I can't afford to even be invited to a wedding....

[couponmummy]

DH's and my family do not have a religion. All the nieces, nephews, cousins, etc who got married in the last ten years or so did not get married in a church. Let me tell you, DH has a big family. We live in Montreal and all of the weddings were scattered all over Ontario. They all had their weddings at some hotel/hall venue where you had to book a room for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It would cost us a couple of thousand dollars for the four of us to travel to Ontario, get new clothes because you don't want to wear the same clothes again but that's just us, pay for hotel, pay for food other than reception dinner like breakfast, lunch, dinner, etc. Bring a gift or envelope but an envelope is more appreciated. DH has to take time off. We have declined all invitations and never sent a gift.

When we are invited to anyone's house, our tradition is always to bring sweets like a box of chocolates. When you bring a dish to someone's house, after it's been eaten and the dish is washed, the host always puts a few candies in the empty dish to take home.

[VeeVee]

The nebulous European country I am from is Poland
This is also common practice with my Italian, Ukrainian & Russian Family/Social circles.

Traditions within Europe can also vary within the country as well, depending on the region/city you are from and the wealth of your family or 'class'
People from the country/rural/mountain areas will not have the same traditions as people from the city and vise versa

You mentioned you're of British decent, I am not surprised you haven't heard of it since your traditions are different from ours, so comparing would be like apples to oranges.

And I am first generation here as are many of the people I know.


Any further questions?

I am Serbian and it is the same with us as well. There isn't even a table or place to put gifts at most Serbian weddings just a card box...bc that is usually what ppl give.

[beckie.c]

I think I live in a totally different type of 'world' from a lot of people in this thread, but I'm going to comment anyways
In my super small saskatchewan home town, where my wedding was hosted, we had the most delicious under $20/plate Roast Beef supper. So, I guess having my guests "contribute" for thier plate isn't as a big of a deal compared to those who spend $120+/plate. That being said, I planned my wedding, within my budget, to accomodate the 200+ people I wanted to celebrate with under the assumption that this cost was totally on us, including alcohol as we didn't factor in making anything back at the toonie bar. I would have much rather had my friends/family show up empty handed and ready to party then feel like they couldn't come because they may not be able to bring a gift. Most still needed to pay for a hotel room, gas to drive to this small small town and the various other little expenses that come with going away for the weekend. Plus with lots of my family being single income parents with 4-5 childern, of course they are on budgets. For us, their presence was our gift, without all of them the day would not have been as special. My favorite part of weddings has always been reuniting with friends and family that you haven't seen for a long period of time. Besides, half of the gifts we did get are still sitting in the closet. Its not the stuff, it is the memories you make that are important. (Like making bouquets with my bridesmaids and dancing with my cousins, nephews, friends, hugging people you haven't seen in a long time and maybe even those you may lose soon after you wedding - love you grandma) Again, I'm comparing apples to oranges as we don't have family expectations/traditions similar to those of other cultures and the $$ difference is quite substantial.

OP, depending on how close this person is to you, they may rather have you come 'without something', then not come at all. I know I would have

[LuvToUseCoupons]

A true friend will want you to attend the wedding no matter how large or small your gift is. When I was married, I had a friend who was going to school at the time and could barely make ends meet. Her sister's wedding was a few weeks before mine and when I opened my friend's gift it was obvious it had been re-gifted from the prior event. (She accidentally left the card inside.) I quickly tucked the card away and have never told anyone about it until today. Never even mentioned it to my husband. The gift was a small serving dish and I use it to this day. She came to celebrate with us, gave what she was able to give and that is all that matters. At every wedding there will be gifts of all sizes. Gracious people don't 'keep track'....

Wow... DianneS you are truly a friend....
And you proved it by your action years ago.
Great job...I would love to think that's exactly what I would have done too.
Hats off to you

[lessthannat]

I have noticed that as well at many weddings (no place to even put a gift), they just have their Box/Cage whatever it is that they are using and people just drop in their envelopes

I am Serbian and it is the same with us as well. There isn't even a table or place to put gifts at most Serbian weddings just a card box...bc that is usually what ppl give.

