When someone passes away, say SOMETHING! :)

[Zonny]

Hi all!

I hope that this won't be taken the wrong way. I'm not trying to make anyone here feel bad.

I just wanted to comment on a situation in our lives right now, and am hoping that I can help someone to do the right thing when this happens to someone in their lives.

On February 14th, my DH's father passed away. It was not unexpected; he was 87 and had been in a nursing home for a year and a half, his health was failing in recent months. We got a call a few days before our arrival (which had been planned several weeks before) to say that he was in a bad way.

Thankfully, he passed away while we were there, surrounded by his wife and most of his children. We stayed with his family in PEI for nearly a week, saw the wakes and funeral through.

When we got back to work this week, most people at DH's work knew what had happened. We were sad when we got back, but when DH went back to work he felt worse. Nearly no one extended any condolences to him on the loss of his father. It saddened him; since no one said anything, he felt like no one cared.

The people I work with are a bit older and mostly women, and would have given us cards, had they known. Unfortunately the managers at my work that I called with the news, they didn't share the information with my coworkers, so they just didn't know. They felt terrible, said how sorry they were.

I suspect that the reaction at DH's work is largely because of our age. DH is only 39, rather young to be losing a parent (he's the baby). So maybe people his age just haven't been through this before, maybe they just don't know what to say, or afraid that they will say the wrong thing, so they don't say anything.

I don't know. I'm new to this myself, I haven't been through this before either, I'm a year younger than he is. But as I go through this with DH, I realize that saying nothing can be hurtful, I think much more so than saying what you think is the wrong thing I think.

In a nutshell, I guess I just want to tell people, even if you don't know what to say, say SOMETHING. Simply say, "I'm sorry for your loss." Send an email to say you're thinking of them. Any little words that you can find are comforting. It doesn't matter how small.

Even a card from the dollar store is fine, just to say that you're thinking of the person who has experienced a loss. Maybe people don't think that a card means anything at all and will be lost in the pile, but really, it does mean a lot! It doesn't matter where the card comes from, it doesn't matter how many other cards have been sent, it's the thought behind it that makes people feel better.

Loss of your family members is really hard, but made easier by compassion by those who know you, and even by those who don't know you well. It helps to know that people care.

Z

[Abby5]

Thank you for sharing your story. I always send something and my DH always says I should not have-that people want to be left alone. I am glad you are speaking up. And I am sorry for your families loss.

[Judstir]

Same here....so sorry for your loss....but I agree...saying nothing really isn't good. Try to say some little sorry or a gentle pat on the back or hug.

[Litesandsirens911]

I completely agree..I have even sent cards to my DH's co-workers wife whom I only know casually on the passing of her Grandmother...though I personally never knew her, it at least acknowledges that we heard about it and we care enough to send our condolences...

[VeeVee]

I agree as well. Saying nothing only makes it more awkward for everyone.
I am sorry for your loss, glad your FIL was surrounded by loved ones.

[terryberry]

I'm sorry for your loss! I've personally experienced this three times: once with our stillborn son, my father and recently my younger sister. I think people just don't know what to say, so they say nothing. I agree with you that saying anything would be so much better, hugs are even better but that depends on the relationship.

[SarahS83]

I'm sorry for your loss. In my experience people feel awkward and are scared of saying the wrong thing. When my dad died it was a big deal in our little community and I found people crossed the street rather than talk to us.

[Mia001]

i`m sorry for your loss and thank you so much for your witness

[jaba]

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your FIL Zonny. I agree people are afraid to say the wrong thing, but also at the same time I know every kind word helps when there is a loss.

[anisa]

thank you for sharing your story.
i'm one of those ppl that's terrified of saying anything, because i don't know what to say.

[tidytaurus]

First of all Zonny I am so very sorry for you and your families loss. I just don't understand why you and your dh's workplace were so unfeeling even if they all just signed a card and left it for you would have been better than the quiet treatment.

[thecountess]

My condolences Zonny

[orv]

wow that is so sad.. im so sorry for you and your DH loss.

[Zonny]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. It was an overwhelming week (and I really don't want to see sandwiches for a long time - OMG, EVERYONE brought food!). We really are OK, we're getting through. We were just a bit perplexed by people saying nothing.

Z

[Woofy]

Hi, Zonny. I am sorry for your loss! Take care of yourself!