Help me stay at home for a year with the kids...what would you do?

[Natalka]

I was the higher income earner (by quite a lot) before I stayed at home. Actually, I didn't intend to, I just went off work when my teaching contract ended, went on mat leave, and just thought I'd go back to work.
But, once baby was there - no way could I even think of going back to work full time. I did do some tutoring in the evening for college students, when my husband was able to be with our son. When he was three to four, I did some substitute teaching - we were in a very small city, so it was doable.
Not so once we moved to the big city - times could not mesh between his school day and mine, so I didn't sub here. I did some subbing during one summer for adult inmates (they let me come late and leave early).

It frankly wasn't hard at all to make the transition - and I still paid off my student loan and my new car (bought when I was still single).
Husband worked his arse off to make sure we were taken care of - and, yes, there were times he had to work away from the city for a week or two weeks at a time, and that was really tough with a new baby and we had just moved to a new city with no family or friends... but we made do. He's in the trades, so there were also times he was not employed - those were a bit rougher...

As for being bored... no way! When he was a baby, we were always 'out' - always something to do! Then once he hit school age, our son was in a bilingual program and it needed lots of volunteers, so I did lots while he was in primary and elementary grades.

You know, generally staying at home it was SO much better for our family and, frankly, for our marriage.

But it's not for everyone, I know that. My next oldest sister couldn't even wait six weeks before she went back to work full-time after one of her babies - she has lots of her ego tied up with her work (but there's a longer story to that, too), and they are a very keeping-up-with-the-Joneses type of couple.

[Natalka]

I know! I am really old fashioned,maybe because i was practically raised by my nana,lol but i would much rather raise my children and family,have a gentleman then be disrespected and have the option to work.

I am sure we would miss a lot of things that i am not even thinking about that would go with the rights movement when you look at it all truthfully though!

I think the best part of equal rights - and the true meaning of the word 'feminist' - is having the choice, and hopefully have that respected.

[dawnapacini]

[QUOTE=anisa;5103784]i was the chick who spent $150 on her hair every 8 weeks...
now it is home dye jobs, on sale with a coupon!

HAHAHAAH!!! Me too. This thread has really fired me up. I'm a feminist, a women's rights advocate and the last thing even close tyo holly homemaker, but now pregnant with our 3rd child i have also decided to stay at home, which is what brought me back to couponing. The highschool teacher who thought you were silly either doesn't have kids or just thinks differently than you. To me, family is a priority. Hey, another 40 grand a year makes our lives more financially rich, but let me tell you being home is the best damn thing for my kids. Both of my parents worked growing up and I see no issue either way, but I understand first hand the value of being there when your kids get home and having the house and your lives clean and organized. With only my husbands income we are now also at the poverty line, but we don't feel poor. We go out and walk, we splurged on a family gym membership which we actually have time to go to, we eat a lot of chicken and salad and whatever happens to be in season, but I shop smart and that is the equivalent of having a part time job. We also save 800 bucks a month in daycare. being a stay at home mom is a full time job and as much as I loved being a career woman I love knowing that my kids know Im here for them and if theyre sick I can stay home and get them better instead of stressing about missing a god damn day of work. To each their own, but I really wish more families could find a balance like we have. I truly believe parents not having as much time to spend with their kids is a huge problemk with out society. I used to go out and advocate for young women, now I teach the two young women in my home how to grow up and be strong and soft and awesome. I love it! you go girl and stay at home. If you ever wanna trade coupons to save, im in!

[anisa]

I think the best part of equal rights - and the true meaning of the word 'feminist' - is having the choice, and hopefully have that respected.

exactly!

i really dislike that so many women think that the only way to be a feminist is to work outside the home.

so many women look down on home makers. if a woman chooses to be at home, she must be a real loser, right? ugh

why have kids if you are just going to leave them with someone else for 10 hours a day?

[kris32]

anisa couldn`t of said it better! Parents these days just seem to want to get rid of them! I mean don`t get me wrong i am sure a lot of us have our moments where they are stressing us out but why do these people bother having children(sorry question mark isn`t working on keyboard right now).

They seem to work to feed them unhealthy foods like mcdonalds and get carts full of brand name toys and clothes that will just overspoil them.They seem to think it is only natural to live this kind of lifestyle ( i shudder to think what our childrens children will end up like really).

I don`t own a credit card and buy what i can afford and stick to a budget,if i have too much in my cart over budget i will decide what i need and want the most and put the rest back. Not to say i am totally innocent because if we can we will but I am pretty strict about saving a certain chunk of money a month before buying stuff that isn`t necessary and have done so since we started receiving a steady income.

[ashokia]

The year I stayed home with my son was a real eye opener for me. It was so much less stressful being home, being able to get the house clean and the meals cooked and the laundry done while spending time with my son. Now I am in such a rush all the time that my house is always a wreck, we eat chicken fingers and fries at least twice a week and I am so exhausted by the time the baby goes to bed, I don't even want to think about romance!

