Nieces and Nephews...And Their Parents!

[Darth Penguin]

Man, i wish my neice issue was only about babysitting. She ran away from home last month and now I am in the process of attaining guardianship for my 14yr old, attitude and problem riddled neice. Good luck to me LOL

Good luck..

[RebeccaRYoung]

I think it's interesting that the OP was about being expected to babysit at family functions and has become about being expected to pay when someone breaks something in your home.

I experience something similar when I attend family gatherings. I find that I spend more time babysitting my nephews than visiting with the adults. I don't necessarily want to babysit, but it's become a family expectation. I find that I've become angry about being taken advantage of. Somehow it seems that a simple thank you at the end of the function is supposed to suffice for a whole evening of babysitting. I've started to just hang out with the adults and leave the kids to do what they want. Since it's in someone else's home I don't really care if their kids break something. It sounds awful, but I figure if their kids break something then they can deal with it. If their kids are bored and want to be entertained, then they can deal with it. Why become involved in someone else's problem? This sounds really cold, but in the end it doesn't affect you.

The only way this doesn't work is if it's happening in your own home. I agree that if you invite someone into your home, then it's your responsibility to be a good host. This means providing some sort of entertainment for children, or explaining to the parents that you don't really have toys so could they please bring some. If someone breaks something, then I do agree that they should offer to pay for it. It's just common courtesy. I probably wouldn't invite someone back to my home if they broke something and didn't offer to solve the problem. That's just plain rude!

[SassyAshley]

I think that there is a huge difference between wanting to watch the kids and being forced to watch the kids. My family has very large gaps I am the oldest with a cousin and bro within 4 years of me, than my half sibs are 7 and 9 years younger than me, my other two cousins are 15 and 18 years younger than me. It is one thing to say let me hang out with all the kid and it is another to just to be left with them. I love kids and to be honest for many years I did prefer hanging out with the kids over the adults but that was my choice. Being forced to watch them is another thing.

As for child proofing a house that is a bit difficult but with that being said and I know some will disagree a lot of it comes down to respect. I can remember going to friend's of family houses who did not have children did they have breakables and other items yes but there were usually areas of the house we were aloud to go into and areas we could not go into. Yes maybe a little re decorating was needed to remove certain items but they would make areas where we could play. I have to agree we were all taught a closed door was closed for a reason and not to enter. I think more so our parents watched us if we got into something we were not supposed to we were stopped and made to apologize our parents did not look at what we were doing and laugh and say oh isn't that cute or kids will be kids.

I am sorry but I think a lot of this comes down to common courtesy. To some degree everyone is right children will be children and I do expect children will act like children but when did it become the norm for some children to not have respect, rules and boundaries?

[couponmummy]

I have nothing to add except remembering going to someone's house and the living room was roped off, like a museum, and the couches had fitted clear plastic over them so you could see how pretty they were, floral patterns and beautiful colours. Couldn't wait to go home.

[DianneS]

There is a book called "1-2-3 Magic" that uses counting to three in order to give the child time hear, think and to adjust their behaviour. The pre-school my son went to offered a class/video series on it and parents of 'typical' kids and 'special needs' kids all found it great if they followed the plan. If the behaviour isn't corrected upon the count of three, there is a consequence that is enforced without drama. Of course, if only works if the consequence is enforced each and every time. I used it with my kids and within a couple of days it only took to the count of two for action to take place. I do have to say that when I hear parents say "I'm counting to three" and then nothing happens....other than counting to three again and again, because "this time I really mean it", I do roll my eyes.

However, I will never forget one time when I was in a grocery store line-up. I'd had a hard day and had my two-year-old in tow. He wanted to know about and touch everything in site and I was answering questions, keeping his hands "gently" at bay. An older lady tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I just wanted to tell you that you are a really good mother'. All of the unsolicited parenting advice I had ever received melted away at that moment. I wasn't doing anything special that day but to have someone take a moment to understand and encourage a young Mom was very touching. I think it's easy for those of us who have raised young children to forget how hard it was at times...I need to remember more often to pay it forward.

