I can't afford to even be invited to a wedding....

[Minou]

This is how I did it: Got married at town hall, less than $100.
Now, we might have a..MODEST anniversary..remarriage..thing (sorry, not sure what to call it, lol), since it has been almost 5 years..but it would still never even top $2k.

Ugh. Don't do it! You're married! Another 'wedding' would be silly.

[Midnightly]

i wouldnt be surprised if the average wedding in canada is $20,000 - $30,000 a wedding is alot of expensive nickel and diming (500 here, 1,000 there....there kinda thing) between renting a hall, a photographer, a dress, food, linens, cleaning crew, DJ, favors, invites.....

i'm also not a fan of this "expectation" of gifts.. and the gift grab.. of people inviting half cousins from another province knowing they won't come JUST to get a gift or $$ out of them.. my thoughts are if you haven't seen them in over a year or haven't met the significant other they are planning to marry.. don't bother sending them an invite (ofcourse there are always exceptions to the rule.. like family who live out of country that you are still in close contact with)

i would just mail back the card and with a decline and send your best wishes... no gift.. no $$.. or if you want to go.. go.. and give a minor gift (you can get a good bottle of wine for $20) that way you don't have the couple looking at say a $20 in a card and thinking your just being cheap.. at a wedding you should never be expected to pay more then what you can afford.. i get it.. weddings are NOT cheap to put on.. but it's also not cheap for the company attending either (between needing a outfit/dress/suit/shoes, travel expenses, often hotel if your from out of town..)

[Midnightly]

This is how I did it: Got married at town hall, less than $100.
Now, we might have a..MODEST anniversary..remarriage..thing (sorry, not sure what to call it, lol), since it has been almost 5 years..but it would still never even top $2k.

city hall around here (in BC) they don't do court house/town hall marriages.. you have to pay for a marriage commissioner separately from your marriage license, some will do it in their own home but not all

tricky to do a wedding under $2,000 but it's manageable if it's a home wedding and everyone pitches in

[MillieH]

You are in a tough spot.. you can send nothing or you can send a small token and they view it as cheap.. blah.. I'd just RSVP wishing them a wonderful life together and not include a gift of any sort. My daughter & her hubby had a very small back yard affair.. .. she only invited very close family and 2 friends, he did the same. I think thats how weddings should be.. She didnt really want gifts.. she just wanted the people she felt close to .. her hubby felt the same.. Because of the size.. we were able to cover her dress, his suit, all the wedding/bridal expenses.. and her hubbys father surprised them with a gift of 30k.. eep.. made our 5k seem small .. There was no stress and no bills to stress over..

When my guy and I got married.. we eloped.. the wedding ring cost 50$ and the license cost $50.. my dress was $45. We had fish & chips in newspaper for our supper . :=) I'm way to practical to go in debt or spend thousands of dollars for one day in my life.

I'm very old.. I think its sad that many people have come to expect things given to them. We definitely appreciate things more when we have done without or worked hard to earn it

not sure why I rambled but I did.. anyways.. in summary.. I wouldnt send a gift, not even buy a freakin $5 card.. those are soo expensive.. I would just write best wishes on the RSVP card and send it back.

[Granger]

My understanding of "wedding etiquette," which as above posters have said, is that gifts should not be expected by the couple, but also that whether attending or not, a gift should be given within the givers' mean. This could be a congratulatory card or even a creative service.

Unfortunately, I understand your pain though. Nowadays, I will call it modern Westernized culture often seems to dictate a gift other than cash is cheap and unappreciated. Being invited to 4 weddings this season have left us in a financial bind, not being able to give as we would like. I have made a small gift for each couple and given $40 total (from my husband and I). I would personally rather give/have received a congratulatory card than nothing. Weddings are about celebrating together, but acknowledgement is nice.

[roxybabe39]

If money is tight, you can always decline and then send a nice card with your best wishes for the wedding. A gift isn't required. If you have a bit of money, want to do something, and really like/are close to the couple, you could throw in a $25 gift card.

You could also attend the wedding and give some kind of gift (doesn't have to meet their monetary 'expectations' of what you are to give them). You could also avoid the cash dollar amount by buying a nice gift on sale, or even by giving them a gift card toward an outing or experience, or to buy something for their home. Brides and grooms need to realize that they don't know everyone's financial situation, and if they've opted for an expensive wedding, that's their choice.

I've heard a lot about "expectations" of what I'm supposed to contribute to people's events over the years, but have since discovered that those same people don't reciprocate. I think you have to do what you feel you want to do, as a lot of people who have rules for others don't follow those same rules themselves!

SO true! Good point

[GoddessDigi]

@Midnightly & Minou: We got married where I'm from, in the US. We were actually going to do a 'real' wedding (still not big), and then decided to move it up and didn't tell anyone until the day of..so no one we knew was there. His parents were sooo mad, cause it's just not how they do it in their family (they have HUGE weddings). Which is why we're thinking of 're-doing' a wedding. lol I guess it would be more like an anniversary party.

Sorry to take over the thread. ._.

