When someone passes away, say SOMETHING! :)

[Natalka]

Zonny, condolences upon your loss - and I must say you have explained things well...

"I suspect that the reaction at DH's work is largely because of our age. DH is only 39, rather young to be losing a parent (he's the baby). So maybe people his age just haven't been through this before, maybe they just don't know what to say, or afraid that they will say the wrong thing, so they don't say anything.
I don't know. I'm new to this myself, I haven't been through this before either, I'm a year younger than he is. But as I go through this with DH, I realize that saying nothing can be hurtful, I think much more so than saying what you think is the wrong thing I think." (I just wanted to quote a part....)

- I went through this as my dad died when I was 26, my mom when I was 35. Yes, some of my peers didn't know what to say/do - others maybe from more 'old fashioned' or traditional homes, did - they sent a card, phoned, came over, sent food, sent flowers - depending on the relationship with me, how close a friend, or co-workers. I'm the fifth of six kids, so there were differences in how our friends and co-workers dealt with things.
I totally agree that saying/writing something is definitely better than nothing - any words at all. Yes, it can be awkward, but just for someone to say/write "I'm so sorry" is enough!
Big hug for you, and you pass one along to your husband...

[ccmp1974]

So sorry for you loss.Often times I can not bring myself to say anything but I always give a big hug.Take Care.

[madchives]

hi zonny:
i'm so sorry to hear/see of your father in laws death,,,,but,,,,,,,,
i personally don't think the management at either of your work places, handled
the passing of your father in law, too well.
it was them that knew, and did nothing, either to notify the staff, or (as they
should), do SOMETHING.
a couple of cards, signed by the people you both work with, for example.
as for the idea, it's because of your age, that shouldn't be part of the reason,
that these people didn't know to buy a card at least.
maybe now it's getting hard for the people who wanted to say something
to do that,,,,,,
if either of you have a friend at work, (hoping this doesn't seem stupid),
maybe a notice of a donation in your father in laws name, for a local
charity?
might help to break the ice,,,, zonny

[jessandjake2005]

I'm sorry for you and your husband's loss. I too am afraid to say the wrong thing when something like this happens, I guess because I haven't really been through losing anyone close to me yet. I remember a few years ago a lady I worked with in her 50s lost her dad and I wanted to say something to her but was afraid that I would upset her all over again and make her cry at work. I felt bad for her but I couldn't think of the right words at the time.

[mcminsen]

My condolences. Dealing with someone who's had a loss can be a great equalizer. After I lost my partner, one of the best interactions I had was with my sister-in-law's mentally handicapped sister. She just came right up to me and gave me a big hug and said she was sad. When she asked me if I was okay I said that the hug she gave me made me feel better. So then she gave me another hug. And then some other people who are mature and intelligent and pillars of the community completely avoided me or said absurd things. I didn't even try to figure it out.

And I know people mean well when they say to someone who's just had a loss "Give me a call" or "Keep in touch" or "send me an email"... but the person may be overwhelmed. So, offer to be the one to keep in touch. You could say "May I give you a call or send an email in a little while?". It's very helpful.

[Littlemoe0]

I am so sorry to hear of your families loss.

[pac182]

Sorry to hear about your loss. See the problem is that eveyone deals with death differently. Not everyone wants the cards/ flowers /sorry to hear about your loss stuff. Some people go to work to get out of the house and try to forget about the sadness. So unless you are close with someone or they personal mention the death to you its hard to know the right thing to say / do to for them.

[itsjustmebub]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I agree with you, it's better to say SOMETHING - whatever that may be, even if it's awkward and all jumbled it's still better than ignorning it as if it never happened.

[JumboShrimp]

Zonny... my condolences to you and your family.

I guess I am in the minority here as I would prefer that people left me alone. I agree with pac182. Everybody deals with death differently. I personally would not like to be pestered by strangers or mere acquaintances with something so personal. It's already hard enough dealing with the loss itself, I don't want to have to also deal with cards / flowers / food / phone calls / e-mails / visits / people constantly reminding me of it and thus making it worse. I guess I am just a very private person. I need peace to work things through on my own. So I guess it's very hard to know what to do for someone who has had a loss unless you are very close to them.

[blackpup]

I'm so sorry for your loss Zonny.

I'm in the minority too. My mom passed when I was 26 too and my dad when I was 31. Mom's passing was really unexpected (she was 48) and it took over a week to do the services. I also took her passing really hard & took an extra 2 weeks off of work. When I returned, the employees had signed a card...not for sympathy or condolences, but a get well soon card. I also kept getting I'm sorrys form anyone & everyone. I really wanted to run & hide under a rock. I knew these people meant well, but we had over a week to hear these things when we were waiting for the services to be done. I was upset that they had not *thought* about it earlier, and the belated wishes were just not helping me out with the grief. So, I get why some people wont speak up when a tragedy happens.

[winston]

I am sorry for your families loss. It is always hard to lose a parent no matter what the age. Thankyou for sharing your story. I too felt that way when my Dad died but I also know how hard it is to find the words to say. Cards are a way of expressing our sympathy and they are a comfort. Take care.

[DiamondLil]

My condolences to you and your dh Zonny. (((hugs)))

[dealsniffer]

so sorry to hear your DH lost his dad and you lost your father in law. I totally agree that people should say something even if it is that they don't know what to say but that they care or they are sorry for the loss.

[laurac86]

Thanks for sharing your story. I agree, in this type of situation everyone needs support, however it can be given (a few words here and there, a hug, etc). These little things can give people that boost of strength they need to make it through.

My condolences to you and your family.

[Lynn49]

I'm sorry to hear of your and your husband's loss. Many wise words have been written by other posters here, so there's really nothing more I can add....I hope they helped...Lynn