[saveadollardiva]

I have noticed that as well at many weddings (no place to even put a gift), they just have their Box/Cage whatever it is that they are using and people just drop in their envelopes

Same at the weddings I have been to and what I had at my wedding. It's a culture thing. Not saying there is nothing wrong with giving a gift, but, every culture has their own gift giving ways.

[lessthannat]

Amen to that

To each their own as they say

Same at the weddings I have been to and what I had at my wedding. It's a culture thing. Not saying there is nothing wrong with giving a gift, but, every culture has their own gift giving ways.

[Ciel]

If you want to send a gift that is not money/cheque, the etiquette is usually to send it ahead of the wedding to the bride or to the groom, so they won't have to arrange for someone to organize the gift collection/drop-off at home during the reception. Not all wedding party members want to be "it" in having to load gifts into their vehicle and drop them off late at night at someone's home.

One good thing about gift registries is if the wedding couple gets gifts through the registries, all the items can be picked up in one trip at their convenience.

[Ciel]

People of Serbian heritage in Canada tend to still observe the custom of giving hosts gifts for dinner, especially if it's an important holiday or family patron saint day. There is sort of a potluck aspect to family gatherings in that if one family has visiting kin from the "old country" and the family invites other relatives and friends, the female relatives might bring baked treats to supplement the hostess' offerings that go with the usual roast meat/salad/side dishes at summer gatherings.

Had a chance in late 80s to encounter the engagement party "syndrome"-dinner hosts got gifts from my parents and I was stunned at the crystal/money/gifts given the wedding couple at the event. Our family did not know that gifts for the couple were expected. Usually at the bridal shower, household or jewellery gifts or money are given. The closer in relationship or friendship you are to the bride or groom, the more self-pressure applies to give something higher in value than you usually would give to a friend at their shower. So then, buying something from the china gift registry was probably a good route to go if you had no ideas of what might be appreciated or could not commit to high sum of cash.

[VeeVee]

People of Serbian heritage in Canada tend to still observe the custom of giving hosts gifts for dinner, especially if it's an important holiday or family patron saint day. There is sort of a potluck aspect to family gatherings in that if one family has visiting kin from the "old country" and the family invites other relatives and friends, the female relatives might bring baked treats to supplement the hostess' offerings that go with the usual roast meat/salad/side dishes at summer gatherings.

.

Very true. We consider it rude to actually go to someones house for slava (family patron saint day) and not bring something. Even though there will be tones of food (we Serbs love to eat! haha). At my upcoming bridal shower my mother has already gotten offers for the other woman to bring desserts....I think we are up to 20 different desserts now and we still have 8 months to go and haven't even sent invites yet. I can't imagine how the sweet table will look after 100 woman bring desserts haha

[nichols]

The reason we are getting married is to celebrate our love and our life together not for the gifts or the money. But again, that is just us.
.

I could not agree with you more! I am getting married in October, paying just over 52 for open bar and all (which was a lot for me to take in). Marriage is forever, not the wedding. I do not care about the gifts or the money! My sister-in-law was mad about guest not giving enough to cover their plate. Last week, I went to a wedding were my DF was a groomsmen. After 200 suit rental, we still had to cover the plate cost (since we knew the amount). 260 Dollars (130 each) later, we had one cold meal.

[nichols]

I abosutely hate this new trend. Jack and Jill so you can have a wedding you can't afford!!!

My DF was a groomsmen and had to "help" with this event recently. Luckily my soon to be FIL gave us some spending money - I used it for drink over their "fun" games. I did not spend a dime of my money.

