Break-Up

[MTLcouponer]

I just broke up with my boyfriend of six years, with whom I've been living with for two. *Skip ahead to last paragraph to avoid boring back story*

Our relationship was always toxic, I just think I was too young to realize it earlier. We would fight constantly. We couldn't see eye to eye on anything and could not even communicate. I'm very Type A and enjoy getting things done, and he prefers to spend weeks holed up in the apartment playing poker, betting with money he didn't have. We tried couple's therapy for a couple of years and spent thousands of dollars on it, even though we couldn't afford it, and never got anywhere.

When we started living together, because of our respective personalities, I slowly began acting like his mother. Although he paid his own rent, I supported him by buying food and anything else needed in the apartment (thanks to couponing!). I did most of the chores and was the only one to suggest activities we could do together (we hadn't been on a decent date in years). I'd dread going home, because I knew that I'd find him on the couch with his computer, as almost every other day in years. I felt drained all of the time, from worrying about him, doing chores and feeling responsible for both of us.

In our six years together, he flunked university twice, was depressed for about 3 years, only managed to get a job when I recommended him to my company and got addicted to a video game. In the past month, he also got laid off and hasn't looked for anything else, preferring to live off of the severance he received. So last week, something just clicked and I ended it.

**We're still living together though, and will be until September 1st. This is the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm hoping I can find the strength to survive this. I am not sad about our break-up, in fact I feel strangely at peace with it. But I feel incredibly guilty, as I feel like I am kicking him to the curb. He has little to no money and can't afford a decent place to live. He's never lived alone and always relied on other people to get him to do basic things, like grocery shopping. I don't know if he'll survive this alone and every time I come home at the end of the day, with him in the apartment, it's all I can think about. I'm ecstatic at having my own place and being able to go out with friends without a heavy weight on my shoulders. I'm excited about this next chapter in my life, but I can't get rid of the guilt, I feel like a horrible, horrible person. I feel selfish, like I'm abandoning him...

Thank you for reading this, it was super therapeutic for me Any insights are greatly appreciated.

P.S.: For anyone who's gone through a break-up recently, when does the knot in your stomach go away??

[Frugal Lisa]

Congrats on knowing to end it! But it's not your responsibility to worry about his basic needs. I know how you feel tho, I have been there but it's his time to work it out for himself. You should never have to mother your partner.

[emg]

Two things fro what you said. You mentioned peace and that is wonderful and important when making these kind of decisions. Thinking about yourself and getting ahead with your life. Congrats it's going to be great.
As for your boyfriend you mentioned that he has always depended on other people. I think this is going to be good for him. He will hopefully grow up and take responsibility. No human being needs rescuing. We are all capable but we don't always realize it. Good luck . It sounds like you have made a great decision. If you want a good read I recommend you to search the " drama triangle" It will probably sound familiar. good luck.

[Natalka]

I'm glad you came to the realization that it wasn't good for you as things were, but also sad that it was such a long time...

Do not feel guilty - you are giving him time to get off his arse and plan what to do. You aren't responsible for him!

As for the knot... well, that's easier said than done, I think. You have been used to the relationship, but once you truly feel the freedom, you will realize that it's more important to put yourself first when you move on.

You aren't selfish, not at all. You've learned from what has happened, and will do better for yourself next time. (Just don't jump into another relationship quickly....)

Don't overthink it.... just look forward!

[redhdlois]

So many women are co-dependent (do they still use that term ??) Me being one of them.....or at least was one of them.
Focusing on yourself is the best thing to do....read up about codependency...it answers a lot of questions as to why we act the way we do. Focus and work on yourself and your "issues" and the changes will be for the better.
The trouble with couples therapy is that it doesn't usually deal with the individuals issues (i.e. why you are involved in certain types of relationships, and your history which plays a huge role in who you end up with).
Good luck on your path !!

[CanadianCouponCollector]

Similar story here, except we were engaged and have children, and he's an addict.

There was a lot of emotional manipulation, convincing me I believed "X" about raising my children when really I believed in "XY" so when I didn't do it in "X" fashion, he's try to remind me that I was going against what I believed in (really it was only because he was trying to get me to do what he wanted). That wasn't the only scenario- he also did the same thing when it came to how I "treated" him.

Anywho, the knot won't go away until he does. Go easy on yourself. The guilt is normal, especially since you now feel like he is your responsibility. But he isn't your child, and although he may have a difficult go at it, even baby birds find their wings when they're thrown out of the nest.