My husband thinks it is worth it for me to work, and so I am working, but it is disheartening when more than half your paycheck disappears to the lady who is raising your son instead of you. She's the one hearing his first words, and shaping his development while I am at work.

If you want to stay home with your kids and it isn't going to cause tension between you and your husband then I say go for it! You'll be a lot happier for it and that will make for a happier family!

[lucy16076]

Thank you everyone for your input....my children have been well behaved, so no issues there that are prompting me to stay home. They are quite content with life as it is, but here's the kicker that maybe I should have mentioned...I am a divorced mom on her own raising these 2 teens half time. I work 12 hour shift work, so on my work days I don't see the kids at all, and on the nights I work, I'm barely able to keep my eyes open because when they return home from school (and we know how early that is now!), I feel guilty sleeping so I get up after only sleeping 5 hours (and return to work again that night for 12 hours)...this leaves me there but not there, capiche?
I'm looking to be there for anything they might need, to talk, to bring us closer as a family despite us being "broken". I have a good relationship with their father, but he also works 10 hour shift work. SO, I guess my reasoning at staying home is to provide our children with a constant at home so that life out there doesn't seem to hectic.
I was able to be a SAHM when my children were little, but as I went out on my own (and even slightly before that) I returned to work. Many MANY people have commented us on how well behaved & polite our children are. We made sure they knew how to respect others & their belongings, attended church weekly (which you can't do on shift workers clock), did family fun days, & just talked over dinner that was home-made & never rushed.
Yes, things have changed. I guess my thought process is taking me in the direction that this short time frame where they do need my presence is coming to a close & this next year just seems to be the perfect time to devote my attention to giving them my undivided attention..........not what's left after my 12 hour shift dealing with criminals!
I will definitely look into frugal living websites, get my garden planned out for the spring (lots of land to build that into), & learn how to can & stockpile better for the possibility of having my year off.

[anisa]

the best of luck to you

i didn't realize you are doing it alone, and that puts a whole new twist on things.

you should be so proud of your kids don't let anyone make you think that because you have good kids that they still don't need mom hanging around.

i hope you find a solution that works for you.

[DianneS]

I believe "women's rights" will have really arrived when women are able to make choices for themselves without being judged by men or by other women. I have been a SAH mom, a mom who worked full-time and a mom who worked part time over the course of my children's lives. Every scenario had positives and negatives. There is no perfect scenario - but there is a best scenario for you personally. I will say that there has never been a stage of life when my children did not need me. Their needs change when they are in high school..but they don't disappear. I think that it is a wonderful opportunity to be able to be present, to listen and to be able to encourage your children along the journey to independence. It may not be what another mom might choose but if it really is your hearts desire...go for it

[Springbreeze]

why have kids if you are just going to leave them with someone else for 10 hours a day?

I couldn't agree with you more. I wish so much that I could be a SAHM. I only work part time but its still more time away from my daughter. Doesn't help that I hate my job either, so that just mkes it that much harder.

[Minou]

Given the additional information, I can see how your work schedule is not compatible with family life. Since you're on your own, I'd think that a part-time job would be necessary just to get by for that year... and that you might want to consider taking a different full-time job that gives you more regular hours. Could you apply for a different job in the public service? An 8:30-4:00 job would make life at home much more manageable.

I kind of cringe when mothers say that they're staying home "for their kids". My mother stayed home after I was born. She didn't ever get a driver's license. With my Type A personality, I was questioning her decision to stay home by the time I was in grade two or three. I wanted her to have a job, even if part time. I don't think it was healthy for her to stay at home. By the time I was in high school, it seemed like she wanted to live vicariously through me... she'd want to talk for hours about the same things and tell me stories about how athletic and fashionable and popular she had been. I was a bookworm and a straight-A student, and all I wanted was to escape to my room to study. There would never have been any worry about me going off the rails as a teenager. If I didn't stay and talk long enough, she'd be unhappy with me. For all those years, when I asked her why she didn't want to go to work, she'd reply, "Because you need me at home." She had no life beyond the house.

The thing is, she never wanted the same life for me. She always said that "These days, with the way marriages turn out, both people need to work." Had I suddenly decided to become a homemaker, she would have been furious with me.

As for parents paying for university, I don't think it's a bad thing. My parents paid for three years of my degree (one year was paid for with scholarship money), and I finished on time. I finished another two years of university on my own when I was working full time. For all the kids who squander their parents' money by not taking their studies seriously, I'm sure there are many more who are saddled with student loan debt for many years after university, and that some of those with debt didn't even finish their degree. If you can help your child to graduate debt free and have a good start in life, why not do it?

I have two sons. One is 3 1/2, the other turns 1 next week. When I was home on maternity leave, I couldn't wait to get back to work. I went back for the start of the school year. I love my sons, but I want my own life as well. As a teacher, I have the best of both worlds -- I have summer, Christmas, and spring break at home, and I finish work at 3:00. I do my preparation and marking when the kids go to bed.

