Totally shocked!

[hollyquaiscer]

You are truly a great friend. Although divorce is no excuse for her attitude towards you or her laxidazical approach to parenting lately, she may just be really confused and feel alone at this point in her life. Since her parents didn't event know she was going through this process, it seems she may really need you and perhaps doesn't know how to reach out to you.

I'm wishing you luck with this tough conversation you're going to have with her and hope everything goes well. If not, I'm hoping that you can leave your relationship in a state where, when she resolves her issues, she feels comfortable coming to you with the appology you so dererve. I hope you will update us after your conversation with her.

[erin9mmm]

You're a good friend, and whether or not she wants to admit it, she needs a friend like you.
I also think if I were you I would be handling it the same way. I like to give the benefit of the doubt too (even though I'm often warned not to) especially when something in my gut feels things aren't so black and white.
I hope your conversation goes well with her today.

[Kelly5]

I've now phoned her. When she picked up the phone she immediately started yelling at me. When I finally got to talk I explained that I knew what was happening and that she is upset. I also stated that I would not accept being treated poorly, and did not condone teaching her children to be destructive. No matter what the reason, destruction is not acceptable. She started to cry and say that she was just so confused. I didn't want to be drawn into the tears without an acceptance that the behaviour she demonstrated was wrong and that I still deserved an apology. When I told her this she hung up on me. I'm not quite sure how to respond, but I think that I'll just wait for her to call me. I know that she might not ever call, but I feel like the ball is in her court now. In the end, I still don't condone the behaviour and want her to acknowledge that destruction is wrong.

[momof5boys]

I've now phoned her. When she picked up the phone she immediately started yelling at me. When I finally got to talk I explained that I knew what was happening and that she is upset. I also stated that I would not accept being treated poorly, and did not condone teaching her children to be destructive. No matter what the reason, destruction is not acceptable. She started to cry and say that she was just so confused. I didn't want to be drawn into the tears without an acceptance that the behaviour she demonstrated was wrong and that I still deserved an apology. When I told her this she hung up on me. I'm not quite sure how to respond, but I think that I'll just wait for her to call me. I know that she might not ever call, but I feel like the ball is in her court now. In the end, I still don't condone the behaviour and want her to acknowledge that destruction is wrong.

I just wanted to let you know that you are handling this with grace and maturity....

[torontogal12]

I just wanted to let you know that you are handling this with grace and maturity....

Definitely. What an awful situation on so many levels!

[screamy]

I've now phoned her. When she picked up the phone she immediately started yelling at me. When I finally got to talk I explained that I knew what was happening and that she is upset. I also stated that I would not accept being treated poorly, and did not condone teaching her children to be destructive. No matter what the reason, destruction is not acceptable. She started to cry and say that she was just so confused. I didn't want to be drawn into the tears without an acceptance that the behaviour she demonstrated was wrong and that I still deserved an apology. When I told her this she hung up on me. I'm not quite sure how to respond, but I think that I'll just wait for her to call me. I know that she might not ever call, but I feel like the ball is in her court now. In the end, I still don't condone the behaviour and want her to acknowledge that destruction is wrong.

You're a class act, my dear. If anything, while going through the emotional turmoil of a divorce, she needs friends like you who will be there for her, but who are friends, not doormats.

And her kids will need boundaries and discipline - all the time, but even more so when their world gets turned upside down. She will reap what she sows, and so will you, so kudos to you for being a true friend to her. I hope it all works out well.

[Minou]

Could she be bipolar?

[i_forget]

Stress can do a lot of things to a person.
when your life is falling apart you do anything just to not breakdown.
i find it interesting that she is getting divorced and no one seemed to know about it.
is something going on with her that is deeper?
i do not know how close you are to her husband or if he is one one you could talk to, but maybe it could be an option?
while I do find her behaviour deplorable, I think that she could just be under so much stress and pressure or even be sick that she is taking it out on anyone and everyone to push them away so she does not have to face it.

I would first evaluate how much the relationship means to you, and how much you are willing to take.

i had a gf who was going through something similar. She would just be horrid to me and everyone.
i ended up going to her house, confronting her, getting her so mad that she just lost it, and once her anger was out, she opened up to me and was able to get out what was going on....and then she able to cope with her situation. All she needed was to be able to blow her stack and have someone listen without judgement. I took some major crap from her, but I knew that was not who she was and our relationship was more important to me than tolerating a momentary lapse.

[mizadkhah]

Wow! You couldn't even make this stuff up. What a hideous, horrible situation to place you in.

I agree with the others who think you should return her cheque & just have nothing further to do with her. Good riddance to people like that in your life.

Karma will catch up with her.

Just go about your life & hold your head up high - you don't need negative energy like that around you or your children.

Take care & happy 2013!

[QueenH]

sounds like you are better off without that trash. Send her a lump of coal and think no more about it.

[anisa]

no matter how sorry she feels for herself, she is still not acting in a way that is at all justifiable, unless she has psychological issues that are completely out of her control.

she obviously doesn't want your help or support right now.

just let it go for now. perhaps one day she will grow out of this.

[ellis123]

Send the cheque back with a note that good parenting skills doesn't include teaching kids to be vandals and that she is lucky that you do not report the incident to the police since she confessed it to you. See what she thinks of that.

[SharonMe]

Hurt people hurt people.
She's hurting right now and she might be trying to alienate herself from everyone.
I think you're handling it well after reading the whole story.
I think she needs your friendship now.
This is a tough time of year to be dealing with things like divorce.

[Kelly5]

I don't necessarily think I'm acting like a doormat. All I've really done is call some friends and her parents to see what's going on, and then phone her. I don't really think that's really going out of my way. I totally agree that smashing other people's cars is not acceptable, and I don't think there is any excuse for that. I don't think it matters how bad your situation is, that doesn't mean vandalism is okay.

I've stated that I don't condone her behaviour, however, sometimes being a good friend means trying to help. Since I've known her for over 20 years and have never had this type of issue with her before, I feel like I owe it to her and myself to try and preserve this friendship. At the moment I'm not quite sure how to proceed as she hung up on me, but I will probably try to call our other mutual friends and try to sort this out.

I'm not saying that I would go through this over and over with a friend. There comes a point where I need to get rid of them because they are so negative that they are bringing down my own life. I just don't think that getting rid of a friend when they need help is a good thing. When I've gone through things, albeit without the vandalism and nasty letter, I have been able to depend upon her. I'm not ready to give up on her without trying to help more.

I also don't think that calling them names is beneficial, especially the last word you used. I can't stand when people use that word. It's demeaning to women, and if you are a woman then I definitely don't understand the use of that word, and if you are a man then you should know better. I've never really understood calling people names. It doesn't solve anything and really only makes the argument worse. Instead of concentrating on the argument and solving the problem the name calling results in hurt feelings and making the argument degenerate into meaninglessness.

[SarahS83]

I really respect your attitude Kelly5. When I first read your post I had the same reaction as others, forget her, move on etc. But after reading your further posts it made me re-think. She is hurting and reacting. I think she feels you are being critical of her as a mother and is probably feeling prickly to any perceived criticism.

I 100% think what she did was wrong and teaching her kids that is just gross, but I can now see a bit more from her point of view.

I admire the way you have handled the whole thing. I don't know how it will all turn out as that is up to your friend but good for you for trying.