[amommy]

I don't necessarily agree with this comment. When I invite people to my home I shouldn't have to redecorate before you come over. I don't have children and I do have breakable things around my home. My house is definitely not child-friendly. When friends and family bring their children with them they know this. It isn't the first time they've visited my home. They know to bring toys and games for their child. They should also know that my home shouldn't be dictated by you. I suppose I could choose to no longer invite you to my home, which I have done. I instead choose to trust that you can take care of your children and operate on the 'you break it, you bought it' scenario. I don't necessarily want to lose friends over material goods, but when you enter my home you should act with respect and caring over the items in my home. My concession is that I only serve children 'clear drinks' like Sprite, white grape juice and water. This way if they spill, then they don't make a huge mess.

Hey Kelly just wanted to say I totally agree with and understand where you are coming from .... and as I posted "I wouldn't dictate to you how you should present your house, just know its a possiblity it may get broken." So I guess I'm not sure what you don't agree with about my statement ... that a 2 year old may break something in your home no matter how much they are watched by their own parents? I don't try to disrespect people in general or in their homes or else I'm sure I wouldn't have been invited in the first place ... and I never mentioned anything about never paying for damages done, if by chance something was to happen.

Your place kinda sounds like our grandparents house and we are there weekly for visits. They have glass bowls with small stones laying inside on low tables, glass figures, an assortmant of glass candle holders and yes vases too lol. I have never asked them to hide or put something away its their home and they can do as they like, and you are correct I respect them and their home. However as our DD begain to walk her 1st steps (can't believe just a year ago!) she, just like all little 1 year olds, started to try to grab things from tables. Yes we would tell her those are not for her to touch etc, but she was 1 ... have you ever tried to reason with a 1 year old lol? And they do have what seems to be super human grip haha. Anyways, I guess the grandparents started to realize on their own just how investigative our little one was and started to place their most valuables higher up. I never mentioned a peep to them about moving their stuff however grandma did mention to me she wanted to see me relax, enjoy our time together and not have to worry. Respect and love goes both ways. Now that she is 2 she has a better grasp at no, thats not safe, don't touch, timeouts etc. And as she has gotten older the grandparents are slowly keeping some of their valubles down. We have been very lucky, she has never broken anything that didn't belong to her.

[rehender]

my husbands grandparents have tons of breakables and expensive stuff yet they have been nice enough to go to the dollar store and buy a few truck and cars for my 2 little boys to play with when they come to visit... (they love when they come to visit) but on the other hand my husband's father has everything at hand/eye level and expects a toddler to not touch anything and to top it off half the UNTOUCHABLE stuff is actually toys (drives me nuts) little lego cars and such... is it any wonder I don't want to ever take the long drive to go visit them? we rarely visit themmainly because how they seem to think that little boys should never touch anything ever (it does not matter if I am one step away from the kids... there are 2 of them and one of me)

all this to say it is nice if your house is kid friendly but if it is not don't expect me to visit if my kids can't be semi accommodated .. (at least have something they can touch saying no all day gets on my nerves and theirs too)

and for goodness sake if a 3 year old (who has never seen anyone playing pool) decided to help a pool ball in to the hole don't yell at them like they have done a horrible thing... sigh

also I have the tendency to watch my own kids they are my responsibility the only time I ever let someone else watch them is if they offer (and even then I tend to keep an eye out ... too many times the "responsible party" gets sidetracked and lets my 1.5 yr old out of their sight)

[Minou]

LOL... at Nana's and Grandpa's with our 13-month old. 3 Glass ball Christmas decoration-style tealight holders on the glass coffee table on a plaid runner. Not lit. 13-month old approaches, holds on to edge of table, reaches gingerly forward to touch the tops of the wax tealights. The red one, the green one, and then the gold one, gently with one finger, and then back again in reverse order, very carefully.

"Carter..." warningly. He jumps guiltily, turns to look at me, grins, and shakes his head "no". Then he sits down on his rump, turns around, and crawls away to find a toy to play with.

Even at a year, he has some sense of what he's not supposed to be doing. I've always had a large decorative glass Mikasa bowl of potpourri bowl filler on our living room coffee table, and it's been there since before my now-three-year-old was born. I'm always with them when they're in the living room, but they learn very quickly not to touch. Within reason, I think having a few not-so-dangerous breakables in reach can be an important part of teaching kids to respect things. Kids who live in a completely child-proof environment without anything good around have no clue about breakable things when they're at someone else's house.

