Leaving your child to have a tantrum..on the mall floor

[Aimz]

OP, I don't think you're being judgmental. You can't get away from the fact that we live in society, and our actions are going to be judged by others. Parenting is not an easy job - no one said it was, and obviously parents have the right to decide how they want to discipline their children. Their decisions aren't always going to be right, necessarily. Walking away from your child, assuming the mother did indeed walk away without looking back or caring about her child's well-being is not the way to go about it, IMO. What exactly are you trying to teach your kid? Misbehave, and I'll abandon you? I would love to know what became of that situation, actually - I assume the mother returned or someone took the child to security?

Re: spanking. I'm not a parent, so in some people's opinion, I shouldn't get a say. Again, not really how society works - we're all entitled to an opinion. I think there are many ways to discipline a child - and spanking isn't the only one. Spanking has not been proven to result in more well-behaved kids. I think it does depend a lot on your kid's personality, as what works with one child might not work with another. I think modeling appropriate behaviour, using positive reinforcement, and outlining clear consequences is very important in raising children. This quote by Louis CK really makes you stop and think:

"I really think it's crazy, that we hit our kids, it really is. Here's the crazy thing about it, kids are the only people in the world, that you're allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They're the most vulnerable and they're the most destroyed by being hit, but it's totally okay to hit them. And they're the only ones! If you hit a dog, they f***ing will put you in jail for that sh**. You can't hit a person unless you can prove that they were trying to kill you, but a tiny little person with a head this big that trusts you implicitly? F*** them, who gives a sh**?"

[leavitts77]

do you think any of the behaviours these days and autism and other developmental issues have anything to do with the environment or what they put in our food or what they are feed the animals ? GMO 's ? Really modified corn to feed the cows, pigs and chickens ? Does this come into play ? I think this also plays into some of what goes on in this world . If you look at other cultures they have extremely low rates of cancers, autism , and other health issues. Just saying

[DaveP]

I'm not a parent, but my mom used to remove us from the mall or store or wherever and bring us outside to the car. I don't understand why people don't just leave the store or the mall etc when their kid is screaming and crying. Your mascara purchase can wait.

Yup. I'm the dad of 8 and have never had a kid go ballistic in a public place. Or anywhere else for that matter. I'm not an ogre or anything but they know from the time they're one that flipping out is not going to get them what they want. I never ever reward bad behaviour. That just encourages more bad behaviour. I reward good behaviour and never bad behaviour. A lot of parents (nobody here) just seem to not get that.

Edit: I have 4 teenage girls now, that's different. When they go nutty because of teen hormones or whatever, I just make myself scarce.

[i_forget]

I am going to admit that I have not read the rest of the comments, so I do not know what others have said.

Now, I have receive training in BEHAVIOUR, and I know the psychological reasons for why people act the way they do.
Because I have received this training, I deal with my children in a manner that is appropriate for their behaviour.

People may feel that it is not suitable to leave their children behind when they are having a fit, but in reality, people act the way they do for several reasons.

They are doing it for attention, revenge, inadequacy, or power.

I will admit that I have left my children and walked away. I have NEVER removed my attention from them, but I have pretended that I have ignored them because they are acting in a manner which is not appropriate.

There is always a reason for why we act the way we do....we alway have a feeling, and act in such a way to express our feelings, and children do the same thing. When we are able to recognize these feelings, we are able to deal with them in a manner which is appropriate for the feeling.

Example...I am busy on the phone, and my child is screaming at me. Why is he screaming???? Because I am not paying attention to him. How do I deal with this??? I ignore him. Why???? Because when I respond, I show the child that acting in an INAPPROPRIATE manner gives them a response, so they will always act in such a way to get a response. If I ignore them, they will learn that they need to alter their behaviour to get their needs fulfilled.

The same concept rings true for parents that hit their children.....how can you teach a child that hitting is wrong when you hit them???

We all have different parenting directions, but the fact is that when you feed into the reason why they are acting the way they are, you are simply supporting the behaviour and making it worse.
If I want attention, I am going to yell and scream, and if you acknowledge my screaming, I am going to yell louder....ignore me and I will second guess my approach...

