I need some advice...

[KrazE]

Ok, this is the one post that I will take the time to respond to because I personally went through this, and I represented myself (I was my own lawyer) in my court battles through Family Court, and Superior Court. I am going to give you facts, so do not confuse them with 'uncaring'; I have been in & out of court with my ex many times since January 2006 because he always has something new to complain about every 2 years.

1) No matter what a POS your ex-BF is, he has equal rights to his child

2) Unless there is a police record or a conviction involving drug use, the court will not force supervised access unless there is factual information to state otherwise; your statement, or family/friends vouching for what you're saying doesn't change anything

3) Family court Judges have heard everything, there is nothing new that you could possibly say that they have not already heard in another case. Unfortunately in many custody cases, things get very ugly and it stops being about the children, and more about how to get back at the other spouse

4) No matter what you now say about how he treated your daughter, yourself, the child you have together, the fact remains that your actions of remaining in the relationship is a silent agreement that you did not feel that the children were in danger being around him; this gives more reason for the court to not issue supervised access.

5) What is very important in custody cases is something called 'Status Quo'; typically, the courts do not like to make too many changes to this as it can negatively affect the children.

6) What you presently have right now is called 'Defacto Custody'; what you need to be aware of right now is that your ex-bf has the same rights to the child you had together as you do. If he lives somewhere right now where he can set up a bed for that child in a safe environment (roof over her head, food, clothes etc - remember, safe in the eyes of the law is specific) then he could legally pick up that child for a 'visit' and refuse to return her. The police typically will not get too involved in those type of matters, they can only suggest that he return the child, but they cannot force him to do as such.

7) Knowing that information above, it's also not a good idea to refuse him access to his child; you can certainly set up something in a public location and bring friends/family with you for protection if need be. If he has made physical threats though, then stay away from him for now.

8) Starting right now, get yourself a journal; you need to document everything in point form. All conversations, all texts, phone calls, absolutely everything; this can be your saving grace when you/your lawyer needs to file the affadivits with the courts, having detailed information makes a huge difference in the outcome of most cases.

9) Do not post negative/derogatory messages about him on Facebook etc, this can work against you in court as it can be used as evidence as well.

10) His claim on your home will depend on how long you have lived together. If you have hit the 2 year mark (under BC law) then the division of property falls under what is called the law of trust. It means he may have a right to a part of the property if he contributed to it. Even if it's been less than 2 years, he might be able to file under 'unjust enrichment', but those are not always successful with short term relationships.

It's late so there is much more I could add, but it would take quite awhile.

Just as an FYI - I'm fully supporting your decision to kick him out & raise your children without him, I just want you to understand that Family Law is not so cut & dried; it's a long tiring process with how busy the system is, and Judges only want the facts, emotions do not help you at all no matter how hard it is to push them down when it comes to the courts.

Also, so you understand why I am certain about your claim that your ex does drugs will not equal supervised visitation - my ex's gf (now wife) was charged and convicted of assault with a weapon for beating my then 8 yr old son with the hard plastic tubing from a vacuum for wetting his pants. My ex was not there at the time, but arrived home within an hour of it happening and was made fully aware of it. His response was to tell the kids not to tell Mommy or I would never let them see him ever again, and then they disposed of the weapon she used.
This happened on a Thursday afternoon, he brought the kids back to me on Saturday morning and no-one said a word; I had no idea something had happened until Sunday evening when I was getting my 8 yr old started for his bath before bed. To this day, I can still vividly see the massive bruises that were on his left side, across his buttocks, across his lower back, and it takes my breath away.
He might not have yielded the weapon, but he knew she broke the law and did nothing to protect his child; the police did not charge him with anything, and CAS did not recommend supervised access, there was a restraining order on her.

So no, you're not going to get an order for supervised access due to 'recreational pot use', sorry.

If you have questions, you can certainly PM me.

Best of luck to you.

[misstarbender]

thank you for your comments Kraze.
Im willing to let him have visitation but am definatly suing for full custody. He cannot care for a baby on his own. I can prove this.
His parents have told me that if he ever tried to sue me for custody they would be the first ones on the stand saying that he is unable to care for a child.
His pot use is not recreational. Its morning, noon, and night. all day. everyday.
The reason that I never left before is because I tried. and everytime I said I wanted him out, he would say Im taking the baby and running. I was terrified.

[hijinx25]

Sadly, KrazE makes really good points (and unfortunately, they come from personal experience).

I really do hope that whatever legal aid you can acquire will help you gain custody and help you to protect both your children. I hope that your family can help you out to - I can't imagine how frightened you are for your children.

Be strong - be your kids warrior-momma. They need you to protect them.