I kind of resent the implication that working mothers are uncaring spendthrifts who stuff their kids full of junk food, and that making the sacrifices inherent in staying home with children confers some kind of moral superiority. Don't forget that I clip coupons, too. I can't imagine men suggesting to other men that it's better for them to stay home and take care of kids, or men or feeling "guilt" about going to work. I think there is a whole lot of value in not having financial worries.

Someone on here suggested that their motto was "Live simply so that others can simply live". Does that mean that you're living frugally so that you can give money to others in need?

It does bother me that women sometimes don't have choices about going to work. I knew a woman who had four kids (a couple were surprises) and just couldn't qualify for daycare subsidies. She would have paid more for daycare than she would earn working, so she had no choice but to stay home. To me, that's sad, especially since she had to leave a job she enjoyed.

I know another woman who earned a Master's degree and worked for a couple years before having her son and then deciding to stay home. At the end of her maternity leave, she figured she couldn't handle everything at home if she was working. She hasn't been the same since. She used to be bubbly and happy, and now, any time I see her, she looks depressed. She's lost her confidence and sparkle. After her limited work experience, I'm not sure that she will ever be able to go back to the scientific field she had originally trained in.

[kerrylj]

It is all work it is only a matter of how much you are paid for it.

I don't think one way is better or worse.

I am a single mom and have made many choices for what is best for my kids. I have scrimped and saved so I can work less outside the home so I can be there for them (now with one at home still). It has been difficult and taken alot of hard work but I think it is worth it.

[safielstar]

I'm a teacher as well, and my only child just turned one (I've been back at work for a month now).

I support other women's decisions to stay home, work, whatever works for them and their families. If they can afford to stay home, all the power to them. However, I resent people saying that working moms get other people to raise their kids for them. I was a daycare child growing up (both parents worked), and I darn well know who "raised" me, and it wasn't the daycare ladies or my teachers at school, it was my mom and dad. They also paid for my entire university education (DH's parents paid for his too), and we both graduated on time at the top of our classes, so not all kids who have uni paid for are ungrateful kids who don't study.

If I had things my way, I'd love to only work part time and stay home the rest. I'd have time with my daughter and time to get things done around the house, plus time to work (I love my job). Unfortunately, we can't survive just on DH's income and I need to be bringing in what I make. Even if I were to stay home and save money on daycare, we still wouldn't have enough for the mortgage and bills etc (and we live pretty frugal as it is). So I don't have a choice, and I feel bad for other women in my position that would like to stay home (even partially) but cannot.

For the OP, if you can afford to stay home even though your kids are in high school, do it, I won't deny I loved having my mom home when I was in high school (she had to be off work for a year when I was in grade 9 due to medical issues).

[momof5boys]

Someone on here suggested that their motto was "Live simply so that others can simply live". Does that mean that you're living frugally so that you can give money to others in need?

Yes, that is absolutely what I mean. We live at 'poverty level' according to government standards but feel a lot 'richer' than many folks I know. Living frugally has enabled us to support our 'son' in third world since he was 4 years old and taken off the street as a young boy. We have kept contact with him over the years through our support agency. He is now 27, is a pastor reaching out to the poorest of poor in Kenya, is happily married and has a child (our 'grand daughter'). We feel so incredibly blessed that we are still able to support him as he also uses the funds to reach out to the very poor in his area.

[lucy16076]

I think my thoughts & questions have provoked some touchy issues for some women here...I'm thankful for all perspectives. We all have our own values, experiences & situations that we evaluate differently & apply to life. I would LOVE LOVE to have a daytime job but unfortunately there isn't room to move about my department into a daytime only job as some may know, federal service workers haven't been plentiful & there isn't a job from me to slide into.
I appreciate the teaching profession & had thought about taking that avenue to enjoy the similarity between my schedule & the kids...but, I do believe that to be a good teacher you have to have that "desire." A teacher is a wonderful thing if they are teaching because they enjoy teaching, but some are there strictly for the "time off" & those people aren't necessarily best cut out for the job. I'm not that person with the teaching desire so I quit walking that path. I wish I was to enjoy that schedule!!
Living within my means & stockpiling where I can (just got 15 free cans of HUNTS spaghetti sauce from NF this week thanks to a generous trade I received on SC), will get me closer to being able to at least request & hopefully work part time if not at all next year.
I do believe that if a parent is able to stay at home, the child is better behaved right from the get go provided the parent has the teaching ability to instill good manners & values in the child(ren). And I do agree that the "kids" never stop needing their parents.....it's all growth in progress. It's a personal decision to be a SAHM & I understand that some want it all! I just wanna be a mom My career comes second. There's nothing wrong with either perspective.
Again, thanks everyone! I will be back to read more....