I had nightmares for months after the breakup, and oddly enough they all turned out to be warnings about upcoming attempts to make my life hell. the separating emotionally took a long time for us both- we talked on the phone every night for hours, even after he moved in with his girlfriend (I didn't know). My son told me about the situation at his house, and I broke off all communication between us. He attempted suicide, trying to get me to pay attention to him again, but all I did was notify the police. When he finally told me he was engaged to this girl (still trying to get a rise out of me- any indication that I might still give a crap), I realized that I didn't care and was glad he was going to finally leave me alone, and finally started getting better sleep. This came two months after I stopped communication. I can't stand him, but have accepted that I may partly be at fault, or I may not be. He latched on to another mothering-type person in order to survive. Her car has since broken down and they can't afford to keep the house in good repair, because he's taking up all the money and not contributing. She was doing well until he arrived on her doorstep. It's unfortunate, yes, but it all helps me realize that this was the best choice, because that was me and my kids two years ago.

I spend all my time at college, playing with my kids, and couponing, and when those familiar thoughts of "what if" and "what went wrong" creep into my head, they've left before I even realize they were there.

For some people it takes a while, especially if they have a hard time letting go. for others, it can happen immediately. Either way, one day you'll just realize- hey! I haven't thought about so-and-so or that situation in a few hours! (Or days, or weeks) and THAT'S when you go and get chocolate ice cream to celebrate. Be sure to use your Chapman's coupon to get it, too. lol

[DolceBella]

Feeling guilty just proves your a good person with a good heart. In the end your doing what is making you happy for your future and you shouldn't feel bad about that. Try to focus on all the good that lays ahead for you rather than feeling guilty

[i_forget]

The pain does go away.
i was in a toxic relationship as well. It took me a long time to get my head straight after, but now that I am, I feel amazing.
I have my energy back, my kids are happy, I am going back to school in the fall....I LOVE myself and I am SOOOOOOO HAPPY.

I lost a lot of my friends when I was married, I was not allowed to have friends because it took away time from him, and the emotional abuse was unreal. I have made a few slip ups along the way, but I have stayed strong, admitted my errors and moved forward.
I am gently building new relationships and working slowly on old ones. I focus on my own needs and my kids needs before anything else, and hopefully one day I will have someone who loves me for crazy fun me!

Anyways, the pain does go away. The sense of peace you felt meant that it was the right thing to do.
You will be fine, you will see soon....stay strong

[Ciel]

Something clicked for you>cognitive dissonance. You recognized what is real vs what you hoped would happen. Knot in stomach-you've had six years together that you've emotionally invested. Part of the grieving the relationship aspect>when you feel ready, look into counselling if you feel stuck later.

Since you said you've been living together for two years>you are common law spouses in the eyes of Canada Revenue Agency. I don't know what Quebec family law has to say on matter. Suggest you visit a legal clinic to find out if you might have support obligations to your ex-boyfriend-don't want to be surprised in the fall when you have your own bills for your place. Also, are you both listed on the rental agreement now? Did you give notice to the landlord that you are moving out? Put it in writing to ensure that there is documentation on file so the departure has no loose ends (and you have your rent receipts up to that date or provide forwarding address if receipts are issued at the end of the year).

[Natalka]

Good point, Ciel about living common law - if it were in SK, it's two years.

However, did some googling, and in Quebec, there is none.

Quebec is the only province that does not recognize common-law relationships. The Supreme Court of Canada ruled in January 2013 that provinces had the right to decide if common law couples should get the same rights as married couples, and so has allowed Quebec to continue excluding common-law-style relationships from being recognized no matter how long two people have lived together.

http://www.ctvnews.ca/canada/common-...ourt-1.1129045

OP, look over these to see which might apply to you, just in case

http://www.justice.gouv.qc.ca/englis...le/union-a.htm

[vesper]

No reason to feel guilty. You are doing him a favour by moving on. He won't grow until you let him go. His chance to address his issues will begin, once you are gone. He might pretend he is fixing them, to lure you back, I am glad you already made up your mind.

Don't overthink it.... just look forward! ~ Natalka


​So many guys are going to be excited a woman like you is free! Yahoo!!

[MTLcouponer]

You guys are awesome, thanks so much for the support!!

We never declared ourselves as common-law, so that's not an issue. We bought a few pieces of furniture together, but we're not fighting over them. I'm trying to sublet the apartment for Sept 1 and I told him he had to be out by that time, but otherwise that's it.

Hearing all of your stories is amazing!!

[cath007]

For have been in one of those situation of co-dependance you are doing the wright thing for you,I am still paying for this relation so the fastest you will pass to something else the most happy you will be .Best of luck to youIt sad not everybody change ,some have to be forced to do it...

[jasperandchar]

Best of luck getting through the next month, I think you have made the best decision given the situation, all the best

[vesper]

This is my opinion. When starting a new relationship, at some point, that person will do something that will either confirm they are right for you, or not for you. It can be an action, something they say, a glimpse into something not revealed either good or bad... but if you are open, that moment will come and you will just know. Ignoring intuition is something only humans do, animals don't.