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Thread: I really need support guys, perhaps some advice

  1. #1
    Smart Canuck idonovan's Avatar
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    So last week my mother ended up in the hospital. She fell after a bath back into the bath and could not get up. She was alone for 12h before her assitant from work called us wondering where she was when there was no awnser at her house. My husband went to check on her and found her. We live in a duplex mom on one side us in the basment of the other side. She was calling for help I did not here her. The hubby was at work. She thefore was alone unable to get up from the tub all night till in the latter morning. She had surgury on her kneww as she shattered it and the bones shifted. Now she will be in the hospital 6 weeks as well shes 300 pounds and very very weak and out of shape from lack of movment that she is finding doing anything on her own including physio very challenging. She needs help with everything. To top it off the wound is now infected. She also cant get somone to singh disability papaers at the hospital so she can still be paid. People tell me not to blame myself for not finding her sooner but i cant help it I still feel very guilty. My grandma also lives above me as im in the basment of the other side. She is hard to deal with for instance shes mad at me for something silly i did. I put 3 things of her laundry that she had soaking in a rince cycle to rince the bleach and ring them out as i have truble ringing clothing out... so anyway she soo mad about that and saying very mean things to me about how she was so stressed she could not sleep and how im causing her to have dizzy spells and how she cant forvige me for being so lazy and sooo forth and wont understand that i did not do it to be mean or lazy or anything..... so thats my life I need support for my mom as im soo worried for her right now... at the same time being there may be a good thing she may loose wight and stop her alcoholisim... but still
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    Smart Canuck K8's Fate's Avatar
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    You need a big SC hug!
    Things will get better and don't blame yourself for things that you couldn't control.
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    Canadian Guru avoncallingu's Avatar
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    Oh my! Are there any Caregiver Support Groups in your area - looks like you're giving care to both your grandma and your mom. You can't control your mom's drinking or eating and you certainly can't blame yourself for not hearing her. She'll need some self-help things like bars in the bathroom and also remembering to keep a phone near her if she's in a place which presents a problem for her - but the hospital will do an assessment to see if her home is safe for her before they send her home, I hope. You're not in my province but that's what they do here.

    At some point, maybe those around the neck "help buttons" might be a good idea for your mum.

    Meanwhile - take care of yourSELF - don't let other people's unreasonablness get to you. Just keep smiling at dear old grandma! (and maybe sing a song in your head when she starts getting angry with you.)
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    Mastermind Lynn49's Avatar
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    Wow. Your bowl is certainly full right now, isn't it? Poor kid....so sorry things have gotten you down lately...and you're in school, too? Are you just finishing your course and stressed out with that right now, too? Year-end stuff?

    Hon.....some things just ARE. Things actually happen that aren't in our control, would you believe that? Imagine feeling responsible for what goes on in your immediate world. Quite the responsibility you're putting on yourself, Hon. What happened to your Mom is certainly unfortunate, but it is, what it is, and nothing can change that; no amount of guilt on your part will make things any better or different. So that's the first thing. Forgive yourself if you feel you still have to, and let it go. Poof. Gone. Deal with the present...it's all we've got to deal with anyway...the hour or day before us.

    Now, regarding your Grandmother...how old would she be? Any signs of alzeimer's disease? I'm just mentioning it as something you can keep an eye on....having unrealistic expectations of others, feeling others are betraying them, blaming, they're all typical of early signs of the disease. Hostility...another one... Or maybe she's been that way all her life. Which makes me wonder why you would expect anything different from her now. I mean....she's not going to change her stripes, so you know what to expect....prepare for it but let it roll like water off a duck's feathers.

    You seem like a very sensitive person...taking on other people's problems, feeling responsible for them...Hon...you can only be responsible for your own actions, no one else's. And you don't have super-hearing or any other super powers, sorry to say...
    You're doing the best job you can do, and if anyone in your life doesn't appreciate it, then you have two choices: stop doing those things for them since they're all grown up and can run or ruin their own lives, or you can tolerate and just let their remarks slip off your back and off your mind.

    Hon...we're only human, after-all...forgive, and forget.
    Last edited by Lynn49; Sun, May 6th, 2012 at 11:56 PM.



  5. #5
    Smart Canuck idonovan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lynn49 View Post
    Now, regarding your Grandmother...how old would she be? Any signs of alzeimer's disease? I'm just mentioning it as something you can keep an eye on....having unrealistic expectations of others, feeling others are betraying them, blaming, they're all typical of early signs of the disease. Hostility...another one... Or maybe she's been that way all her life. Which makes me wonder why you would expect anything different from her now. I mean....she's not going to change her stripes, so you know what to expect....prepare for it but let it roll like water off a duck's feathers.
    Grandma is 78 shes always been this way. Just bad timing with everything happening. she dont have alzeimer's grandpa actualy does and shes been taking care of him for almost 20 years so i can understand her stress. But still just bad time.

    thanks all for the support i need it to top it all off i broke one of my teeth and have to see the dentist tomorrow.
    Last edited by idonovan; Mon, May 7th, 2012 at 01:01 AM.

