My brother is a jerk

[kerrylj]

I have to get this out. I am so angry I can hardly find words for my rage.

My brother is 5 years younger than I am and is now married a few years with a 3 year old and another one on the way.

I am a single mom and have been for 8 yrs and my kids are in their late teens. It has been a rough road but I have given my best and my kids are good but have their issues.

My brother and his wife have never asked me to watch their son and it took a long while for them to even let my mom watch him. She has never been allowed to take him to her house to watch him although on holidays they do visit. The other day my nephew was not well with a fever and my mom wanted to go to her work Christmas party so she called me last minute to watch him so she could go.

I got there and needed to ask my brother something so call his cell. He went off on me about how he didn't want me watching his kid and how he was coming home from work to watch his son then hung up on me. A few minutes after his wife called me and answered my question and I stayed about 6 hrs until my mom came back.

I am really upset. I dropped everything to watch his son. I had a bunch of things going on and it put me out to spend most of the day at his house caring for my nephew. I was happy to do but the attitude was way off IMHO.

So last night we had christmas eve at their house. He said he was angry at me and I said I was very angry with the way he treats me. The bottom line is that in his oninion I am terrible parent and he doesn't think I am worthy of watching his kid ever. I have raised my voice with my kids and at times get upset and lose it with them and he doesn't want me around his kid.

I get that he has no real clue the road I have been down and the really difficult yrs with an abusive ex, divorce, kids with some real issues (medical issues as well as some learning disabilities) that I had to naviage basically alone. I am a very good parent and feel very insulted by his attitude and behaviour.

Oh and I changed my phone service to cut down my expenses and the new number is somehow long distance on his phone plan even though we live 5 minutes away. So then he says that he wants me to call him once a week to talk to him because he doesn't hear from me enough.

I know in the past, the rare times I have asked him for help with something, I pretty much get told he doesn't want to be bothered to help me out. I know he rarely asks me for help but when he does I am there to help.

I guess I had hoped in time things would improve but clearly, over time, what little relationship I have with my brother drifts into nothing.

[JerryBrian]

They are calling them "helicopter parents" now, because of how they hover over the children overprotectively and don't let them skin their knees on the playground. I bet he is going to flip out when the kid quits school and plays bass guitar for a blues band.

[jasperandchar]

sorry to hear about the way your brother is treating you especially this time of year, my thoughts are that hopefully sometime soon he will come to realize and appreciate you and your achievements in being a single parent and your struggles.

Both my kids have learning dissabilities as well, however, you or your children are most likely qualify for a child tax credit as well as a child dissability benefit. Do a search through revenue canada and have your doctor fill them out, they tend to go back as far back as when the dissability was diagnosed in my eldest son`s case he has ADHD and they went back to birth,
best of luck and hope things improve on the family front

[sarah_cio]

I think you need to respect your brother's wishes. He has the choice to raise his child(ren) they way he see's fit. Also, at least he was open and honest with you about it. Perhaps if it is a real issue you could ask if there is anything you could do to work on yourself which would make him comfortable with you watching his child(ren).

[RebeccaRYoung]

I can understand both points of view. It is awful that he was so upset about you taking care of his son. On the other hand, I wonder if he was consulted before the change in babysitters occurred. I would be upset if the person I entrusted with my child(ren) gave that responsibility to someone else without asking first. It wouldn't matter who the person was. That doesn't excuse the attitude. He should have been more upset with your mother for doing this without asking first. She shouldn't have agreed to look after him if she had other plans.

While he is your nephew, everyone has different ideas about good parenting. These parents have the ability to decide that they don't want a particular person watching their child. It is insulting, but it is their choice.

[Minou]

I certainly have relatives I wouldn't want watching my kids for any length of time, and I'd be pretty upset to find out that the relative I had left my child with had skipped out and found a substitute. I think I'd be having a conversation with the original babysitter, though.

I know the off-base criticism is galling. Just count your blessings that you won't constantly be called upon to provide free babysitting! And hey, if your kids are nearly grown up, you'll have some wonderful time to yourself coming up in a few years!