Big hugs and good luck! Please keep us posted! Wish I knew someone in the legal field that I could refer you to.

[thriftygranny]

You should be proud of yourself for making the right move even though it is frightening. Speaking fom experience men like this that like to rule by intimidation will never change. give yuor children a chance and lose hm now. I would contact children's services and ask for help, explain that your 5 year old daughter may need to talk to someone and be assesed after being treated so poorly by her father figure. These sessions should be documented and it will give you more than enough evedence of the abuse he has inflicted on her while helping her sort out her feelings about the situation. I hope something like this is available in your area. Make sure you and the kids are safe as well, perhaps a Women's shelter for a few nights to get away from the worry.

On the lighter side you are now available for the hottie manager from Save On Foods. Just kidding, I had read your post about him earlier!!!

[Peachykeen2007]

bookmarking to comment in the morning

[KrazE]

As I said in my PM to you. Most men who threaten to take away a child, or children of a relationship that went sour don't _actually_ want them, they use it as a tactic to get back at their former spouse; it's a common behaviour unfortunately.
Find out what info you can through the Family LawLINE (http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/help/...AdviceLine.php) and directly ask them about the possibility of an emergency custody order.

When two parents cannot amicably agree on custody and visitation, chances of joint custody are fairly slim. You have status quo which is important. Unless your ex was an involved father, it's more likely that you will get primary and he will get visitation that will need to be revisited when the child is old enough for school.

Sole custody is a term that is very misunderstood; it means that not only are the children with the primary parent more than 60% of the time, but it also means that the other parent has no say in the educational, religious, and medical decisions for their child(ren); this is not always awarded and is completely situational.

I can tell you that's the order I had for our 4 children due to my ex's behaviour after the separation AND because I had detailed information from making a journal of all contact, any visits etc etc. This allowed me to prove that he was not a very attentive father and didn't actually _do_ anything for his kids.

If you have joint bank accounts you need to get everything that you have going in there moved to your own account immediately. Any papers you have in the house which includes anything with his SIN, license plate information, banking information, you need to make copies as it will be needed once you have a child support order in place; the enforcement office can use that type of info if they have to chase him to pay up.

I can tell you, you can do this. Getting out of the relationship is the biggest step, the rest is your Mommy nature kicking in to protect your children.

[hollyquaiscer]

Please don't fall for the threats he is making to you. As Kraze said, "You can do this" It may be hard for you, but you are talking about the life of your children here. They have done nothing wrong and deserve every chance that life has to offer them. It' scary, but you CAN do it. Don't rely on your phone to keep your text messages from him either. Print them out and keep all the info you collect, such as bank account info, his SIN and car info in a file and keep the file at your parents house. If he was to find it, he would destroy it and you would have to start over. Did he ever work? It sounds like he has no job. Try and collect all the proof you can regarding your allegations, as the courts deal with facts and proof a lot better than the "He said, she said". The first thing you should do is apply for a temporary restraining order until you can get into court, and hopefully get supervised visitation for him. I wish you strength and the best of luck. Just remember the most important thing is to keep those children, and yourself safe. Don't fall for his threats and his trying to control you.

After he is done with his anger, he will go through the emotional stage and may even cry telling you how sorry it is and he won't ever do it again. Stay strong my dear. We are all here for you. I will pray for you and am wishing you the very best in your journey that you have ahead of you.

[saveadollardiva]

First off I am sorry you are going through this and your children. I think your b/f is just using what a call a scare phase so you will do what he says. You have rights as their mother. They will look at character. If you are the one paying the bills, the house is in your name, you have a job and of course your a good mom the judge will not take your children away. The only way a judge could do that to you if you were hurting the children physically and or emotionally. Which your not, your b/f is to your one daughter, by yelling and being rude. That is considered emotional abuse. I would seek legal aid and tell them everything. They will also look at the past file you and your b/f have. They will see his past track records. Just make sure you are strong not just for yourself but for your daughters. In the end it will work out. But just make sure you remain calm. Also, after you get a lawyer, if he contacts you in anyway, phone, email etc make sure you have them recorded and or save them. Give them to your lawyer and if he wants to talk, tell him to call your lawyer.

I wish the best of luck and have faith and be strong.

[flyingdutch]

Maybe see if a "women's shelter" or "women's organization" in your area offers free legal counselling (some do) or can put you in touch with a lawyer who would do your case at a lower cost/no cost. Doesn't hurt to ask and they may also be able to help put you in touch with additional resources. The more "support" you have the stronger you are and the more you are showing this guy that you're not backing down and will stand up for yourself and your children!

Best wishes. Sounds like you're on the right road and doing what you need to do! Hang in there.

thank you so much for your comments.
I do have some things from the past documented but not all. The police, victim services and the court counsellor all know of his threats to run with the baby. All I can do really is get a lawyer and hope for the best I think...

