My son wants to leave town to go to University, need advice....

[gameprogirl]

My son informed me, next year when he is 17 1/2, he wants to go 20 hrs away for university. I think he is too young, I want him to stay in town, we have a great university here.

His education is all through scholarships but he is not street smart and cant do stuff on his own. He will be far away from everyone and anyone he knows.

What should I do, I'm not gonna stop him if he really wants to go but I'm worried he will not handle it well and end up quitting to come back home.

[Natalka]

I can pass on to you what my parents said to me when I was in his situation (I didn't like the advice then, but it was the best).
I was in SK, and wanted to go to ON. for university
I was the same age as your son.

They told me if I didn't want to go to the nearest university (hour and a half away), then I would have to stay home and work that year.
Needless to say, I was eager to start university, so I did go to the U of S - and ended up getting two degrees there - and was very happy!

I think you should get him to try one year at least at your local university. He can always transfer his credits.

(In my case, I had wanted to go into Journalism. Got my degree in English and Sociology first, then went out working. Had a chance after a year and a half to work as a print journalist, found out that it was NOT the type of life I wanted to lead - even though I loved writing - so it was a darned good thing I listened to my parents.)

Good luck!

[jjwbuster]

I am in the same situation. We have quite a few universities within a 5 hour drive and one in our city. My son wants to leave our province as well. As much as I hate to think of him leaving, I am letting him go. I went away to school when I was 17.

He will never be able to "do stuff" on his own if he isn't given the opportunity to do it and learn whatever lessons from it.

This coming from a mom who cried when my guy was 3 days old because I knew that someday he would grow up and go away to school.

Hate it but know that it has to happen.

[gameprogirl]

I am in the same situation. We have quite a few universities within a 5 hour drive and one in our city. My son wants to leave our province as well. As much as I hate to think of him leaving, I am letting him go. I went away to school when I was 17.

He will never be able to "do stuff" on his own if he isn't given the opportunity to do it and learn whatever lessons from it.

This coming from a mom who cried when my guy was 3 days old because I knew that someday he would grow up and go away to school.

Hate it but know that it has to happen.

I babied him too much, I got all sad when he told us. I just want him to take the cheaper way with less work involved. I know what its like being on your own young and having to do chores, cook meals and go to school full time as well as work. I know what you mean about letting them go, but I think he wont like the move in the long run because my kid is very much a momma's boy/grandma's boy and being alone in a strange city will scare him and he'll end up transfering back here anyhow. I will let him go if thats his decision but I'll be a blubbering mess for awhile LOL

[marstec]

Does he want to go because the program isn't offered at the local university? If he has full scholarships, it sounds like he's a pretty bright cookie. I wouldn't necessarily discourage him from going to the one further away. Anything is possible as long as the determination is there. Have a talk with him about the pros and cons of both situations, he might surprise you.

BTW, I might be going through this same situation next year with my daughter. I am hoping she picks our university since we are footing the bill, unless she can come up with scholarships too.

[Shwa Girl]

gameprogirl, please don't blame yourself for babying him. You were being a good mom.

Your son is making an adult decision about his education and about his residence.

The scholarships will take care of his education. I would sit down with him and tell him that you will pay for room and board, bills and meals, if he stays at home and goes to the local university. He can contribute to the household with chores, cooking and doing his laundry. He does not pay rent, bills or for food.

If he chooses to go 20 hours away, he can. However, he is responsible for rent, bills, groceries, toiletries, entertainment. So he will need to get a job and work during school.

[Darth Penguin]

Another cultural minefield for me.

In the UK the vast majority of students go to a uni in a different city, it's as much a rite of passage as a way of getting an education.

Of course the distances are a lot less. Unless you are at the ends of the country, British students tend to be less than 10 hours, by car, between thier parents houses and univeristy.

IMHO, it's best to sit your son down and list the pro and cons of staying vs moving. His new responsibilites vs the comforts of living at home.

I know it sounds harsh but your son is nearly an adult and not a child any longer. He needs to have some control over his life.