[savess]

I should keep my mouth shut.
But…. I thought the initial point was about nieces and nephews….
I have a small family, almost all out of town. When they visit (maybe 3 times a year?), I guess I do expect that they will look after my small kids for a bit (while I'm home). I would think they would WANT to spend time with them, play with them, get to know them, and yes, keep them safe while doing it. Maybe I shouldn't expect this…. Kind of surprised by the near anger I'm hearing in this thread.
I'm not talking about going to friend's places and expecting them to watch my kids, I'll do that and make sure they behave. But an Aunt, Uncle or Grandparent, I thought it was a reasonable expectation. My kids talk and plan for weeks or longer waiting for a visit.
I don't think you can know what 'full time' means until you have kids. It's 24-7 every single day. Having a trusted family member watch them and love them and teach them really helps both the (tired) parent and the kids.
Maybe I'm missing the point. Maybe it's happening too often?
I'm disappointed to hear that it sounds like a burden to spend time with nieces and nephews.

[Minou]

Savess... some people are more kid and baby-crazy than others. Some aunts/uncles/grandparents love playing with and taking care of little kids, but it should never be considered an "expectation", however "reasonable", for them to take over for tired parents. It's nice that your relatives seem to enjoy spending a lot of time with your kids when you visit. I think aunts/uncles grandparents need to be allowed to have a relationship with related children on their own terms. People do tend to have problems when they expect more than their relatives are willing to give, and that's probably where the anger comes from.

When I was newly married to my husband, his much-younger sister seemed to expect me to be an amazing "auntie" to her son, dropping hints or coming right out and expecting me to buy him things (even inviting me out to go shopping at a children's clothing store she liked "in case I saw something I wanted to buy"!) and making frequent demands (!) for babysitting. I was working full time, trying to take care of a household, and taking university courses in the evenings... I really felt that she had made her lifestyle choices, and that I had the right to make mine. Hanging around and playing with little kids is exhausting. and I really had no time for my weekends to be taken up with babysitting. When she (by swearing at me, no less) and others in her family started putting pressure on me to do this babysitting, I certainly did feel angry, and I wanted to avoid my sister-in-law and nephew as much as possible. I now have two little ones of my own, and I still wouldn't appreciate having to take care of another person's small child! My husband and I don't really expect too much from our relatives as far as our kids are concerned, and we've generally only had babysitters in emergency situations. If they want to be involved, great, but we don't try to force things.

[Kelly5]

I should keep my mouth shut.
But…. I thought the initial point was about nieces and nephews….
I have a small family, almost all out of town. When they visit (maybe 3 times a year?), I guess I do expect that they will look after my small kids for a bit (while I'm home). I would think they would WANT to spend time with them, play with them, get to know them, and yes, keep them safe while doing it. Maybe I shouldn't expect this…. Kind of surprised by the near anger I'm hearing in this thread.
I'm not talking about going to friend's places and expecting them to watch my kids, I'll do that and make sure they behave. But an Aunt, Uncle or Grandparent, I thought it was a reasonable expectation. My kids talk and plan for weeks or longer waiting for a visit.
I don't think you can know what 'full time' means until you have kids. It's 24-7 every single day. Having a trusted family member watch them and love them and teach them really helps both the (tired) parent and the kids.
Maybe I'm missing the point. Maybe it's happening too often?
I'm disappointed to hear that it sounds like a burden to spend time with nieces and nephews.

I think it depends upon how the plan is implemented. I also live far away from all family (about 800km away). When I come over I want to spend time with nieces and nephews as well as all the rest of the family. In my situation the parents sit there and watch as the child gets bored, restless, and ultimately starts to misbehave. While I also only see family a few times a year, I still expect that the parents are the ones that watch their children. I may want to do an activity with them, but the parents should still check in and make sure that everything is still okay. What I resent is being expect to babysit their child for them while their parents relax. I respect that having a child is a 24/7 job, but ultimately it's your job not mine. Like I've already said, I don't know your family, and don't know what their feelings are on the subject, but in my family, I don't expect to be the babysitter. The beauty of being the aunt is that I can give your kid back to you when they cry or are being bad.

[Kelly5]

I totally agree with this response. I get really angry that I'm made to deal with other people's lifestyle choices. I love my family, but I don't want to be expected to do more than I want to or can do.

I feel badly that you're made to purchase items for the children. I've been there and it just ends in resentment. I wonder about my future children. Will these mothers watch my kids at family events while I sit on my butt and relax. I'm guessing that's not going to happen.