I have some friends who were getting married, and they knew I was unemployed. They invited my family to their "bowling party" before the wedding... the kids were so excited! So I get there with a gift ($80 set of Tupperware that was free to me), and am greeted at the door with what now appears to be a fundraiser! No gift table, but a bunch of ticket tables, raffles, and a door fee (I had my grocery money on me, and still had to send hubby out for more just to get in). If my kids weren't there and so excited to play I would have just walked out. While I like the couple, they knew I didn't have the means to drop $70 just to go bowling. I had no idea that a "Jack and Jill" was code for wedding fundraiser. I find the consept of weddings as money makers crass.

[Shaykeija]

About 7 years ago, my niece got married. For her shower gift, I gave her a choice of a diamond and pearl necklace that I wore at my wedding. ( About 25 years ago, my husband paid over $5k for it.) or a pearl necklace designed by myself. She opted for the custom piece. So, I made the necklace using top grade, matching pearls, Platinum clasp, French wire ends. To buy in a store, I imagine the price then would have been in the 5 to 6 K range. I also designed and made the matching earring and bracelet. I mailed them to her and they sat in a the post office for almost 2 weeks. She said she was just to busy to go get them..Lazy was more like it. I had picked out a Bulova wall clock for her wedding gift. That was over 1K. It took her over 6 months to let me know that she liked them. For every month I waited, I down sized the wedding gift. I sent her a crystal desk clock. LOL Took her over a year to say thank you. I hate weddings, people are getting a little too greedy. I seldom go to wedding, buy always send a gift. Just in case you were wondering, my husband and I are both jewelers. ( Off topic, but I had a stroke 12 years ago, and we have no kids. My "loving niece and nephew" posted stickers on the stuff they wanted if I died..... gave me an incentive to outlive them all..lol) They can fight over the huge safe in the basement....I moved the contents, filled it with bricks, changed the combo and sealed it shut...with their damn post it stickers inside.

[TrueNorthTreasures]

My "loving niece and nephew" posted stickers on the stuff they wanted if I died..... gave me an incentive to outlive them all..lol) They can fight over the huge safe in the basement....I moved the contents, filled it with bricks, changed the combo and sealed it shut...with their damn post it stickers inside.

You. Are. Awesome!!

[electric_viking]

I think I live in a totally different type of 'world' from a lot of people in this thread, but I'm going to comment anyways
In my super small saskatchewan home town, where my wedding was hosted, we had the most delicious under $20/plate Roast Beef supper. So, I guess having my guests "contribute" for thier plate isn't as a big of a deal compared to those who spend $120+/plate. That being said, I planned my wedding, within my budget, to accomodate the 200+ people I wanted to celebrate with under the assumption that this cost was totally on us, including alcohol as we didn't factor in making anything back at the toonie bar. I would have much rather had my friends/family show up empty handed and ready to party then feel like they couldn't come because they may not be able to bring a gift. Most still needed to pay for a hotel room, gas to drive to this small small town and the various other little expenses that come with going away for the weekend. Plus with lots of my family being single income parents with 4-5 childern, of course they are on budgets. For us, their presence was our gift, without all of them the day would not have been as special. My favorite part of weddings has always been reuniting with friends and family that you haven't seen for a long period of time. Besides, half of the gifts we did get are still sitting in the closet. Its not the stuff, it is the memories you make that are important. (Like making bouquets with my bridesmaids and dancing with my cousins, nephews, friends, hugging people you haven't seen in a long time and maybe even those you may lose soon after you wedding - love you grandma) Again, I'm comparing apples to oranges as we don't have family expectations/traditions similar to those of other cultures and the $$ difference is quite substantial.

OP, depending on how close this person is to you, they may rather have you come 'without something', then not come at all. I know I would have

I agree with this. It should be about the people celebrating your day not the amount of money spent on your gift.
Also, if you decline prior to the plans being finalized, I don't feel a gift would be necessary. But if you cancel after plans have been finalized and the numbers set, then paying the cost of your plate should be offered to the bride and groom or whomever paid for the wedding.