[Shwa Girl]

IMHO, it's best to sit your son down and list the pro and cons of staying vs moving. His new responsibilites vs the comforts of living at home.

He needs to have some control over his life.

I agree.

Maybe the OP could do a test drive.
Her son can try a one month budget while living at home and see how he could pay for everything.

Both Mom and son will learn from the test.

[MrsSunshine]

exactly. i could not imagine my son leaving home to go to university/college in January on his own. he is NO where near ready for that.
if your son has a job. try the above advice. give him ALOT more independence of his own 'stuff' ie meals, laundry etc. see how that goes.

[DaveP]

You know your son better than anyone, and whether he can handle that level of independence. I know I couldn't. I was 17 starting University and far from home. Very high marks in High School, and little need to study. Got to university and had way too much freedom and made some wrong choices. I wasn't mature enough. Some are, some aren't. As I said, you know him better than anyone, do what you believe to be right.

[MrsSunshine]

just out of curiousity what makes YOU think HE is too young.??

[gameprogirl]

Thanks for the advice everyone, our university offers all the stuff he wants to do. No one in my family understands why he wants to leave. My child is very sheltered and a sheep, he also lacks motivation without someone pushing him all the time.

I told him to hold a p/t job for 1 year from now till then and pull his 95%+ in school so he can buy a car and he can go.

I know he wont because he is already wanting a guitar.

[ame555]

I was 19 when university time came (we still had grade 13) and I didn't not want to stay in my home town AT ALL. It had a university (a small one), but I wanted to spread my wings. My parents were great (a little strict but I still wanted to get away from them!).

It was such a good experience for me, it forced me to mature, to see/meet new people/cultures/ideas etc. I lived in residence for 2 years which was a nice transition. I went home for the weekend about once a month, probably talked to my parents every day though. I went home to work every summer. It actually made us ALOT closer.

I was about 4 hours aways.

Now on the flip side, friends who did stay at home and go to school probably are in better financial shape, but I'm always amazed at meeting a 20 year old who doesn't know how to do their own laundry!! (ie. my husband!)

[safielstar]

I was 19 when I went to university (one of the last group of kids to have grade 13), and I went to the university in my city. Luckily the program i wanted was offered close to home so I wasn't forced to move.

I did however go into residence (just for 1st year) even though I could have very easily commuted. My parents were willing to pay for it and they really wanted me to experience living away from home as I'd been a little sheltered myself, and they figured it was better to do so in a slightly controlled environment like a residence rather than in a place off campus, plus I could still come home on the weekends. My parents knew me well, it was a nice gradual thing as opposed to trial by fire, and I can honestly say it helped me a lot. By the time I completely moved out I was more than able to handle household responsibilities as well as school because I'd had residence to practice.

If your DS is really gung ho about going away and you honestly don't think he's ready (you know him best), at least you have some time to acclimate him to what life away from home will be like. Start by making him responsible for things like his own laundry and cooking, and especially his own school-related stuff like keeping track of things on a calendar etc. Tell him that he needs to prove to you that he can at least handle these things before you can really consider letting him go away for school, not because you don't want him to go but because you want him to succeed and you know how hard it'll be if he can't handle extra responsibility now.

If he doesn't follow through, then maybe try to compromise with him about going so far away (maybe staying at the local university or not going as far away as 20 hours). My nephew is 18 and he wants to go away to school next year, and this is what my sister in law has been doing for him and he's been doing really well so far (working, keeping up with school, responsible for his own car and upkeep, doing his chores and stuff at home etc.).

[mle]

You know your son better than anyone, and whether he can handle that level of independence. I know I couldn't. I was 17 starting University and far from home. Very high marks in High School, and little need to study. Got to university and had way too much freedom and made some wrong choices. I wasn't mature enough. Some are, some aren't. As I said, you know him better than anyone, do what you believe to be right.

Well said
And if he doesn't do so well on his own, it's just another lesson learned.
I wouldn't pressure him with the decision yet, there's still time, and perhaps until then he can explore closer options (Ontario has quite a few world class universities & colleges for all sorts of different programs).