Teenagers -new grey highlights every day!

[SDiddy]

Please, all who have experienced the hardships and have fought the exhausting flight of the teenaged years, tell me something to help get through this current hell on earth!!! A 15 yr old I have, I good girl, a smart and talented girl, but is so rude and disrespectful , and full of hatred to no end to her parents! I understand there is a phase where the hormones prevail and it’s only natural to hate your parents (We all were teenagers once) but my gosh, I’ve never felt so helpless in all of my life. Do I play things by ear mostly avoiding conflict? Do I set an example and exile her to her room with no communication? My gosh, I HATE FACEBOOK….my biggest mistake as a mother was to let her create an account! She has a 1 hr. limit per day, but also has lots of other gismos to see her through the status updates and notes!
Looking for some wisdom in this matter and cannot wait for this evil stage to pass. Never would have imagined this kid, who was stuck to me like glue for 12 years or so would get so distant

[marstec]

No Facebook in this house...for anyone. Apparently, I'm the meanest mother that ever lived...

I'm going to be watching this thread. I have a very mouthy 17 year old daughter. I do take away privileges when she hits my breaking point! I remember being a bit snarky to my parents, but no where on this level!

[alohamom]

OMG! all I can say is hang in there! I am right behind you with a 14 year old who is also a good kid, great grades, excellent sense of morals etccc BUT when she wants to, she can breathe fire with her words (accented by attitude!) I never imagined she could or would be so mean and rude to my DH and I. I am just on the edge of letting her have a facebook acount and your post is making me think twice. One of my dear old aunts gave me some amazing advice once when she said "some days all you can do is love them". This was years ago when the kids were toddlers and I always come back to this very simple sentence because it reminds me that none of us are given a parenting handbook and we may not always react like we should but everything we do should be from a place of love. When that happens, you cannot fault yourself because you want what is best for them, even if it means what you do as a parent isnt popular with your kids. I hope we both make it though this time, I often think to my self, just wait till she has her own kids but knowing me I would be babysitting them all the time anyway!!!!! Enjoy the rest of the evening...

[Natalka]

I have a teen son, so I know that's a bit of a different dynamic, but I see what my sisters are going through with their teen girls.

Have rules and guidelines in your home. Chores are a must - and no payment for them, everyone does them simply because everyone lives in the home.
Family supper together is mega-important. Yes, everyone is busy, but it's a must for communication - you grow on each other!
No mouthing off or bad attitude tolerated at all! Period. In our home, it's that simple. If you cannot act/talk respectfully and decently, you're going to - yes - get a lecture. And another one. And another one.
Consequences to bad behaviours - that totally depends upon the dynamics of your family.
If you think she's spending too much time on FB and on phone, either talking or texting, limit it. And, yes, you can remove privileges from her, you're the parent - pull the plug.

Are we tough? Yup. But it's nipped many things in the bud, and we are grateful now that we did things like this along the way (trust me, there are many other things we had to deal with....).

Make sure you tell her you love HER, just not her bad behaviours. This is sometimes tough for them to understand, but it gets through!

Just a point to consider - look to who her 'friends' are....

[alohamom]

I should add when I was a mouthy teen, my parnets decided to send me to england on a summer school program. It was amazing and made really appreciate Canada, my family and all the privledges I had. Maybe you could look into something like that and then threaten her with it (hehehe, I am kinda evil, no wonder my parents sent me away!!!!)

[Natalka]

- I forgot, you need this!

[SDiddy]

Alohamom...thanks so much for sharing, it makes me feel not so much "alone" ! I appreciate your comments

Marstec - I am dumbfounded as to how you kept your 17 yr old off of facebook??? where this is the social life for them in this day in age...anyhow, kudos to you for distracting this teenaged distraction! WTG! Suggestions and imput would be appreciated

Natalka - In most threads and on many posts you are the "words of wisdom" and are the most caring thoughtful poster on this forum, so THANK YOU for your opinion and post (if only I knew how to put a pic on here??)

This is what caught my attention from your post "Make sure you tell her you love HER, just not her bad behaviours"

I will make a strong effort to not always harp on the bad, but to celebrate and give kudos to the good.....thank you

[vibrantflame]

Natalka, great advice. I always make sure to tell my children (4.5 and 2.5) when they misbehave that I love them, just not their bad behaviour.

By the time I was a teenager, it was just me, one of my older sisters, and my Dad (my Mom passed when I was 11). I guess I was a bit of a chicken or something because I wouldn't have dared mouth off to my Dad!!