  6. #6
    The ONLY Diva of SC! saveadollardiva's Avatar
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    Huges to you! First off, I am sorry to hear about your mom. Don't feel bad, you didn't know and if you did of course I know you would have been there to help her. I say just take one day at a time. Like I always say "No matter what happens, just remember God's got everything under control."


  7. #7
    CaToonie
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    You sound like a very caring individual and I'm concerned about you- your well-being. I can't imagine being in your shoes but I want you to know that even if you can't control certain things, you can make choices.
    We don't choose our family members and we don't control other people's behaviors, only our own. However, we make choices about what we do for others and that includes family, how often we interract with others... Sometimes we have to make difficult choices we don't want to make too. You did the best you could in your situation. You didn't know your mom needed help, let it go. You didn't make a mistake, you didn't fail her, you can't act on what you don't know. It was just an accident. It may be time to evaluate some things:

    1. What do you need for yourself- emotionally, physically, whatever it may be so that you can be best capable of handling your life and stressors right now? When you do this, include your own priorities as well (eating, sleeping, job or whatever is going on in your life right now), not just that of others.

    2. If you need support, what resources are available to you? Family can usually talk to a hospital social worker for help in getting resources if you don't know where to go or need some help managing the situation. It could be Al-Anon, caregiver support...

    3. You may at some point have to sit down and evaluate boundaries. This can include difficult choices, assertiveness... Just because family lives near you, doesn't mean you're their housekeeper, personal support worker... You decide and you let people know what you will and won't do. You also set boundaries for how people treat you and let people know what you won't tolerate. If grandma is having caregiver stress, perhaps she is needing some assistance in getting support for herself too- technically, that's not your responsibility but if she's caregiving grandpa, and you're caregiving her... sounds like a lot to handle.

    4. Resources for you, grandpa, whatever- it's really important to lean on resources out there- day programs to provide caregiver relief, services that can come in and watch grandpa so grandma can get a break (so she can enjoy a social outing, go out shopping...), meals on wheels or other places that provide fresh or frozen meals delivered to the home to alleviate some of the stress (in ontario there is subsidy available), paying someone privately to help with care or even just housekeeping, an emergency help button (someone i knew had her mom living with her and she rolled over and broke bones from osteoporosis and couldn't yell for help so they got a helpline service she could push and the family would be notified she needed help- even in their own house)...

    Most important, you are not expected to sacrifice yourself to help others, it's supposed to be being able to care for yourself while caring for others (if you decide you will care for others). As much as older parents want us to help or we want to help them, sometimes help from other resources is very important to being able to maintain healthy relationships with those we care about. A stressed out or burnt out caregiver can cause tension in relationships- caregiver to others, person being cared for to caregivers...

    Wishing your mom a good recovery. In terms of disability, there are various options: EI disability, provincial disability program, CPP disability... Perhaps the hospital social worker can help with resources for that. Generally CPP disability is the hardest to get but it's possible that for right now it's too early to tell. If I'm not mistaken or it hasn't changed, EI disability can be for a temporary disability- in the case of your mom, it may be hard to tell if it's temporary or permanent. Here in Ontario, you can be on EI disability and the provincial disability program at the same time (provincial provides for what EI doesn't- drug plan, dental plan, sometimes a little extra to live on). I would talk to a hospital social worker about the doctors refusing to sign the disability papers. I could see them refusing to sign the provincial or CPP ones because it has to be a permanent disability and right now that's too hard to tell but perhaps she could qualify for the EI ones at least for now. Technically she has to take a medical leave from work so I would hope she would qualify for that- i think she would get on EI for that. I guess what I'm trying to say is they won't sign those papers but it depends what you're trying to get them to sign. They may be willing to sign other papers. Maybe they'll sign something else for a temporary leave or something like EI disability if she qualifies. Also consider what need not be signed by a doctor- sometimes physiotherapists, social workers... can sign certain forms. A social worker can certainly talk to you and your mom about those sorts of resources or tell you who you can talk to about it. Sometimes they can also provide advocacy. If there's no written consent that you can talk to your mom's doctors... just know that they can't talk to you but you can talk to them- though social workers are a little more helpful when it comes to certain sensitive matters like addiction... Being in the hospital will help but there's also the issue of what will happen when she returns home. Sometimes people with addiction issues also have to be carefully monitored on pain meds because the combination with alcohol can be very dangerous or there can be a pre-disposition to medication addiction. They just might make different decisions on meds or treatment/ discharge planning.
    Lynn49 and DianneS like this.

