I can't afford to even be invited to a wedding....

[CanadianCouponCollector]

Let me get this straight.... These days, when someone gets invited to a wedding they are expected to pony up a gift. Not just a gift from the heart, either. I'm talking money. So let's say I can't afford to give them money. I RSVP that I cannot attend, and send my best wishes. Ok, but that isn't good enough for people. They expect that if you are not attending, you should apologize with a gift. Now, the amount that is expected of you as a wedding gift is the cost of the plate of food you (and your guest!) were going to eat. Look to spend between $50-$200 a plate. Seriously!? So considering you don't even know how much the plate is going to cost, you'd better err on the side of caution, and give $200 each plate. I personally cannot even afford a plate at home that costs $10. HOWEVER, if I decline, I am still expected to send a gift EQUALLING the amount I *would* have spent on that plate of food. And If I do NOT, I then apparently do not approve of the marriage, do not support the bride and/or groom, and will be shunned as a friend ever after.

What is this world coming to?

*drops mic*

[torontogal12]

Who is expecting you to do send a $200 gift if you don't go? That's wayyyyy too much. You can't be expected to cover the cost of a plate that you won't be eating.

And my family is Italian which is all about envelopes. The gift you send to a wedding you don't attend is much much smaller than the cost of your plate. I.e. if your plates would have cost $500, you send $100.

You need to Google about the awful bride who complained to the guy who gave her a gift basket.

Wedding gift etiquette is really different depending on the circles/cultures

[CanadianCouponCollector]

Yeah I was pointed to that article when involved in a discussion about the average cost of a plate of food at a wedding. The discussion came up when a friend mentioned that the plates were "about $200 each" when letting us know about the date they chose months before the wedding. I don't even like the fact that when you're invited to a wedding, you're automatically on the hook for a gift, even if you cannot go. It's like it all of a sudden becomes a "who's the richest and therefore a better friend" contest....

[roxybabe39]

$200.00 A PLATE!??!?

I think my jaw just hit the FLOOR!

I'm getting married next year and I'm struggling with the fact I have to pay $40 a plate! I couldn't even imagine $200!

As for the rant, I think it depends on the person getting married what they expect. I come from a huge Italian wedding - big gifts are customary... right? WRONG. My cousin just got married and 5 (yes FIVE) families split a gift worth $50.00. She paid $50/plate and there was 24 people splitting that $50.00 gift. Was she upset, yep! But thats how people are now-a-days. I'm personally going into my wedding with the thought that I wont get anything in return. The gifts I make is a plus but the real joy of the day will be marrying my bestfriend. The reason we are getting married is to celebrate our love and our life together not for the gifts or the money. But again, that is just us.

We are going to a wedding later this year and the bride actually had the nerve to facebook everyone to tell everyone that she does not want gifts at the wedding. Just cash...

My advice is to just do what you can. If at the end you like a cheap S.O.B oh well. It's not worth going into debt over and if they care about you at all they will understand.

[natynat]

Nope. If I'm not attending a wedding it's because I can't afford to be there. If I can't afford to be THERE, having fun, enjoying food and drinks, then I definitely can NOT afford to "not" be there. I never send money to the weddings I cannot attend. It's not that I don't approve of them, it's that I don't have the money. And even if I did, and chose not to go to your wedding, it's probably because you are a cousin of a cousin of my bf (I have no family here) and I probably don't even know your name.....and I will not give you my money so you can have an all-out Italian wedding. Nope. But that's just my opinion

[couponmummy]

My bro decided to elope in Vegas two years ago while on vacation. When they got back, they invited my mom to dinner at a restaurant but not my family. Needless to say, I did not give them a wedding gift and he better darn not ask for a gift.

[mcon]

hells, just cater with mcdonalds, cheeseburgers are only 1.49 each ^^
edit:nevermind reread it

and on that note, the whole point of inviting people to your wedding should be because you want them there, not so you get a gift from them..

[CanadianCouponCollector]

hells, just cater with mcdonalds, cheeseburgers are only 1.49 each ^^

lol! and guess what... "Dere's gotta be a coupon for dat!" When I was engaged and planning, we had decided we were going to skip inviting anyone but the two people we wanted to sign our papers, and we were going to do it outside our favourite hockey team's home rink right before a big game. There's too much society expects of a couple getting married. What happened to doing it for love? *sigh*

[lghend]

In my opinion, if you don't attend you don't need to send a gift. It's RUDE to "expect" people to give you gifts/money for anything. It's also RUDE to expect YOUR GUESTS to pay for their food at YOUR wedding!!

[CanadianCouponCollector]

... While we're not together anymore, my ex is a musician. Our food was usually "paid for" and gift given by my ex playing the reception, and sometimes the ceremony. 'Bout the only thing I miss about that.... lol

[Natalka]

OP, I'm sorry you feel you are stuck in that situation - but you can still just do what you want, period.

mcon and roxybabe hit it right on the head - the SINCERE point of inviting people to a wedding is for them to attend the ceremony - to be witnesses to you taking your vows - and to celebrate with you at the reception.

