Another Cheap Laugh Thread

[Patty Smyth]

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. <o:p></o:p>

Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. <o:p></o:p>

Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. <o:p></o:p>

Pray with her. Pray for her. <o:p></o:p>

Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. <o:p></o:p>

Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the <o:p></o:p>

earth and back again for her. <o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

HOW TO TREAT A MAN: <o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV. <o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

[Patty Smyth]

The Human Body<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
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It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.



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[Patty Smyth]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

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[Patty Smyth]

: The Pencil!<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
The value of a Catholic education and a pencil <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School .. Usually she slept through the class. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Margaret Mary, who created the universe?' <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'<o:p></o:p>

[Patty Smyth]

'MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD IN NEWFOUNDLAND'
'Hello, is this the Police Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin'
marijuanainside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
themlogs, but he's hidin' it there..'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house. They
searchthe shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Jack and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.

'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Newfies know how to get'er done)

[Patty Smyth]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.<o:p></o:p>
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.<o:p></o:p>

EATING OUT<o:p></o:p>

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.<o:p></o:p>
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.<o:p></o:p>

MONEY<o:p></o:p>

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.<o:p></o:p>
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.<o:p></o:p>

BATHROOMS<o:p></o:p>

• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .<o:p></o:p>
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.<o:p></o:p>

ARGUMENTS<o:p></o:p>

• A woman has the last word in any argument.<o:p></o:p>
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.<o:p></o:p>

FUTURE<o:p></o:p>

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.<o:p></o:p>
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.<o:p></o:p>

SUCCESS<o:p></o:p>

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.<o:p></o:p>
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.<o:p></o:p>

MARRIAGE<o:p></o:p>

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.<o:p></o:p>
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.<o:p></o:p>

DRESSING UP<o:p></o:p>

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.<o:p></o:p>
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.<o:p></o:p>

NATURAL<o:p></o:p>

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.<o:p></o:p>
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.<o:p></o:p>

OFFSPRING<o:p></o:p>

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.<o:p></o:p>
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.<o:p></o:p>

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.<o:p></o:p>

[Patty Smyth]

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<TABLE style="mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #ebe9ed; BORDER-LEFT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; BORDER-TOP: #ebe9ed; BORDER-RIGHT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top><TABLE style="mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #ebe9ed; BORDER-LEFT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; BORDER-TOP: #ebe9ed; BORDER-RIGHT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top><TABLE style="mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #ebe9ed; BORDER-LEFT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; BORDER-TOP: #ebe9ed; BORDER-RIGHT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top><TABLE style="mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #ebe9ed; BORDER-LEFT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; BORDER-TOP: #ebe9ed; BORDER-RIGHT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top><TABLE style="mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #ebe9ed; BORDER-LEFT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; BORDER-TOP: #ebe9ed; BORDER-RIGHT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top><TABLE style="mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #ebe9ed; BORDER-LEFT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; BORDER-TOP: #ebe9ed; BORDER-RIGHT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top><TABLE style="mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #ebe9ed; BORDER-LEFT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; BORDER-TOP: #ebe9ed; BORDER-RIGHT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top><TABLE style="mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #ebe9ed; BORDER-LEFT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; BORDER-TOP: #ebe9ed; BORDER-RIGHT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top><TABLE style="MARGIN: auto auto auto 10.5pt; mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #ebe9ed; BORDER-LEFT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; BORDER-TOP: #ebe9ed; BORDER-RIGHT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top><TABLE style="MARGIN: auto auto auto 10.5pt; mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #ebe9ed; BORDER-LEFT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; BORDER-TOP: #ebe9ed; BORDER-RIGHT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top>
Things Got Ya Down?Well Then, Consider These . . ...

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet did not pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better?
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[Patty Smyth]

Black Testicles <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, <o:p></o:p>

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still <o:p></o:p>

heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical <o:p></o:p>

procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a <o:p></o:p>

partial sponge bath. <o:p></o:p>

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my <o:p></o:p>

testicles black?' <o:p></o:p>

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, <o:p></o:p>

Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' <o:p></o:p>

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles <o:p></o:p>

black?' <o:p></o:p>

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry <o:p></o:p>

about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment <o:p></o:p>

and sheepishly pulls back the covers. <o:p></o:p>

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and <o:p></o:p>

his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them <o:p></o:p>

around. <o:p></o:p>

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's <o:p></o:p>

nothing wrong with them, Sir !!' <o:p></o:p>

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and <o:p></o:p>

says very slowly, <o:p></o:p>

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen <o:p></o:p>

very, very closely...... <o:p></o:p>

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? <o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

[Patty Smyth]

IRISH GAS STATION.......<?xml:namespace prefix = v ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:vml" /><v:shapetype id=_x0000_t75 stroked="f" filled="f" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" o:preferrelative="t" o:spt="75" coordsize="21600,21600"> <v:stroke joinstyle="miter"></v:stroke><v:formulas><v:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @0 1 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @2 1 2"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @0 0 1"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @6 1 2"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"></v:f></v:formulas><v:path o:connecttype="rect" gradientshapeok="t" o:extrusionok="f"></v:path><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:lock aspectratio="t" v:ext="edit"></o:lock></v:shapetype><v:shape style="WIDTH: 14.25pt; HEIGHT: 11.25pt" id=EC__x005f_x0000_i1025 alt="" type="#_x0000_t75" o:spid="_x0000_i1025"><v:imagedata o:href="cid:000b01c9be2c$29399d90$0a02a8c0@Bourque " src="file:///C:\DOCUME~1\HP_ADM~1\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01 \clip_image001.gif"></v:imagedata></v:shape>

<v:shape style="WIDTH: 14.25pt; HEIGHT: 11.25pt" id=EC__x005f_x0000_i1026 alt="" type="#_x0000_t75" o:spid="_x0000_i1026"><v:imagedata o:href="cid:000c01c9be2c$29399d90$0a02a8c0@Bourque " src="file:///C:\DOCUME~1\HP_ADM~1\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01 \clip_image002.gif"></v:imagedata></v:shape> <v:shape style="WIDTH: 19.5pt; HEIGHT: 20.25pt" id=EC__x005f_x0000_i1027 alt="" type="#_x0000_t75" o:spid="_x0000_i1027"> <v:imagedata o:href="cid:000d01c9be2c$29399d90$0a02a8c0@Bourque " src="file:///C:\DOCUME~1\HP_ADM~1\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01 \clip_image003.gif"></v:imagedata></v:shape>

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new

Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is....

'Top o' the mornin' to ya.'

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

'So what are those things, laddie?' asks the attendant.

'They're called tees,' replies Tiger.

'And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?' inquires the Irishman.

'Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive,' replies

Tiger.

'Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!' exclaims the Irish attendant.

'Those Fellas at Mercedes think of everything.'

[bina]

Night time naughtiness......

[DH666]

Bwaaaaahaaaahaaaahaaaaaa!

[Natalka]

Patty, are you ok? Are you home alone?

[LoRaOz]

Thanks for sharing Patty!! Made me smile

[Patty Smyth]

Patty, are you ok? Are you home alone?

Yes I'm o.k. why do you ask? LOL

[DH666]

Patty, are you ok? Are you home alone?

Do you know something ! don't? She's 3 feet away from me.