advice help please!!!

[idonovan]

the fact that no one on here know me in person is why i need to share this. As some of you may know back in May my mom fell shattered her knee and was in recovory for almost 2 months and now she is home. I am very much worried for her. Some back story first: im 27 my mother has been an alcoholic most my life getting worce n worce over the years. She is also obese because of the drinking like almost 300 lb. She was abusive to me growing up and had 3 husbands 2 of witch she left cuz they were also abusive to me and her and one left her because of her adictions to the booze and everquest 2 (she ignored all other ppl except work cuz of this game) I had a horrid child hood cuz of this and things still hurt inside me. She missed a lot of my life growing up cuz of this ing game. Now im growin up and slowly i fogave her even though the pain is still in me it is something she will never understand and i cant talk to her about cuz one she dont belive me when i tell her about how much it effected me and some sertin sexual abuse things that happend with one of the ex husbands she dont belive eather and thinks i have active imagination. So ya slowley we were rebuilding a relationship and with the acident and her in the recovery place she quit drinking and smoking went from 300lb to 270lb. also this summer caused our relationship to blosom. When we were out shopping she misunderstood some stuff i said as being mean. she is very sensitive very angry person and holds things agents you for a long time. she wanted to borrow one of those store electic chairs and it was gone i told here hey walking is better anyway thinking of her knee that is still in recovory and then latter when she gave herself extra space to get out of her car and was grunting getting out i told her hey after you heal and lose more weight things will get better. She totaly missunderstood that as a shot at her and well is now very sad and mad at me and wont talk to me. Im worried not only about when she will get over this but her going back to drinking. usualy when she goes shopping she askes me if i want to go as we live so close and usualy do. Today she left on her own without telling me wont reply to my text's and i have such a bad feeling that she will use this as an excuse to drink. I have to admit if she goes back to it not only will hat cause me to loose all trust and faith in her but will probably destroy our relationship to a point that i will sever all contact with her and me and the husband will end up moving. so please help what to do what to say its very important for me.

[ColleenMGorecki]

l would say join Al-anon for starters. You are not the reason for her drinking she has to take that responsibility on herself. Get yourself and her into some consuling. You do it for yourself so you don't carry the burden on your self. You can send a letter in the mail and explain that you were not being mean to her and leave it at that. l will be thinking of you

[Lynn49]

You certainly have your hands full, and I can understand your frustration, Hon. She knows exactly what she's doing or going to do is wrong, she knows her weight is a problem and instead of dealing with it, her guilt is making her lash out at someone who is trying to help her. Even though your intentions with your encouragement were honourable, a person who has low self esteem will simply presume to be picked at...she plays the victim instead of facing her problems.
Nothing you say or do is driving her to pick up old habits, if that's what she intends to do; she's all grown up and knows right from wrong. If she chooses unwisely, it's her problem not yours. It seems self-esteem has been a problem for most of her life, judging by the men she chose and those vices like alcohol and food that she's become addicted to.
You're a good daughter who is trying to mend fences with your mother, but it takes two to come together, not just one. If she's unwilling to meet you half-way and continues to "walk away", you're left with continuing to try to fill the empty space between you two that she's continuing to make.
I don't know how long you intend to try to make up with her, but you have to take care of yourself and your relationship with your husband: he's your future. She's your past.
Personally I think you've gone far beyond anything I would have put up with, which probably makes you a better person than I am.
If she's not responding to your calls and texts, write her a letter explaining all the ways you've tried, without success, to become closer to her, and how she's pushed you away with her bitterness and anger. Tell her that you love her and only wanted to help her, so that she'd be in your lives for a long time to come. But even you have your breaking point, and you've reached it. Tell her that when she's prepared to believe that you love her and wants you to help her, she can call you any time.
But until then, you have your life and your own health to consider, and for now, have to move on.
If she really wants you in her life she'll do all that she can to bring you back to her.
If you don't hear from her, I don't think there's anyone anywhere who'd say you didn't do your best.
You did.
And that's something to be proud of.
I hope everything works out....but sometimes....it just doesn't.
Blessings, Lynn

[idonovan]

thanks guys really it helps also its not food that makes her fat odd i know but its the amount of booze and diabities. She helps me a lot in life also especialy that im in school but then the sensetive walk on egg shels around her and the anger gets too much at times. like ones she was mad at my sister for like 2 weeks cuz she mentioned to my mom something that mom did not like... and that was something to help mom not hurt her. Her 3rd hubby came into my life when i was about 11 or 12 and since then i considered him my dad hes awsome and we still stay in tuch it is just to bad she blames him for leaving and not herself. she does that because soon after he left she had helth issues with a lung collaps.

[avoncallingu]

Please believe that your mum's problems are her own. Don't feel guilty about her decisions. You have tried to re-connect with her. Sometimes, although it sounds strange, people who have only known abuse, have a hard time accepting positive things. She may be going through that feeling that she doesn't "deserve" to be treated well. But you must take care of your own health and well-being and that of your husband.

Try to look to the future of YOUR family. You've done a good job of trying to shed the negativity of HER family. Good luck and much supportive thoughts and prayers to you!

[MortgageQueen]

Ditto on what Lynn said. .. wise advice.

[Judstir]

I also agree with Lynn. It is not your fault that she drinks.