[sunny3]

First off, take a bow. It takes a whole lot of guts to do what you did.

I don't know a whole lot about family law and all that stuff but like the person above recommended, I would seek the advice of staff at a women's shelter since they know more about the ins and outs of harassment, threats... I believe there are two issues at play here: what he did to the kids, and what he's doing to you.

At this point, it may be worthwhile to look into re-arranging the ways he's allowed to communicate with you- a form other than through texting ie: leaving a message and you'll call him back... Document, document, document. Do not engage in debates with him and keep conversation to a minimum and only if required. An answering machine is always helpful. I don't know that you're allowed to (ask a lawyer) but a digital recorder and speaker phone are a way to keep tabs on threats and harrassment.

Ensure he doesn't have access to documents- children's ID. Store sensitive information outside your home (ie: parents home) or in a very hidden space. If you're concerned about your safety, a women's shelter can certainly help you with tips on how to be safe- restraining order or peace bond or something if needed, but even just that he can't drop by- schedule a time and have someone else there with you. Ensure the locks have all been changed, that he doesn't have access to your mail box (get a p.o. box if necessary or if you have a community mailbox, contact canada post for a lock change)... A shelter and lawyer can help you through what you can and are entitled to do for now. Sometimes shelters also offer support like going with you to a lawyer's office or helping you to prepare for what is going to come.

Financially, ask those questions too. Ask a shelter worker, lawyer but bankers can also be helpful too. If there was a joint account credit card, that needs to be addressed asap. There are certain parts of fincancial benefits that are specifically for kids so it's to go to whoever has them and at the moment that's you. Notify any necessary parties that you are "seperated", if you were listed as common-law.

I'm not clear but if one of the kids aren't his, I don't believe that child's custody would be in question.

If you have a neighbor or someone living nearby you truely trust- let them know what's going on. An extra set of eyes or pair of ears could be helpful. Gather all the support you need. If you have daycare, notify them of the situation. If you don't have daycare, you might be elegible for some subsidized day care even just a bit to allow you some extra free time to get the resources you require.

Don't be afraid to ask for any help you may require. Continue to make priorities and follow through with what needs to be done. Delegate some tasks if you have to, even if a parents or sibling can help.

I can't comment on if he has a chance or not to gain access to any custody or weekends or whatever. I know of a case where there was a flight risk suspected and passports and all documentation needed to get passports was removed from the parent deemed at high risk of parental abduction and he was reported to all boarder officials. You need not expect anything like that to happen but there's a program out there for kids to have info gathered on them in the event they get lost, abducted... Call your local police service and they would probably know what it's called. Child Find has "all about me ID kit" http://www.childfind.ca/safety.php but there may be other similar programs out there. They sometimes hold clinics in malls. I also know of a case where a parent bad-mouthed the other parent all the time to the kids and it went against him in a custody battle so be cautious about who's listening.

Take care

[avoncallingu]

Misstarbender! You should be proud of yourself for taking this step.

I don't live in BC and I don't know much about laws there.
Has he adopted your daughter? In Ontario, a parent cannot be denied access to a child unless there is a court order against it. Make sure anyone who takes care of your child/ren does not automatically allow him to "visit" unless they have contacted you and you know what is happening.

I do know that statistics say that "bullying" men increase their bullying when their partners start to show resistance to their bullying. So, Please, Please, Please, make sure you are safe - make sure someone consistantly knows where you are and at what time of the day.
I was told once that if you write something down, it has more "sway" in a legal situation than if you merely testify verbally to an occurance.
The faster you can record your recollections - the more accurate they will be, so please keep a daily if not more frequent record of your interactions with him.
Always make sure you have someone with you - preferably a male that he knows - when you see him. NEVER meet with him alone.
Change those locks! Make it impossible for him to communicate with you - change your telephone number - change your e-mail address - get off facebook. It's going to frustrate him.

Get rid of joint credit cards - move any money in joint accounts into an account in your name only.

I would go to the library and get a book that reinforces your idea that you CAN make your life work on your own and YOU DON'T NEED such a relationship. He's going to try to convince you that you can't live without him. When you start to think things weren't so bad - think about a specific incidence when he made you and/or your daughter feel AWFUL!

Statistics also say that it's VERY hard to leave a threatening relationship - it's scary - and lonely - and may seem like a "livable" alternative. Try to always think about something IN the relationship that was scary and lonely - I bet you have many examples.

Do something GOOD for yourself to reinforce what a very brave and GOOD thing you have done - your daughter will have a GREAT role model in you - a woman who stands up for the right thing for herself and her family!