house. His parents are in their early 70's.

    In 6 months they will be moving to a home that's less than 5 minutes away from us...which is a little too close for comfort and I dread to wonder how on earth we are going to maintain our privacy then. Guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it though. DH has always been extremely close to his parents. And I kinda lucked out as far as in-laws go because they are really awesome. There's trade off though--like they always know your business. Always. And sometimes they try to "co-parent" my kids...and I think, "take a hike! You already had your chance. Now it's my turn!"

    Ultimately though, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I hardly knew my own grandparents at all and by the time I was born, they were old and in very poor health, so I'm glad my kids have an awesome relationship with their grandparents. But kudos to my in-laws too because they have worked hard to build that relationship with my kids.

    That being said...OP... I think the onus is on the grandparents to build that relationship with your kids themselves and not to just sit there on their tushies and expect that you will drop everything in your life so you can drive over to their house with the kiddos. Relationships are give and take. I think they need to ante up and share some of the visiting; otherwise, they run the risk of having children who feel resentful toward them and grandchildren who have little interest in their grandparents. They too need to make the effort!
    Last edited by ninna; Sat, Apr 21st, 2012 at 05:44 PM.
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    Junior Canuck
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    My in laws (fiance's dad and step mom) live about 3-4 minutes away and they only come to visit about once a week (for an hour at the most). We basically have to take the kids to them (we have no car.. they do), which we do about twice a week. They also have a 7 year old that they use as an excuse for alot of things (not taking our 4 yr old DD and 1 1/2 yr old DS for sleepovers). We always have their son at least once a week for a sleepover. Now my fiance's mom lives about 40 minutes away with no car either so we don't see her much, maybe once/twice a year. My own mom lives a few hours away and has only seen our daughter twice, and our son once. I don't speak to my dad.

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    Junior Canuck
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    Thanks for everybody's input, I'm jealous of lots of your great relationships. And I know im not crazy now. (My dad has to walk 3 mil a day for his heart does around 10am, I suggested he come get our 2 year old and take him out in the stroller on his walk stop at a park or something too, said no u should bring him to me, wife is home alone with 2 kids and no car they have 2 cars...) Going to hope they come around and start making an effort, until then I don't think they deserve to spend time with my awesome kids.

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    Sith Lady and Cool Kid Darth Penguin's Avatar
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    Until recently, we spent 3 weeks /year with Dh's parents and a further few weeks with my mother.

    Since MIL died, DFIL spends at least 1 hour on Skype a week with our children. We don't think he will fly over again.

    DM insists she will come over every year until she can't but she rarely phones to talk to the kids.And never uses Skype even though it's set up. In fact she will only contaact me between 6pm and 7 pm UK time , 1pm and 2 pm EST/DST....le sigh! If I phone her outside those times, she refuses to answer the phone.


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