[paula0000]

((hugs)) kerri- you are probably right, he has no idea what you have been through to raise your kids on your own the way you have. And hopefully he will not have to struggle through the issues you have with his own son. It was over the top thoughtful and nice of you to watch his son- and honestly I guess if he was really worried about you watching his son, he would have come home asap not left you there for 6 hours with him. (Thats the part I dont get)..yes he is "honest" about his feelings but he really didnt do anything about it...so was he being honest or just crazy-overprotective and frankly, hurtful. Anyway, sooo nice of you to drop everything for you to watch your nephew when he was sick.

[Ciel]

OP, thanks for sharing your rant here. Time to get yourself out of the family drama of Bro vs. Mom. As for Bro's rant about you--drama queen manner in how he communicated to you. You know about his hangup and his tactlessness (how he disclosed his perception of your parenting ability)-time to acquire some "talk to the hand" defense when he acts self absorbed again (he's not winning with the demand you call him weekly-what, he's too *busy* to call you?)

Mom>needed to tell her younger child (Bro) about the ill child/conflict with work plans. Then it'd be up to the child's parents to figure out who was going to come home to sit with child. Seems there is a conflict between Mom and son and yet BRO seemed not to have told Mom to call HIM if there was a care issue regarding his son.

Bro angry at you-he had no right to level his anger at you about HIS issues with you when you informed him about his sick child (about the fact you had his child-chalk it up to his not knowing that Mom took off after putting the boy in your care without asking him first).
How odd that your sister-in-law got to call you back (seems Bro spouts anger but did not indicate whether he or wife would come for son) yet YOU had to spend 6h with your ill nephew? Bro hadn't mentioned Mom's role in leaving his child? THEY have some issue cleanup to attend to.

You have to draw boundaries with both Bro and Mom. If they cannot respect your boundaries or help you out, you are not Noah racing your Ark around to rescue them everytime they have a meltdown/inability to communicate with others. Sink or swim are their options, as you have minors dependant upon your ability to advocate for their needs.

If you can manage to be civil to the sister-in-law in relation to the nephew, keep that relationship civil. Anything to do with your brother, direct it his way. And flip that "talk to the hand" attitude as needed when Bro pulls his drama out again. If he thinks your family circumstances are all your fault, tell him that it's amazing that you both came from the same family as you don't recognize where his ignorance came from, just that it exists and it is his problem, not yours. Tell him he is a jerk and that if he expects that his WILL is always going to be respected, he has not realized the importance of relationship building as the rot is on his side, not yours.

[vesper]

I would never take these things personally.

p.s. Good for you for being a dedicated single mother, I marvel at folks like you! Yahoo!!

[lessthannat]

There are people that I would not want watching any children I may have, and that's just because we have different outlooks on life and things in general. I would be pretty upset if I called a relative to watch my kid and a different relative was there instead especially if they were someone I do not want around my children unsupervised. It was nice of you to watch your brothers kid, but I think there are deeper issues between you two that you need to resolve. It is actually a little confusing as to why he would leave you there for 6 hrs before he came home...

[walkonby]

OP a few posters here hit the issue dead on, your Mom dropped the ball by not informing your brother that she had other plans. Certainly she must be aware of how he feels about you watching his child, she had to be aware a conflict would ensue.

In the meantime, let him raise his child his way, ( forget about checking in with him once a week, pfft! who is he your parole officer? ) and then when the teenage years come for your nephew ( and they WILL) you can be sipping a latte and relaxing with your beautiful and adorable grandchildren and having the last laugh.
Oops, sorry was that bitter? lol!!!!
Take care, thanks for posting your rant, we have all had d*ck head relatives too.

[ticul]

I am not here to juge any one. I will say like Lessthannat. You and your brother need to sit down together alone to talk about your issues to find a way to understand each other and solve your differences. Life is to short so, we have to make things work. It mite not be the best relationship but, it will be less stressfull and as time go by it will get better but you need to respect each other's oppinions. Hoppe things will get better in the New year so Happy new year to you and your family.....

[weasy71]

Sorry for your grief. I learned along time ago, you can't change how people act..The only thing you can change is how you react. Your brother has made an arse of himself for the way he behaved. but now you know, that he is this way and not likely to change so your choice is to change how you react to him. If you know that he will slight you and you will feel hurt and angry, then you need to put some distance there. better no relationship than a toxic one...one day maybe he will see the light and realize how judgemental and hurtful he was....