I don't know if this will work, as I said my boys are both young still, but when DH and I get into an argument, I always make sure I don't raise my voice, I try not to show signs of irritation or exasperation. Also, if I feel things are getting too heated, I simply say "I'm not discussing this with you right now" and walk away. If I said something that was mean or hurtful, I apologize, and if my feelings were hurt, I make sure to tell my husband that he hurt my feelings and *why*, so he understands. I know it's not quite the same dynamic but I think the principles apply to any relationship.

[marstec]

My daughter didn't get a cell phone until she was in grade 10, when she was driving. The next child was able to get one a whole year earlier, in grade 9. He told me that I was ruining his social life! Children will not use the land line to call these days, in case, heaven forbid, they actual have to talk to an adult! We got him a simple pay-as-you-go phone which allows him to keep in touch with older sis (who drives him to school). I think that a cell phone should be good enough. I personally don't believe in Facebook, seems like a popularity contest and often people get hurt...the children haven't complained about not having it.

My big problem is that my husband and I don't see eye-to-eye about some parenting issues, mainly because he thinks we should buy the children whatever they want, and I don't. He doesn't go against my wishes, but the children know who the soft touch is around here. It can be frustrating at times.

The advice given so far has been excellent. Making rules and sticking by them are the key. The children will pounce at any sign of weakness.

[SDiddy]

Vibrantflame - thank you for your comments! You've had some great hardship along the way, I commend you I like that you said about not raising voices, and not letting things get to heated. This is something that I have to learn along the way It is very hard with a teenager, not to raise a voice!

[corbinx]

I can't offer much advice since my kids are little right now. At least when my 3 year old throws a tantrum I can still pick her up or easily take away her toys, lol. I know some people with terrible teens and they don't know what to do with them. I hope your daughter gets past this and one day you can tease her about it when she's fighting with her own kids (as my mom does to my brother..."what goes around, comes around" lol).

[recessionisnotfun]

Send her here for a week lmao, she'll beg to come home and behave ha ha ha.
Scare the poor kid ha ha. I'm kidddding

[ninna]

I don't have any experience (yet) but I can see it coming in a few years. My 9 year old can throw the ugliest glare I've seen when she's angry with me. It's marginal consolation when my brother says, "hey--that's the look you used to give mom and dad." LOL.

Natalka has great advice there. We're a believer in family meal times as relationship builders. I'm not looking forward to teenage years in our house. Two daughters and I know what my attitude was like as a teenage girl--I was as self-centred as they come (aren't most teenagers?). I can't imagine putting electronic devices and instant communication like cellphones and FB into the mix with that. Ugh.

Good luck. And just remember--all teenagers grow into adults and the type of behavior and attitude you're experiencing IS temporary. There will come an "a ha moment" in the future when they reflect on their own behavior and they will probably thank you for being so patient and tolerant with them.

[ame555]

I have two little ones so I'm not really in your boat, but I do remember being 15/16 and being so rude to my parents oh I had attitude somedays (but I still kept up good grades and everything else)...but in my head I felt so akward, so fat, so ugly, so anxious, so out of place with other kids I was angry. I didn't quite understand what I was going through so I took a lot out of it on my parents. They thought I was moody, but it was not just being moody.

Anyways, having said that, around 19 I started to get a bit more confidence in myself and my attitude greatly changed! Now at 34 (and for a long time) I am extremely close to my parents, I call home atleast once a day!

[erin9mmm]

Have rules and guidelines in your home. Chores are a must - and no payment for them, everyone does them simply because everyone lives in the home.

I agree. My husband believes in a reward system and I feel that they should help because they are part of the family and taking part is just the right thing to do. (I think I've started to sway him to my side)

Family supper together is mega-important. Yes, everyone is busy, but it's a must for communication - you grow on each other!

Another big one at our house. We always sit together for most meals. My husband and I really wanted this when we were planning our family and happily we have stuck to it.

No mouthing off or bad attitude tolerated at all! Period. In our home, it's that simple. If you cannot act/talk respectfully and decently, you're going to - yes - get a lecture. And another one. And another one.

I tell my girls that unless they can talk to me nicely I won't listen. I don't mind if they disagree and want to express their difference of opinion but don't be rude!

I have given them a "travel through time" punishment before. They were being rude and talking back (also not appreciating the things they had) so I told them for one week they would be living like I did. So everything that had not yet been invented when I was a kid/teen (late 70's early 80's) was going to be taken away. If things didn't improve the next week I was going to take them back to when my mom was their age, then to my grandmother's age (you get the idea). I wanted them to realize that what they have are not necessities and definitely do not warrant being mouthy over.