Am I a bad aunt?

[Kelly5]

This morning was my weekly coffee morning with my sister-in-laws and their children. We get together every Thursday morning. In general we usually go to one of their homes because they all have children. Today was the first time that they've all been to my home.

I do not have any children. My husband and I have just started trying, but we don't really have any toys or other things for children to do. I did go to the Dollarama and get a few things before they came to occupy them, but I assumed that the parents would bring some toys with them.

I don't have a ton of really nice stuff. My husband and I finished university not long ago, and most of our furniture it the best that we can afford, but is still the typical university style furniture.

As they walked in, my one nephew was eating a chocolate bar. It was melted all down his hands and arms and the front of his coat. The first thing he does is put his chocolatey hands on my white walls! His mother (one of my sister-in-laws) laughs and says, "isn't that cute, I love his little hands." I offer to put his coat in the washing machine while we're visiting, and then take him to wash his hands and wash the wall.

While I'm doing that one of my nieces runs up the stairs and picks up a souvenir that I brought back from a trip to Greece. She proceeds to throw it down the stairs. Now you're probably thinking, why didn't I move that souvenir or put it on a higher shelf? Well, my answer would be that the stairs lead to the master bedroom and ensuite bathroom and closet. It's our private space that guests don't go into. The main floor has the living room, kitchen, bathroom, etc. I moved items that I didn't want touched upstairs to protect them. I didn't think their parents would allow the children to go wherever they pleased.

At this point, my pottery souvenir from Greece is smashed, I have a brown spot on the wall, and they've only been in my home for 3 minutes!

It turns out that the parents did not bring any toys for their children, so they only have the few dollar store items to play with. They're bored within 10 minutes and then the tantrums begin. The 5 year old nephew picks up my dining room chair and hits it against the wall, breaking the leg. My two year old niece grabs the curtains and the entire window treatment falls on the floor. Fortunately she didn't get hurt, but the curtains are torn and stained. The two year old nephew (the one with the chocolate) picks up a cookie and crumbles it into the carpet. Finally, the baby that was just born knocks a coffee off the table and it stains the carpet (this one I'm not really angry about because he's a newborn and obviously didn't do it on purpose).

All the parents just sit there and keep talking like this is normal. I got really upset and told them all to leave. They proceeded to argue with me about being unfair and being a bad hostess.

Was it unfair of me to expect them to leave my home?

Since none of them called me by 2pm to apologize, I have since gone online to find out about cleaning my home and replacing the broken items. The souvenir from Greece is irreplaceable as I won't be returning there any time soon. The curtains will cost $300 to replace or $200 to repair. The chair will have to be replaced, and will cost $100. The stain on the wall is slowly coming off with the use of a magic eraser, and I have carpet cleaner for the coffee stain.

I have now called each parent to explain the costs associated with repairing my home. They believe it's my fault for not having enough toys to entertain their children. Apparently I should have ensured that my home was safe for their children, so it's my fault that I have dining room chairs, a wall, and carpet that can be ruined.

Am I really a bad aunt for not providing enough toys?

[thejetmama]

I have 3 kids, when I go to other people's homes that do not have kids I ensure they bring a couple of toys & books and a movie and explain to them that we are going to a house where there are no other kids so they need to ensure they bring something they want to keep them busy.
I would not expect my youngest sister, who has no kids, to provide my kids toys, you are a very nice aunt for doing so.
I am sorry that there was damage to your home, especially to your souvenir from Greece.

[Springbreeze]

Kids do get into things but its the parents job to be watching them and preventing them from ripping down your curtains and smashing your chair. They should also have to pay to replace/fix. I am a parent and when going to someone else's house it does not matter if they have children or not we always bring a toy or two of our own along with some favourite non messy snacks. Right now that is goldfish. My job as a parent does not get paused just because I am visiting and if my child is bored enough to start ripping down someone's curtains it is time to go. You were completely right to ask people to leave and I applaud you for doing so. And in response to your question, nope you are not a bad Aunt.

[francine1985]

no you are not a bad aunt. they are bad guests. they allowed their children to ruin your home and had a hissy fit when you asked them to leave... then had the nerve to blame you for their inability to parent their own children.i have 2 kids that like to get into everything and make messes. however they dont destroy things like that. the oldest will usually listen if i tell him something if not i (or dh) get up and deal with him. (this is both at home and out in public/visiting). our youngest is usually redirected or picked up and held as he is only 8 months.

sorry your family destroyed your stuff. i hope the parents do the right thing and pay for the damage.

[Darth Penguin]

Got to agree with the other ladies...You are not a bad aunt. They are ....inconsiderate parents since they expected you to babysit thier kids in your own home rather than parent them apprioately.

I also expect that the other mothers were clueless regarding the fact you didn't have a lot of toys and the like since i would imagine they normally visit other parents of similarily aged children who have all that stuff to hand.

In future I would politely decline hosting your family as you currently don't have the resources to entertain the children and politely point out how much damage the children caused should your SILs push the issue.

And like the other posters I used to carry toys and snacks in the car, just in case. Had I been visiting some-one I knew didn't have children, be it an aunt or a grand-mother, then I would have been setting down basic rules with my children regarding how to act and I would be stopping them acting up and bailing early if I had to to avoid any unpleasantness for my hostess.

[Minou]

Yikes! From now on, go to their houses!