[tjthemanto]

Let me get this straight.... These days, when someone gets invited to a wedding they are expected to pony up a gift. Not just a gift from the heart, either. I'm talking money. So let's say I can't afford to give them money. I RSVP that I cannot attend, and send my best wishes. Ok, but that isn't good enough for people. They expect that if you are not attending, you should apologize with a gift. Now, the amount that is expected of you as a wedding gift is the cost of the plate of food you (and your guest!) were going to eat. Look to spend between $50-$200 a plate. Seriously!? So considering you don't even know how much the plate is going to cost, you'd better err on the side of caution, and give $200 each plate. I personally cannot even afford a plate at home that costs $10. HOWEVER, if I decline, I am still expected to send a gift EQUALLING the amount I *would* have spent on that plate of food. And If I do NOT, I then apparently do not approve of the marriage, do not support the bride and/or groom, and will be shunned as a friend ever after.

What is this world coming to?

*drops mic*

These people shouldn't expect other's to pay for their wedding !

If you can't afford one ..don't have one , as simple as that.

Only give a gift you can afford ..not what other's want.

[torontogal12]

$200? They must be getting married at the Chateau Laurier or some other frou frou place. In Toronto we looked into the Royal York hotel for fun. It was $175 per plate. That was the most expensive we saw in the whole city. I find it hard to believe that anything in Ottawa would cost more than in Toronto.

@roxybabe is right. go into the wedding thinking you won't get anything. Because some people will give you nothing, not even a card (happened to us). No one covers the cost of their plate anymore. Just be happy you are sharing the ceremony with everyone you care about.

Yeah I was pointed to that article when involved in a discussion about the average cost of a plate of food at a wedding. The discussion came up when a friend mentioned that the plates were "about $200 each" when letting us know about the date they chose months before the wedding. I don't even like the fact that when you're invited to a wedding, you're automatically on the hook for a gift, even if you cannot go. It's like it all of a sudden becomes a "who's the richest and therefore a better friend" contest....

[torontogal12]

That's what we did. Didn't bother sending invites to certain cousins in Italy. We knew they wouldn't come, so why bother?

my thoughts are if you haven't seen them in over a year or haven't met the significant other they are planning to marry.. don't bother sending them an invite (ofcourse there are always exceptions to the rule.. like family who live out of country that you are still in close contact with)

@Minou is so right about people not reciprocating the level of gift. One couple gave us half of what we gave them. And I think buying a gift on sale is a great idea to give the couple more value for your money. I mean we're the experts on sales, Immiright?

[Lyssia510]

The whole point of getting married is to make a life long commitment to each other. It has nothing to do with recieving gifts or money, or at least it shouldn't. If you make a decision to throw a 20-30 grand wedding and spend 200/a plate on dinner that's your choice and don't expect people to help cover the cost wedding.

[tjthemanto]

If you don't go and RSVP in time ..there is no cost to them , so why are they expecting a gift ?..that's super cheap...not that going means that they should expect a gift, that's cheap too..but maybe not super cheap..lol

Your "presence " is required not your "presents"

I personally would never give a gift of more than 50 bucks per person at a wedding, irrespective of how much it cost them.

[redhdlois]

I don't get why people would even spend $20K-$30K (or more) on a wedding......it really does not make any sense to me. That money could go so far for more practical things, such as down payment on a home or savings or education for future children (you get the point). Especially when a lot of marriages don't last lol...sorry...

Don't feel obligated to send a gift/money.....especially if you can't afford it. Or, send a basket of items from your stockpile (if you have one.....very practical gift IMO )

[Darth Penguin]

THere's one poster here who disagree with most of us.

I just hope she's still young enough that her parents are paying out all the money she, her family and friends seem to think they have to be re-embursed by thier guests. She's going to be in for a shock when she has to find the money to pay for several multi-hundred $ meals a couple of times a year when she has little spare cash of her own.

IMNSHO...our wedding was for Mr P and I to show how much we loved and cared for each other( plus some of the legal stuff). It was fairly small gathering ..close family and a few friends. since we had been living together for over 14 yrs, we had all the household goods we needed and since we were moving to Canada, we would be getting rid of some of them. Several people bought us small gifts and some family members gave us cheques. We hadn't asked nor expected that our hospitality should be recompensed in any way.

What I'm seeing more of recently is an engagement party= gift, bridal shower=gift, wedding= bigger gift...3 gifts for one event...Add in clothes, travel, lodging, sitter's fees etc where applicable and the average guest is looking at a huge bill at the end of the day.

[i_forget]

When I got married to the kids dad we eloped. I paid for the license and chapel, he bought the rings.
The last wedding I went to, I gave a $100 gift card, which was by far one of the larger gifts at the weddings. I will not go to a wedding and give less than that, but I base that on what I can afford, not the cost of my plate.
I do not think that i could even be friends with someone who held such unrealistic expectations for their wedding day. Sorry, but IMHO, if you are having a wedding so that you can cash in, then you should not be getting married. This entire fad that is starting where you are expected to gift cash at a value higher than your plate cost is just a representation of spoiled rotten.
And sending a gift with a no thank you....bull crap.