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Wed, Sep 2nd, 2015, 05:51 PM #16
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Wed, Sep 2nd, 2015, 06:05 PM #17
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Wed, Sep 2nd, 2015, 06:07 PM #18
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I rest my case on this topic.....30yrs old and already married twice. Why bother again, because 3rd time is the charm? Young people getting married / having kids because they think it makes them mature / grown up. Infatuation needs to be separated from common sense. They are "going to remain friends", which means they will still bang each other now and again i.e. friends with benefits
http://www.cbc.ca/news/arts/avril-la...ends-1.3213257
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Wed, Sep 2nd, 2015, 06:38 PM #19
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Last edited by lecale; Wed, Sep 2nd, 2015 at 06:52 PM.
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Wed, Sep 2nd, 2015, 06:46 PM #20
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you cant lump marriage as a whole into this sort of negative thing... you can't judge marriage as a concept by all the negatives you hear.. it solidly depends on the people within the marriage that make up quality the marriage. not all young marriages fail. i personally married young-heck he was my highschool prom date!, and we've just passed our 11th year married(my parents marriage is similar, both met in highschool, married young still happily married) Marriage is work! it's filled with ups and downs, sometimes one person pulls more of the weight while other times the other person picks up the slack it's about being supportive of the other person and them being supportive of you and working together through the easy and hard times. Sometimes it means having to put the other person first.
BOTH people have to be willing to put in effort to make it successful.. it's about working together and finding a balance that works best for the couple (what works for 1 couple may not work for another) you each take on your own jobs within the marriage (who maintains what within the household, who maintains the bills, who does the grocery shopping, who is the main caretaker of children-if there are any)
i personally would never want to be single again, i find security in marriage and i find that people respect the relationship more when you say we're married (vrs we're dating.. i have common law friends who say they are married for this exact reason) i'd never give up being married for being single/dating/living common law (though there's nothing wrong with those options if those are your choice)
marriage is a choice just like everything else in life..When life hands you Edward Cullen...throw him back and demand Eric Northman....
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Wed, Sep 2nd, 2015, 08:53 PM #21
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Main caretaker of the children...please tell me that you are kidding me here? This is not 1800s, and this comes across as you trying to say Mom knows best when in fact these days most young mothers are quick to go dump kids with grandparents while they go on vacation / cruise/clubs. I mean would you sign up for your husband to stay home, while you go work?
I have always been a part of my son's life, and I'll hate to be considered as "not the main caretaker". It takes two people to have a kid, and 2 to raise the child. This is the problem with family court where they are quick to award custody to the mother even if she is incompetent (which quite a few are today). Having played with dolls doesn't mean someone is going to grow up and be a good mother.
You might not want to be single again, but the decision to split is not something you will have control over...ask a lot of divorce / split couples. Oh...11 years married these days isn't exactly "long term". You hear of people splitting after 20/30/40 years
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Wed, Sep 2nd, 2015, 09:20 PM #22
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I wasn't going to jump in here, but what the heck. Here goes.
Everyone is different.
When I was in high-school, I wasn't attracted to the best looking guys around (although my now Hubby was pretty darn good looking)...not the "studs" as we used to call them. I looked for intellect. A sense of humour. A good guy. Nowadays it seems as if it's all about the boody, the boobs, the hair, the facial hair, that stupid smirk guys have to slap on their faces whenever their picture is taken...the tensor-wrapped bodies...advertising and rag magazines have hyped up the looks department without, it seems giving any thought to the character of that person. "Oh, they looked so happy on that really expensive beach hide-away (which wasn't one at all, or they wouldn't have the photo!)..must be love!" tout the rags. Sure. For how long? On to the next bed! Then the next! Because it's all about sex, hot bodies and this is what our young men and women expect out of each other! I shudder when I think of the pre-teens these days (Gosh I sound like an old lady! Oh, wait...I am!), reading those magazines, looking at those photos....Maybe there were things wrong with "the olden days", but holding hands was a WOW back then, no one had to jump into bed to be "loved"...
I might have gone off topic here, but you did mention that it's about the sex, and you're right! It is. But that doesn't make for lasting relationships.
I picked my guy in highschool and we dated for 5 years, and have been married for 45 this past June. I guess my standards were different from what they are these days, and maybe even from what some of my friends had back then, but lumping everyone into bad marriages just isn't right. There ARE good marriages out there and I happen to be in one of the best, as are other gals on here. Do we each get our fair "share" every single day? Heck no! Some days I'm wallowing in self-pity over my accidental fall last year that I'm still struggling with, as he picks up the chores around here (as he's done for the past year!) and other days I feel I just want to spoil him to crazies because we both deserve to be treated with the same respect, love, care and loyalty. Did we get pudgy into our "golden years"? Heck yes! Do we care? Heck no! Except as it may affect our health, we're pretty pleased with each other. Neither has "let themselves go", and anyone who does, whether in a marriage or not, well....that's them, and this is me. I never would. The thing is, there isn't a scale or rating system in good marriages where each partner keeps track of how much or how little attention they received that day or that week or month. In a good marriage, keeping track never occurs to us/them. Maybe those partners who do try to keep score ought not to be married. They need to grow up a little, find themselves and not put their worth into someone else's hands.
It's not marriage that's the bad guy here. It's the partners in that marriage who make things go bad.
It's the people, not the institution. (And yes, I've heard the joke, "but who wants to be in an institution?"...). It's the people involved who may not be evolved enough to understand the true meaning of what love and marriage exactly are and what they are not.
You're divorced, you're doing your best by your son, and perhaps you're hurting right now, but I hope that one day you'll find someone who doesn't keep count, doesn't keep track, who treats you like you're the most wonderful person in the world, and who becomes your very best friend, and who just may be worth hanging around with for the rest of your life.
