Random thoughts on my life stuff lately

[MillieH]

* Please don't read if it gets you down*

I don't feel down.. I feel anxious, confused and thoughts just run in my head like a hamster on a ferris wheel

Back History...

My sister was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer June 30, 2015.. I went to stay with her on July 1..then in Sept I brought her down here.. I stayed really calm through the process, was totally there for her until she died apparently peacefully in Nov. I dunno if it feels how it appears to outsiders but it seemed so peaceful to me... Then a few days later I had to get her 15 year old yorkie put to sleep.. We were very close and I was confused by my controlled emotions during this whole time..

Dec 23 I was diagnosed with stage 4 Colorectal cancer, its such a poopy cancer lol.. so anyways,, its spread to the liver, some spots are showing on the spine.. and 1 in the lung... I've had colonscopy, sigmoid, ct scan, bone scan and 2 MRI(s) Through it all I've had this crazy calmness.. well except when the oncologist told me it was stage 4.. I laughed so hard through the whole appointment.. except for the last 2 -3 mins when I gave a synopsis of what he had said so he could confirm that I had gotten all the info... He said , stage 4 in colorectal cancer is different than stage 4 in other cancers.. it doesn't mean there isn't anything to do UNLESS its in the bones.. Two spots showed so I'm unsure what that means yet..I had a full body bone scan last week and will get the results later today (hopefully)..

On monday I saw the surgeon who last week said , I would be having 2 surgeries, colon and liver at the same time, after ungoing radiation. This week he said IF I had surgery there would be two as the mass is lower and much bigger than he thought at first.. I asked whether the IF was just wording or because of the results of the MRIs ..he said it was because of the results.. He then made an appointment for me to go back in a month so see how I'm doing UNLESS I'm getting chemo.. radiation is also off the table.. The bone scan results weren't showing online yet..

I've still been feeling calm, no emotional periods but my tummy is anxious this morning.. I did do some googling.. oh gosh.. it really made me think I should be doing funeral planning, lordie.. I'd advise against doing that.. I then found a few support groups where people with similar diagnosis share things.. there is a great deal of information, some frightening things and some really positive stuff as well..

I'm not posting this to get prayers or sympathy.. I don't need either.. I have a belief that whatever is meant to happen will.. I just need to get my thoughts out and to be heard.. its an odd feeling but I can't say to my family what I think about sometimes..

On a really funny note if you go to squattypotty on facebook , on the left side of the page they have their ad.. its so freaking funny and I actually ordered one off amazon.. I'm going to be making rainbow glitter ice cream lolll .. I actually feel better now.. I'm also thinking of getting a few coloring books, apparently there are some with swear words.. I think it would be funny to color them alll pretty!! Thanks for reading.. have a great day

[luvthefree]

i really feel for you. you seem to have a great attitude towards your illness.

[MortgageQueen]

Millie,
I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. You're not abnormal at all. Your brain is dealing with all these tragedies in the way that you, yourself can handle it. Likely you're not an overly emotional person in a normal state. I recognize some of your emotions as similar to mine when dealing with emergencies, tragedies, etc.

It sounds like you haven't truly dealt with it all yet and that's just fine. Your brain will do it in it's own good time. I suspect the results of bone scan will trigger some new feelings.

In regards to your family, it's not unusual not to always say how you feel, but sometimes there's an individual you might not usually talk to about your feelings that may, in this circumstance, be just the right one to talk to. . .if that makes any sense! I'm just saying a friend o family that are good listener, been through something big, or just really intuitive could help.

I hope you get a good report, but either way, let us know. . .

[Shwa Girl]

MillieH, thank you for sharing such personal thoughts with us. I know that you have helped many with this thread and with how you are approaching your life right now.
(((hugs + thx)))

[Nina1]

Wow, now that was a mouthful. I am 57 so I have lived a little. So when I tell you that you are not alone I think you know that and the reason you go to the support groups is for a) information, no point in trying to hide aand who knows better than someone who has been there, and b) support because again who knows better than someone who has been there. I think also that you are a "cup is half full" kinda person. I am hoping that will continue for you and help you when you need it most. I will pray for you anyway because I do believe the positive energy (won't hurt a bit) already exists for you. I have seen more cancer in this lifetime than I care to admit so I will wish you well and hope for good things for you and your family! Take care.....

[bluerose]

Thanks Millie for showing us how you are coping and how you need to get those thoughts out there ,glad you have people in support groups also. Just went and checked out squatty potty ha ha a little humour can go a long way eh?

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[Mia001]

sorry to hear all the stuff that you're going through.....
hoping you get good news soon

[Redneck Charger]

Millie, as I told you I will be adding you to my nightly prayers. You would not be normal if you didn't get some kind of anxiety. I feel for you, and as I said you will be in my prayers. God Bless YOU!!

[Skippy]

Thank you for sharing your story,sorry you are dealing with so much,I admire your attitude.
Prayer offered on your behalf.
We're here for you.

[Natalka]

Praying for you!

[walkonby]

aw Millie, if it helps to write it out in here, just know that we will always lend an ear. I now you are not looking for sympathy or the like, will most certainly have you in my thoughts though. Take care.

[momof3heathens]

I tend to be stoic when faced with real concerns myself. Helps me cope when things are too chaotic.

Btw if it's isn't too much a review on the potty when you are up to it would be appreciated.

[MillieH]

Yesterday's appointment was extremely hopeful ~ he doesn't know what caused the 2 spots to show on the spine in the CT but the bone scan showed everything CLEAR.. YaY .. We are starting with chemo.. every two weeks.. they do 3 ivs at the hospital and then I have to keep one in for 2 days at home. The great part about having to wear the stuff at home is it qualifies me for the ontario drug plan , meaning I won't have to pay for these expensive meds. A person comes on the 2nd day and removes the stuff and cleans the pic line they attach to me..

Apparently I will get hand and foot syndrome which i keep confusing with foot in mouth lolll.. anyways.. they hope it will shrink the liver stuff enough to let me have a liver resection in about 4 months..the treatments will last 3 months.. then if its shrunk the colorectal I will get a colon surgery as well after I recover from the liver.. if it hasn't shrunk enough I will get radiation... I believe after all that I'll get chemo again..

I feel really fortunate to have this chance to possibly be cured.. Thanks so much for the kind words, amusing photos .. I will do a review on the squatty potty, its scheduled to arrive tonight lol

[Candini]

And all is well, MillieH. Support groups are excellent for health issues I have found, some members are free either online or plan meet up groups, whatever you are comfortable with.

Take care of yourself.

[Skippy]

Rejoicing with you that you found yesterday's appointment hopeful.