  8. #8
    Canadian Guru hollyquaiscer's Avatar
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    I just read your post. I see you live in Calgary, so I have a few pieces of advice that hopefully will help you. First off, you say that the staff at the hospital won't sign paperwork so she can continue to get paid while she is in the hospital, so I am assuming your mom holds down a job. If so, you need to contact her famiy physician and advise of the situation with the paperwork and get it signed by him/her. The hospital staff cannot do this. This will take some time for the paperwork to get processed as well. If not having money coming in is going to cause her a financial hardship, I suggest you AISH. Actually, you should contact them anyways and get a worker to come see her (may I suggest you be there at the same time if possible). They can process a file to ensure she will have money in the meantime. Also, they can approve a company such as HOME INSTEAD, to come and help her when she is released from the hospital and back at home. This will help you out and relieve your stress. They are workers that come to her house, they will do everything from bathe her, to grocery shopping for her, light housework and just act as a companion. Depending on her status, they could come from every day, to just a few times a week. They can also take her to physio, Dr appts. and so on. Do oyour best to contact AISH too get this process started.

    It can be a very stressful time for you especially when your grandma in also on you. I realize that it is hard, but you are going to have to put her on the back burner for now and focus on your mom. Please do not feel bad about not finding her earlier or not hearing her. It is NOT your fault. Perhaps you could have AISH look into getting her a medical device for emergencies, the type you wear and just push a button. It seems that your mom is not in good health, and this may be a good idea. While she is in the hospital, you could request to speak with a social worker (from the hospital). They are fabulous and will help you with all your questions and give you the numbers you need. Use this time to reach out for all the help she needs. Look at it as a way to help get her life back on track. The social workers will have resources for help with her alcoholism, her weight and may other things.

    This is going to be a very trying time for you, try and get a good sleep at night and keeps yourself in good health. If you every need anyone to talk to, or just vent, please pm me, I will try and help you. One of my daughters works for HomeInstead and that is how I know about these resources. They are available and out there, use them. I too am from Calgary and have had a lot of involvment with the services I am recomending to you through the fostercare program. I was an advanced home and have helped many young adults get set up with these services. I will help you with whatever I can.

    I ma saying prayers for you and your family, and remember we are hear to help you. Wishing you the best of luck and sending you a big {{{HUG}}} today.
    Lynn49 likes this.
    We all need a little sunshine every now and then

  9. #9
    Smart Canuck idonovan's Avatar
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    Update! mom is now in transitional housing not far from the hospital her spirits are up shes spening more time in a wheelchair instead of in bed so yeyey! she has even lost 20 pounds so again yeyey! the only bad news is we dont know if she needs another surgury yet lets all hope and pray she dont as that menas more time there and not home! also paper work taken care of. In transitional housing she now has a laptop so she can log onto her favoret roll play game EQ2 chat with her freinds and even do some of her work!.

  10. #10
    The ONLY Diva of SC! saveadollardiva's Avatar
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    That is great news! glad things are getting better


  11. #11
    Smart Canuck glowworm2k's Avatar
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    I'm so glad to hear things are going better *big hugs*

    My grandmother had some of the same problems you've mentioned - mobility issues, alcoholism, weight issues - and actually did exceptionally well in transitional rehabilitation housing. The staff weren't feeling burned out and overtaxed so were able to give her more care than family could at that time. They offered a lot of supervision, so were able to enforce the physio regime, getting moving, proper diet, etc.. There was also counselling, etc. available that made her realize that her issues were interconnected and that it was important to work on all of them. Hopefully your Mom starts to work on some of her issues. As for the alcoholism - I wouldn't hold my breath, but maybe she'll slow down on the booze for a while when she's more heavily supervised in the trans housing - this happened with my grandma, so there is hope!

  12. #12
    Smart Canuck toban's Avatar
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    I just read your post and sorry to hear what happened. I'm glad your mom is getting help and please remember to take care of yourself. You sound like a caring individual.

  13. #13
    CaToonie
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    So glad things are better and I hope she takes some time to re-evaluate her priorities, needs, and wellness strategies. Everyone has the ability to work through things and adapt a healthier lifestyle. It's a combination of a lot of factors- physiologically getting used to not having certain things in ones's body, professional and lay support (family can't always be that), and of course, the individual (learning new coping strategies, changing behaviors, setting and focusing on goals...). It's unfortunate she had to have an accident to kickstart the process but hopefully the change in environment will help get her well grounded in Step #1. Transitionning back to home will present new challenges but one step at a time. She can do it but not all issues are quickly fixed even if we're suddenly forced to deal with something. People choose to change.

    She is a work in progress like most of us are in our own individual ways.

  14. #14
    guitar nut darwinsmistake's Avatar
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    i kinda went through the same thing a couple of months ago my was going through rreatment for breast cancer and only weighs 76lbs and was finding it hard to breath a few times i had to call 911 cause i tho9ght she stopped breathing one night i woke to hear labored loud breathing and my mom was wedged in between the bathroom door
    i called 911 and they told 30mins like this would have killed her i feel guilt because i had been drinking and was asleep on the couch where i slept to keep an eye on her im so glad i did wake up but maybe i could have seen her walking to the bathroom and she wouldnt so i understand how u feel unfortunatly they wont keep her at the hospital unless something"really bad happens"thanks b.c. health care it already has so be happy shes safe and always look for that silver lining
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    Glad things are better. Try not to feel guilty as really it is not your fault. I would suggest talking to someone professional about what is going on right now for you. It may help you work through it!

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