{{{stepping very carefully off my soap-box}}}
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Wed, Sep 2nd, 2015, 09:37 PM #23
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If we are being honest here, young women seem to have the Utopian dream i.e. happily ever after, the picture you painted above, cottage, nice car, good looking guy (to get them likes on Facebook), than young men do. It's always about one-upping their friends. Oh, and the way people just give it up these days on first dates..not that anyone will complain when that happens, but I have been shocked at how easy it is.
Am in my early 40s, and my mind is made up that I don't want to get married again. I narrowly escaped with not paying alimony or having my pension split. I know a lot of men that aren't so lucky, and at my age am not about to take on some other person's kids (for the scare of being dinged with double dip child support), or the drama if they are girls. I am enjoying having the "friends with benefits now, and ideally a companion will be the ideal wish, where we can do stuff together, but retreat to our individual abodes.
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Wed, Sep 2nd, 2015, 11:00 PM #24
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maybe main caretaker was the wrong word... primary caretaker? the one who's the first name on the in case of emergency call at the school. the one who is most likely to take the day off work when the kids are sick, bring the kid to the dentist, pick them up from school, talk to the teachers, take to classes/courses/clubs, think ahead to get the school supplies and the new shoes... it does not mean that parenting is a 1 person job and 1 person does 90% of the work while the other one is just there... it just means that in the balance of home life that one parent is more active in the day to day stuff (though i'm sure you won't agree with me on this concept but as a parent i see this balance every day in almost every household of my daughter's friends) this person could be the father or the mother, i have seen it both ways and i have zero issues if the father is a primary caregiver and stays home with children while the mother goes to work full time.. i know more then 1 father who is the primary caretaker of the children where the female is the significant financial earner in the household...
i for one have NEVER dumped my child on the grandparents to go on vacation/cruises/clubs(until recently they were a 4 hour plane ride away, now they are a 3.5hr drive away) i will go out of my way for my child to create memories with her grandparents and allowing the grandparents to create a bond with their grandchild-i will never hold my child back from them if they wish to do special things with her.. i believe grandparents hold an important role in a child's life just like any other family member
you may not agree with me but i personally i do consider 11 years married and 15 years together a "long term" considering it's nearly half my life spent with the same person it's quite a long term investment of my life (i could be wrong but i think it most places a marriage lasting 10 or more years is considered long term) and yes you hear people who split after all sorts of years but that doesn't mean all marriages will fail and i'm wasting my time being legally bound to the person i chose.. there are all sorts of reasoning's for divorce but many of them could probably be prevented if the two within the marriage are willing to work on it (as i said before marriage is work and you both need to be willing to put in the effort or else it may fail)
if being single and having "friends with benefits" works for you thats great... but that doesn't mean it's the only way to live and how everyone else choosing to run their life is wrong.. thats the great thing about Canada i guess...we can choose to be married, be single, live common law whichever works for usWhen life hands you Edward Cullen...throw him back and demand Eric Northman....
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Wed, Sep 2nd, 2015, 11:18 PM #25
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Wow. I wouldn't want to meet the gals who've given you that impression. AMOF, anyone that shallow deserves what she gets if she's only trying to one-up so-called friends.
Utopia? Sure, what's wrong with a little utopia? If we don't dream, then it'll never happen.
"Thoughts are things." Think negatively, that's what someone will get. Believe positive things will happen, and they will. There'll be bumps along the road, big ones, and we've had them, but we've stuck together not pulled apart. That's the difference between wanting something and working for something.
Anyway...I hope you find a 'forever friend with benefits'...
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Thu, Sep 3rd, 2015, 06:45 AM #26
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You still can't see the problem here? What you are saying subliminally here is that you are owner of the kid is essence, and you spouse is just a sperm donor. Why not put his name as the "primary"? I'll personal flip if that was me, and there was no such nonsense when I was married, which helped during the divorce because I was able to prove that nobody was the "primary caregiver".
I equally took our son to activities, knew his teachers names, his friends, doctor that delivered him, dentist and even took him on vacation alone. Now I know this might not sound like the average man, but am not the type to put friends before a child, or go hangout at a bar / Timmies / wherever talking crap when can be spending that time with my son.
Again....you are pretty much saying the child is yours, and that you are a better parent. That might be the case as I don't know your spouse. But there are a lot of us dads out there that have a better clue than some Moms, just because of the way we were raised from a different era / culture
Last edited by beachdown; Thu, Sep 3rd, 2015 at 06:49 AM.
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Thu, Sep 3rd, 2015, 06:48 AM #27
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As someone that has been through the family court system
Short term marriage - 10
mid term marriage - 11 to 19 yrs
long term - 20+
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Thu, Sep 3rd, 2015, 09:17 AM #28
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Thu, Sep 3rd, 2015, 02:22 PM #29
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Lecale, you don't have to respond to name-calling.
This should stop right now.
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Thu, Sep 3rd, 2015, 02:32 PM #30
Beachdown. . . wow. . .I don't know what kind of people you know, but yes! of course there's tons of people that date/marry people that don't match them in "looks". In fact, I avoided great looking guys on purpose when I was dating. I know it seems a little unfair or discriminatory, buy they were more often than not, "into themselves" Yuck.
When I met my husband, I was modelling. He was average looking at best. I totally fell in love with him for his wonderful personality. My preference in men were tall and dark. I married a blue-eyed blond. My family teased me for years! Lol
Men are much more focussed on looks than women are. But focussing on looks is such a huge mistake and likely why we have so much divorce.
Advice to anyone dating: Avoid all contact with anyone that is remotely like those people on dating shows. Sheesh!! Hang out with people that at least have a little self respect and enough depth to find a mate off screen.
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