I think this might be deliberate sabotage by the "older, wiser, more experienced" in-laws in order to stick it to you. They know to take toys with them. Parents also know that giving their child a messy (and sugar and caffeine-laden) chocolate bar in the car on the way for a visit (in the morning???) is asking for trouble. They also know that nobody's going to appreciate chocolatey hand prints on their walls. They didn't really expect that you'd have a bunch of toys there to entertain children of varying ages.

When my husband and I moved into our first home, we invited his cousin and his wife and their two small children over for a barbecue. We didn't even have much furniture at the time -- lliving room sofa was on order, we had a few chairs, and there was a sofa in the downstairs rec room. It was summer, though, so we had lawn chairs outside and a dining room table to eat at, along with some chairs in the living room. I did have some toys available, and I bought an inexpensive sippy cup for the 2-year-old boy, just in case the parents didn't bring one, though I assumed that they would. I even bought some presents for the kids to open, as the 5-year-old was about to start kindergarten. As it turned out, they DIDN'T bring anything for their children, and when I offered refreshments, they were annoyed that the sippy cup I'd bought for the two-year-old wasn't one with a valve. Who would expect a newly married couple to have a sippy cup in the first place?

My husband (who had been barbecuing outside with his male cousin) brought the steak in. The cousin's wife proceeded to complain that she liked her steak rare (Why hadn't my husband ASKED her?), and launched into a half-hour story about cooking meat to her tastes. Her husband had been standing next to my husband while the food was on the grill!

I kind of got the impression that they wanted to sabotage our attempts to entertain. They weren't invited back.

I wouldn't be asking them to pay for things, but I also wouldn't be inviting them back to my home. They're probably already gossiping about how "you can't handle kids", and pretending to be shocked that you would ask them to leave. I'm guessing they don't allow this behaviour at home.

[Darth Penguin]

As it turned out, they DIDN'T bring anything for their children, and when I offered refreshments, they were annoyed that the sippy cup I'd bought for the two-year-old wasn't one with a valve. Who would expect a newly married couple to have a sippy cup in the first place?

My husband (who had been barbecuing outside with his male cousin) brought the steak in. The cousin's wife proceeded to complain that she liked her steak rare (Why hadn't my husband ASKED her?), and launched into a half-hour story about cooking meat to her tastes. Her husband had been standing next to my husband while the food was on the grill!

I kind of got the impression that they wanted to sabotage our attempts to entertain. They weren't invited back.

shudders...how passive/aggressive of her..I'm not surprised they are on the Do Not Invite last.

[xox2010]

Honestly, they are in the wrong! I would send them a bill of all of the damages TBH. If they can't control their kids, then they should not be bringing them to other peoples homes. Who in their right mind thinks it's okay to let their kids ruin other peoples things?

[Decaf]

I will not invite them back...they are bad parents. It's unbelievable a 2 and 5 years old did so much damage to your house and the parents just sit there like nothing happened. If they can't control their children it's time to leave, whether it's in a store or someone else house. The children must learn that it's not okay to just grab anything and toss whenever they want without consequences. The issue here is lack of discipline from the parents.

[lghend]

OMG! I was outraged just reading that! What the hell kind of mother lets her child do things like that, esp. to someone else's property??? Good for you for booting them out. If they are actually able to justify not only their children's behaviour, but their own as well, I'd be done with them. I'm sorry, I am just flabbergasted at their audacity.

[gourmetsue]

I couldn't agree with Lghend more! This is ridiculous. I'd be appalled if someone came into my house and let their kids do that to my stuff. I guess it's obvious that we don't have kids. I'm easy going and will put on a dvd for kids that visit and play with them but I wouldn't be buying toys or special sippy cups just for that visit. As the parents they should be responsible for their children. Accidents happen, the hand prints I'd be able to get over but the other stuff I'd be p***ed about

If you went to their house and pulled the curtains down caused hundreds of dollars in damage and broke their irreplaceable things would it be allowable? Kids or not, they need to know they are in someone else's house and different rules apply.

[redfox]

kudoos to you for asking them to leave,,, dont be upset because i can bet they are not worried ,

[Shwa Girl]

No OP, you are not.

A friend invited another over + child. My friend has a small used piano, but loves it.
The child immediately went over to bang the piano. The keys were getting a little too much of a work out. The mother did nothing.

My friend went down to the child's level, looked the child in the eyes and told the child it is not nice to do that to someone's piano. The mother put the child's coat on and left in a huff.

[Aimz]

You are not a bad aunt, and shame on your guests for making you feel that way. Had I or any of my siblings acted in such a way when we were kids, my parents would have been horrified, taken control of the situation, and apologized to you before you could get in a word. They'd probably insist on paying for the damage as well.

I don't want to generalize (major pet peeve), but parents that allow their children to act up in public places/in the homes of other people need to learn the importance of disciplining their children. It's not a matter of "oh, kids will be kids." Yes, kids will be kids - you have to teach them what is right and what is wrong. If they are acting up, there should be consequences. Ugh, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And sorry that you've had to second-guess yourself.

[mandygeering]

wow I really hope Im not offending anyone when I say this but those kids sound like they need some serious discipline! I have 3 kids and they all know you treat other people and their possessions with the same respect you expect! They are all under 4 and they know this! I feel for you and give you props for keeping your cool while asking them to leave I may have gotten angry... at the parents for not speaking up!