Gifts are NOT required for a wedding. Of course, most people do give gifts.

Yes, there are regional/cultural/traditional differences - and those can/must be taken into account, totally depending upon circumstances.

However, a gift is NOT to cover the cost of the 'plate' or the cost of whatever type/style of wedding the couple chose to have. The cost is their responsibility. Having people come to your wedding and give you gifts is not to cover the cost of it!
If you can't afford to have a 'certain' kind of wedding, then pare down - have fewer guests, alternate venues, etc.

I find it disheartening that a celebration of love is sometimes turned into a giftgrab..... just sad.

[luckbealady]

Average wedding cost in Canada is $20,000 - $30,000

That is ridiculous.

*If* (and that's a big if) I ever get married, I'm going to do it in Vegas, combine it with a honeymoon, and have a potluck when I get back. No gifts required, just bring a dish to share.

It's ridiculous that you're expected to send an extravagant gift *cough money cough* to a couple whose wedding you're not even attending. Frankly, if you don't go, I don't think you should have to send anything beyond a card wishing them congratulations.
I'm only in my 20s, but I thought wedding gifts were supposed to be for the couple to start out their new life together - things for the house (of course many people live together and have their houses settled before marriage now), not to cover the cost of their wedding.

And of course there are engagement gifts too! I was a student when my cousin got married, and my mother, SIL, and I went in together on their engagement gift. I was working during the summer, but told them I could only afford $25 towards the gift - my SIL told me the standard is $50 - so I upped it to $35, but I really couldn't go any higher (my SIL actually went over the budget on the gift and I still had to pony up $10 more - but that's a rant for a different thread).

Frankly, a couple should be happy for any gift they receive. I was taught that you don't expect money or gifts. My grandparents give us grandkids $500 every year at Christmas. But I never expect it. It's a lovely surprise when it happens, but I wouldn't throw a fit or love them any less if they gave me nothing more than a hug. Be thankful for good wishes, and use the positive thoughts to go through your life together - don't complain because that person didn't give you enough money.

[mcon]

Average wedding cost in Canada is $20,000 - $30,000

That is ridiculous.

*If* (and that's a big if) I ever get married, I'm going to do it in Vegas, combine it with a honeymoon, and have a potluck when I get back. No gifts required, just bring a dish to share.

It's ridiculous that you're expected to send an extravagant gift *cough money cough* to a couple whose wedding you're not even attending. Frankly, if you don't go, I don't think you should have to send anything beyond a card wishing them congratulations.
I'm only in my 20s, but I thought wedding gifts were supposed to be for the couple to start out their new life together - things for the house (of course many people live together and have their houses settled before marriage now), not to cover the cost of their wedding.

And of course there are engagement gifts too! I was a student when my cousin got married, and my mother, SIL, and I went in together on their engagement gift. I was working during the summer, but told them I could only afford $25 towards the gift - my SIL told me the standard is $50 - so I upped it to $35, but I really couldn't go any higher (my SIL actually went over the budget on the gift and I still had to pony up $10 more - but that's a rant for a different thread).

Frankly, a couple should be happy for any gift they receive. I was taught that you don't expect money or gifts. My grandparents give us grandkids $500 every year at Christmas. But I never expect it. It's a lovely surprise when it happens, but I wouldn't throw a fit or love them any less if they gave me nothing more than a hug. Be thankful for good wishes, and use the positive thoughts to go through your life together - don't complain because that person didn't give you enough money.

oh it is ridiculous what people pay for weddings, theres some tv show where they plan their wedding, and i caught a glimpse of it , and people will pay $10000 dollars to rent a park, or hall to have their wedding
all i can think to myself is "would of been free to just drive to a lake and have it" (there are plenty of lakes around me that are just grass fields leading to the lake, not some tourist spot with picnic tables etc etc)

[GoddessDigi]

This is how I did it: Got married at town hall, less than $100.
Now, we might have a..MODEST anniversary..remarriage..thing (sorry, not sure what to call it, lol), since it has been almost 5 years..but it would still never even top $2k.

[Minou]

If money is tight, you can always decline and then send a nice card with your best wishes for the wedding. A gift isn't required. If you have a bit of money, want to do something, and really like/are close to the couple, you could throw in a $25 gift card.

You could also attend the wedding and give some kind of gift (doesn't have to meet their monetary 'expectations' of what you are to give them). You could also avoid the cash dollar amount by buying a nice gift on sale, or even by giving them a gift card toward an outing or experience, or to buy something for their home. Brides and grooms need to realize that they don't know everyone's financial situation, and if they've opted for an expensive wedding, that's their choice.

I've heard a lot about "expectations" of what I'm supposed to contribute to people's events over the years, but have since discovered that those same people don't reciprocate. I think you have to do what you feel you want to do, as a lot of people who have rules for others don't follow those same rules themselves!