[Chantel]

I would be able to understand the "I'm walking away now, I am not dealing with your tantrum" method so the kid sees that the parent is not going to be shaken by their screams, but walking out of sight is just not a smart move.

What if somebody grabbed her child? She would be so far away. Not good.

[saveadollardiva]

I am not a parent yet, but, I don't agree with just walking away and leaving your child on the ground:

1.) If your in a mall or busy area someone might trip on them or not see them and the child and or person might get hurt
2.) If you leave your child and don't look back at the right moment your child could be gone.
3.) Hello! GERMS! I don't want my kid laying down a dirty mall floor!

When I was a child and we went somewhere my parents would simple say before going into any shopping center or mall, : We are here to get "whatever we need to get at the time" and that's it. We are not here to get toys, games or anything else. If there is any problems with this we will go right home, understood?

My parents told me right away LOL. It was like a warning before going in. BUT usually I would see something anyways, never asked for it, but I would looked at it and my Dad would get the hint lol and would buy it for me anyways lol. My Mom got so mad all the time because of that lol. BUT as a child I knew that I was not going to get anything right off the bat. But also, I think we spoil our kids to much now. Like I know we all want to give our kids the things we didn't have but sometimes this can cause children to think they are going to get whatever they want no matter what. Even if they have to act out.

My Dad would give me an allowence as a little kid and if we ever went to the store he would give me like 2 dollars or something and say "now you have two dollars to spend, once it's gone there is no more money". It showed me that I can still get something but, once the money is gone I can not get anything until my next allowence.

I think maybe warning children first before going in can help and maybe giving them an allowence to spend when going to shopping centers can also help. But you have to show them as well at the same time that just because you go to a shopping center or mall doesn't mean you have to get something. When I wanted a toy and my Mom and Dad wouldn't give in, they would say to me "You have so many toys at home dear, but, you know what? we will go through your toys later and see the ones you don't play with anymore and donate them. Then when Chistmas time comes Santa will bring you so many more toys! Look at the toys here and remember the ones you want so Santa can bring them!"

This trick usually worked to lol. Now that I think of it my parents tricked me alot lol.

[MakaylaGreen]

I understand kids have tantrums and sometimes you just got to get something done so you "leave" them to sort themselves out..but most parents that i see do that are not more then 10 feet away and they can see there child and there child can see them.This women though was gone i am not at all kidding when i say there was 20 people that followed behind her in that direction so there was a wall of people between her and him.I am not a very tall person but my husband is well over 6 feet tall and he could see her walking until she vanished out of his sight..


Unsure what i should of done? maybe alert a security guard? Maybe i was alittle on edge because i just read the paper that morning about a sex offender on my street (not anymore after he tried to blow up his building) and then it dawned on me that those people do exist and they are in my town..me and my husband were discussing really how easy it would of been for somebody to scoop that child up and left and people walking passed would of though it was there parent pulling there crying child off the ground and leaving..that was the scary part how easy somebody could of took him.


Because where was she? way out of sight we could not see her anywhere and there was so many people blocking her from him.Her 5 year old daughter came back though we did see the little girl darting around people to come back to him and try and make him feel better so that he would go with her.


It was just to scary

[abbasgirl]

We all have different strategies for dealing with behaviours, but I think we all agree that leaving a child unattended in a busy mall is not the way to go.
I think I would have done the same thing you did, Makayla: just stood back and watched to make sure he reconnected with his family.

[Insane]

I can understand where you're coming from Francine (having to walk to the store and back) so I can see why you would continue to shop and I don't blame you one bit. Acceptance and understanding go a long way, parenting is no easy job, and I have had to learn to be more understanding.

When your child is having a meltdown in a public place you get 2 kinds of looks from people walking by. Those giving you the "been there, done that" look of sympathy and those giving you looks of disgust (from people who obviously haven't been there and done that!)

[DianneS]

When your child is having a meltdown in a public place you get 2 kinds of looks from people walking by. Those giving you the "been there, done that" look of sympathy and those giving you looks of disgust (from people who obviously haven't been there and done that!)

Actually, for the second group of people, unless they are childless, they have all been there and done that...they just have selective memories. Having a 20 YO and a 25 YO, I can say that the memories that tend to surface, or stay at the top of our minds, are the good ones. When people say "my kids never did that", I just roll my eyes....

[couponmamaof03]

My BIL use to do this when my niece was little (3yrs old), my sister saw him do this and she gave him a big lecture about keeping an eye on their DD, well one day he had her in the mall and again he was walking in front of my niece. My sister happened to be in the mall at the same time and she saw this, well she ran out of the store grabbed my niece and let my BIL keep walking. It took him two stores before he turned back to check on my niece and notice her missing!! He went running back to find her and there was my sister standing there holding her DD. Man did he get an ear full that day! but he never walked in front of her again, once he realized how fast a child could disappear.
I've seen parents walk away from their children in a mall, I usually watch the child until the parent comes back. I so don't agree with this practice.

[nainai0585]

Disclaimer: my opinion and my parenting style, if you disagree, that's fine but realize that I have success with what I am doing and will continue to follow through with the parenting style/consequences my children are use to and the consistant response they receive due to their behaviour.

Though I do not agree with the parenting walking out of sight from the child from what YOU could see, but unfortunately you are unaware whether or not the PARENT could see their child or if another adult who knows the child and is with the parent was within vacinity of the tantruming child. With that said, I have no problem what so ever to put my tantrum child on time out THE MOMENT the tantrum begins. I've done this is the isles of walmart, in the parking lot beside our car, in other people's homes, on the sidewalk, etc (I do remove them though from restaurants/quiet places out of respect for the other diners or patrons, but I do not take the child home. They are expected to calm themselves in an appropriate time for their age/temperment/the incident at hand, and then they are expected to rejoin who ever we are with and act appropriatly). I DO NOT tolerate innappropriate behaviour in anyway when out in public and will not give in to my child when they throw a tantrum b/c THEY want to leave or they do not like what I have said to them. I have walked away from my screaming toddler (always watching them and even walking backwards to keep an eye on them. NEVER with my back turned to them) when in stores or out in public to reinforce the fact that I will not tolerate their behaviour, but I have always stayed within eye sight of them at all times and 9/10 they get up and follow me (while still throwing a fit). Otherwise I pick them up if I am intending to leave the store.

If I am in public and my child needs a time out, I will not tolerate another parent telling me how to "handle" MY child (I have never had this happen in Canada though and do not make eye contact with people passing me by b/c I could really care less about what they think, they don't know me or my child or the issue at hand or what caused the issue). For example: I was on a family vacation this past April in Cuba with my husband, our 2 and 7 yr old, and our cousins and their 2 children. For whatever reason, just before dinner, our 2 yr old threw a fit and needed to be put on time out, which is exactly what I did on a bench outside of the restuarant. An older man caring a 2-4 yr old (could of been an older father/grandfather) was walking by on the side walk several feet from my screaming child and myself standing before him. He purposely walks over to us and begins talking to my toddler, this is how the conversation went:
Man - (stands beside me) ahhh, what's wrong little guy
Me - He is on time out, please don't speak or interact with him.
Man - (completely ignores me) Stop all that crying please
Me - PLEASE do NOT speak or interact with MY child, he is on time out.
Man - (Looks at me, scowls, then ignores me) You know, you should really stop crying
Me - (By this point I am VERY angry with this man, I stand directly in front of him so that he no longer can see my child and is looking right at me, and I raise my voice enough that people within immediate proximity to me can hear) This is now the 3rd time I have needed to tell you this. DO NOT speak or interact with MY child. He is on time out and needs to calm down and when HE is ready and then speak to ME about his behaviour. You need to mind your own business and DO NOT interact with my child.
At this point he is quite angry with me but luckily has the sense to walk away. Not 1 minute later, my son was able to rejoin our family for dinner and acted appropraitely for his age for the entire meal and the rest of the night.

My ADVICE FOR THOSE WITH CHILDREN/GRANDPARENTS/THOSE WITHOUT CHILDREN:
Unless you see the child in immediate danger due to parental negligence (such as the OP witnesses when the parent walked away out of sight), the parent beating or otherwise physcially harming the child, DO NOT get involved into their disciplinary actions, whether they are in public or in the privacy of their own home. What THEY DO may very well work for them and it is not your place to tell them how to parent/discipline/give consequences their child UNLESS the parent has specifically asked you. MYOB.

[Darth Penguin]

Actually, for the second group of people, unless they are childless, they have all been there and done that...they just have selective memories. Having a 20 YO and a 25 YO, I can say that the memories that tend to surface, or stay at the top of our minds, are the good ones. When people say "my kids never did that", I just roll my eyes....

ITA..eeven though the brood are 15, 12 and 8, those horrible memories of embarrassing breakdowns are really well buried now.

[Darth Penguin]

For those who think they weren't harmed by being spanked..

Children who are punished through pushing, shoving and slapping are more likely to be obese and have other health problems when they grow up, a new study suggests.
"This is one study that adds to a growing area of research that all has consistent findings that physical punishment is associated with negative mental and now physical (health) outcomes," said Tracie Afifi, who led the study at the University of Manitoba in Winnipeg, Canada.
Last year, she and her colleagues published findings linking hitting and slapping in childhood to a higher risk of depression and anxiety later in life.
For the current report, they re-analyzed data collected in 2004 and 2005 by United States Census interviewers, who surveyed more than 34,000 adults across the country.
Participants were asked whether their parents or other adults at home pushed, slapped, grabbed, shoved or hit them for punishment as a child. They also reported their current health conditions.
About 1,300 people reported being physically punished at least "sometimes" without more extreme physical or emotional abuse or neglect. Compared to people who weren't punished physically as children, they were more likely to have been diagnosed with at least one chronic health condition.
Specifically, those participants were 25 percent more likely to have arthritis and 28 percent more likely to have cardiovascular disease - though the second finding could have been due to chance, the researchers wrote Monday in Pediatrics.
More people who had been punished physically were obese: about 31 percent, versus 26 percent of those with no history of physical punishment.
Not every child who is slapped or pushed will develop mental or physical health problems, Afifi said.
But pain and inflammation from physical punishment, as well as psychological and behavioral responses to being hit, could lead to long-term problems for some children, she added.

[i_forget]

I was at the park the other day. The boys and I saw a bird that I had never seen before. It was like a crane, but small like a duck.
So the boys started asking me about it, what it was and such and some guy on a bench said what he thinks it is. I could not hear him so I moved closer to him and asked him to repeat himself.

My 6yo runs over beside me and looks at the guy and says "do not talk to my mom you stranger" (he is very protective of me). I said to him that the way he used his voice is not how we talk to other people (his tone was rude) and after I corrected my sons behaviour the man instantly turns to my son and very nastily says "you are an ignorant little boy".
I apologized to him and explained the reason for his inappropriate social response, then the man looks at him and says "I don't care, you are still an ignorant little boy". (For those that do not know, he has ASD, so he has very poor social skills which I am constantly working on....most people understand). Anyways, I turned to the man and told him that I corrected his behaviour as his tone was rude, he was not insulting to him so in actuality, he is the ignorant old man and I took back my apology and walked away.

This really made me mad. Who was that man to be nasty to my son twice after I corrected my sons behaviour and then I apologized? As we walked away, I explained to my son situations where we can talk to strangers and situations where we cannot so that he understands.

I really wish people would understand that criticizing, calling names and using violence is not the way to teach a child how to behave. They are children, and we as parents are their teachers. We need to teach them how to behave by modelling good behaviour so they can see it and by correcting bad behaviour through explaining it and giving them breaks when they are melting down. Criticizing them and calling them names only damages their self esteem, and hitting them only teaches them to fear their parents.