Pick your brain

[momof3heathens]

This post is going to be all over the place so please bare with me.

My dd19 has $8000 in student loans. She called crying because she failed yet another course. All classes she has tried this year she has either failed or quit before she could officially fail. She has extreme anxiety and depression which worsens each time she fails a class.

She quit in January with a mental health designation so her loan was on hold. She tried again this spring and failed her academic writing class.

Previously she barely passed her math and science courses after spending $100's on tutors, etc.

She is at the point that she doesn't want to keep at school if she keeps failing.

She isn't a top notch student obviously but she did ok in high school finishing a semester before her peers(not because she a great student but because she just wanted so badly to get out of there). I've spoken previously to her school counsellors who admit that she got lost between the cracks of the system in that she didn't qualify for extra support because her grades weren't low enough and she wasn't skipping and hanging with the wrong crowd, etc...

I guess my question is what should or shouldn't I say to her? Do i encourage her to stick it out and see her succeed or fail yet again and owe more and feel worse about herself? Or support her decision to quit and just pay back her loans and just give up on the school idea period. She says she is just too stupid.

[iheartcoupons]

I'd say encourage her to stick it out, but maybe at a less stressful pace. Maybe just a couple of courses at once, until she gains confidence, or maybe some correspondence courses?

Did she have the right tutors?

If she has anxiety, is it the timed exams/midterms that adds extra stress?

If she has a mental health designation, shouldn't she be given some academic support by the school in terms of modifications or accomodations? Like more time for exams, etc. Now her grades are low enough that she should get some support.

If she decides to quit, make sure to constantly remind her that she's not stupid. And that the quitting is just a very temporary thing. That it's just a break to decompress after all the stress.

Do you think she's in the right field? Maybe a switch to another faculty or department?

[momof3heathens]

She has switched and only took one class this spring. It's pretty much a farce in terms of actually getting extra help even with the medical diagnoses at this campus. Technically when you write your final you are finished so not considered a student so therefore aren't entitled to educational counselling services.

[abbasgirl]

I think at this point, she's going to continue failing in that environment because she believes that she's a failure. So it's probably best to get her out of there and, if possible, into an environment where she feels successful so she can build up her confidence again. She needs support, but I don't think tutoring so much as a counselor who can help her to work through what she is believing and saying about herself. Quitting now doesn't mean giving up forever. She just needs to take a step back and find a different approach.

[MortgageQueen]

Can she take a break this summer and get some "cognitive therapy"? I believe this therapy would help her a lot. Has she been evaluated with an anxiety disorder? Sometimes temporary medication can help get back on track.
I certainly feel for her . . poor thing. Having that loan hanging over her is likely perpetuating the cycle.

[walkonby]

I wish I had more concrete advice to offer instead of simply understanding how you feel as a parent and warm hugs for the both of you. Is it University or a College she is at? One of my DS's did not fare well at University, but did very well in College, perhaps changing her choice of where she gets her post secondary study might help?

[Natalka]

If she thinks it's time to quit, support her on doing that. No sense her going through all this without her feeling any semblance of hope or positivity at all.

I totally agree with what abbasgirl said above. Time for her to re-evaluate and try something different.

Wishing her luck.

[bargain_hunter_lola]

I agree with the other posters who have said support her decision. I wouldn't necessarily call it quitting, more like re-evaluating. Is it the program she's in or the school? Maybe she would do better in a difference environment or program.

There's no sense her continuing on the same path if she has it in her head she can't do it and is miserable, the loans will just keep increasing and causing more stress.

Perhaps she can work for awhile while she figures things out, or if money permits volunteer or take elective courses at a community college to find out what interests her and what's she's good at.

Good luck, wishing her all the best!




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[maggiespice]

My DS ended up leaving in the first term second year of college. He did just excellent the first year, but it was too late to switch his courses the second year around. He is now returning this fall and taking something a little different, yet still continuing on in the same field. He is super excited and is looking forward to finishing up what he started.

Sometimes our kids think they know what they want to do, but just in the middle of it all, life changes, life happens, and things can go very different from what they had planned. It is good when they can somehow get back on track, and keep going, as this is what growing up and learning to stand on their own two feet is all about.

[anisa]

If letting her formal education sit on the back burner for a while while she explores other things and "finds" herself is what she wants to do then encourage her all the way.
The loan can be paid off, it is only money (in the larger scheme).

I left college after a couple of years, a nervous wreck, depressed and hitting bottom, hard. I was a smart kid, but I needed to find myself. It wasn't about not being able to learn, or not wanting to learn. There were so many factors and my life wasn't in my own control. I had to leave.

It was the best thing to happen to me. I eventually found myself. It took a few years but I finally came to a good place.

The best thing you can do is give her your total support, no matter which path she takes. Honestly, how many people have we all known who have graduated with a degree only to find themselves in second and third careers in the years after. Her formal education isn't her last chance of supporting herself through life, and if she isn't in the best headspace, she will have a very hard time no matter what she pursues. Even if the next step looks as though it isn't a forward-moving one, the best thing for her might be to just step back and find her grounding right now.

Leaving college saved me, that I am absolutely sure of.
Your daughter might take a 1 year break, or even longer. Supporting her will carry her in ways you may not even realize. She isn't stupid, she just needs to find her strengths, and acknowledge her weaknesses. It can be a slow process, but don't let her be discouraged.

[momof3heathens]

She has decided to not return in fall until she has figured her stuff out.

[Lynn49]

All good advice from everyone regarding taking a break and re-evaluating. However, on a cautionary note, this isn't a time to simply bide her time, and just hang with friends all the time.

Does she have a part-time job? Not full-time, she needs some downtime, but she also has to take some financial responsibility for her loans.

She needs to understand that this is a time of re-evaluating her academic choices....if she was taking courses in her areas of interest, she'd be more likely to be successful. Is she being pressured to "get a university degree"? Those degrees may not be as necessary to success as a good college certificate in a field she enjoys. She needs to find her own interests....it's her life, ultimately, and as much as we all want the best for our kids, some of them just gave to do it their way.
Ask me how I know! Lol!

Good luck to her!

[anisa]

^ absolutely!

One thing that helped me much was that I had somehow fallen into a job that really tested my personal boundaries some time before I left college. I stayed with that company from the ages of 18 to 27, where the only reason I left was because I was moving cross country. I went from being shy and insecure to having the owner willing to fly me cross country every 2 weeks for a few months just because they didn't have anyone in 3 branches, and 2 provinces, to take my place. Over the years my confidence and sense of self worth had grown immensely. I 'found myself' in part from the work environment I was in.

I was the worst nightmare of parents who demanded nothing short of excellence. If I could somehow become a functioning, flourishing adult out of a mess of fear and insecurities, anyone can lol.

[abbasgirl]

I was under the impression that she was paying back her own loans. Was I wrong about that?
It's tough to be in debt, but in her case, it may be her salvation. Depression and anxiety will make her want to hide, but having responsibility, as long as you watch her to make sure it isn't too much for her, will force her to keep from shutting down and withdrawing from the world.