User Tag List

Page 20 of 22 FirstFirst ... 10 18 19 20 21 22 LastLast
Results 286 to 300 of 319
Like Tree21Likes

Thread: Another Cheap Laugh Thread

  1. #286
    Mastermind
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    32,871
    Likes Received
    21190
    Trading Score
    159 (100%)




    Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

  2. #287
    Mastermind
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    32,871
    Likes Received
    21190
    Trading Score
    159 (100%)




    YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......

    * You met him in prison.

    * During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
    * He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
    * When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
    * He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
    * He tells you that he's never told a lie.
    * He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
    * A prison guard is shaving your head.

  3. #288
    Mastermind
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    32,871
    Likes Received
    21190
    Trading Score
    159 (100%)




    A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

  4. #289
    Canadian Genius DiamondLil's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    New Brunswick
    Posts
    5,285
    Likes Received
    3560
    Trading Score
    9 (100%)






    Great laughs - what a way to start the Day!!!
    The past is behind, learn from it.
    The future is ahead, prepare for it.
    The present is here, live it.

  5. #290
    Coupon Queen jayne_a's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    somewhere between space and time
    Posts
    715
    Likes Received
    150
    Trading Score
    42 (100%)



    love this !

  6. #291
    Mastermind
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    32,871
    Likes Received
    21190
    Trading Score
    159 (100%)




    Top 10 Things to do at the Mall
    10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
    9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

    8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
    7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
    6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
    5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
    4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".
    3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
    2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
    1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

  7. #292
    Mastermind
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    32,871
    Likes Received
    21190
    Trading Score
    159 (100%)




    TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...

    10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

    9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

    8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

    7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

    6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

    5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

    4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

    3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

    2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

    1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

  8. #293
    Mastermind
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    32,871
    Likes Received
    21190
    Trading Score
    159 (100%)




    TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER...

    10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.

    9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.

    8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

    7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."

    6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.

    5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.

    4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.

    3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."

    2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.

    1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

  9. #294
    Mastermind
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    32,871
    Likes Received
    21190
    Trading Score
    159 (100%)




    top 10 reasons why some men favor handguns over women

    10 - you can trade in an old 44 for a new 22, no questions asked.

    9 - you can keep one handgun at home, and have another for when you're
    on the road.

    8 - if you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

    7 - your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a back up.

    6 - your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

    5 - a handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

    4 - handguns function normally every day of the month.

    3 - a handgun doesn't ask, "do these new grips make me look fat?"

    2 - a handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

    1 - you can buy a silencer for a handgun.

  10. #295
    Mastermind
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    32,871
    Likes Received
    21190
    Trading Score
    159 (100%)




    Top Ten Signs You are Addicted to the Internet
    1. You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.
    2. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
    3. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
    4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
    5. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
    6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.
    7. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
    8. All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...
    9. And even your night dreams are in HTML.
    10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.

  11. #296
    Mastermind
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    32,871
    Likes Received
    21190
    Trading Score
    159 (100%)




    Top 10 Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
    1. Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
    2. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
    3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
    4. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
    5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
    6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
    7. Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
    8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
    9. There go the lights again?
    10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."

  12. #297
    Mastermind
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    32,871
    Likes Received
    21190
    Trading Score
    159 (100%)




    Top Ten Things to Describe a Stupid Person

    1. A few crumbs short of a crouton.

    2. A few clowns short of a circus.

    3. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

    4. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

    5. A few beers short of a six-pack.

    6. A few peas short of a casserole.

    7. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

    8. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

    9. One taco short of a combination plate.

    10. A few feathers short of a whole duck

  13. #298
    Mastermind
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    32,871
    Likes Received
    21190
    Trading Score
    159 (100%)




    Top 10 Reasons George W. Bush Wants To Put A Man On Mars

    10. Dick Cheney needs a new undisclosed location

    9. It's part of his "No Planet Left Behind" initiative

    8. Great deal on the off-season airfare right now at Expedia.com

    7. Maybe we'll find some weapons of mass destruction there

    6. We've run out of places on Earth to drill for oil

    5. Hoping to get Mork's autograph

    4. We cannot back down until the people of Mars hold free elections

    3. Dude, free Mars bars

    2. Why not? It's not like we have an enormous debt or failing economy

    1. Pete Rose bet him we wouldn't do it

  14. #299
    Mastermind
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    32,871
    Likes Received
    21190
    Trading Score
    159 (100%)




    Top 10 Signs Your Car Should Be Recalled

    10. "Leaks brake fluid, transmission fluid and blood"

    9. "It can only make left turns"

    8. "Ambulances follow you around"

    7. "It was rated a "Best Buy" by "Faulty Wiring Magazine""

    6. "It has the same battery as your watch"

    5. "Heater control is marked "Low," "High" and "Sars""

    4. "Page 74 of the owners' manual advises: "Car is for display purposes only""

    3. "Blue book value: $38.75"

    2. "Seatbelts are made of delicious Taffy"

    1. "Dealer promised engine would last as long as your marriage to Britney Spears"

  15. #300
    Mastermind
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    32,871
    Likes Received
    21190
    Trading Score
    159 (100%)




    The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account

    10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
    9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
    8. Apparently, your flame war with [email protected].com is about to turn ugly.
    7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
    6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
    5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
    4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
    3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
    2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
    1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

Page 20 of 22 FirstFirst ... 10 18 19 20 21 22 LastLast

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •