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Thread: Am I a bad persone?

  1. #1
    Smart Canuck idonovan's Avatar
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    I need to talk about my situation. I hope someone here can give me some good advice. Please if you have only mean things to say do not reply to this.
    I am still legally married to what is a good man who was very patient and considerate and accepting of my faults. But I was not happy. We had some issues a lot of it being his refusal to get off the night shift and therefore always being to sore or to tired to ever want to do things with me. Also sex was lacking and barley there. I tried to make it work because of him being a good man yet I was always doing things on my own. With the exception of going to dinner. Something that was nice but it was all we did as a couple. So as time progressed I got more and more lonely and sad. We no longer slept in the same bed at the same time.
    One night a friend of mine invited me out to a club night event here in town. Well I met another guy.... someone who made me happy and gave me something I was long since lacking. Yes I slept with him but told the husband. The husband was not happy but yet still wanted to work on things. That failed as I guess it was too late to mend things. Also at the same time I had a falling out with my mother who well was never the greatest mother anyway (another long story) and well she told me to move out of the basement suit apartment that is in the house she owns. She is still letting the husband stay (with all my animals that I miss and cant bring with me). I moved in with the guy. He is a good guy but im starting to see things that bug me already. I must wonder did I make the biggest mistake of my life? Why is it so hard to move on from this??? As per the new guys flaws? well theirs a few things. One he keeps referring to ex girlfriends and comparing life events that happen to things that happen with them that were similar. He also takes video games wayyyy to seriously to a point where he gets angry at them and yells at the virtual characters on the screen and he also has to tell me about all the awesome sniper shots he makes in the games or the achivments he unlocks and I really don't care. He also constancy posts screen shots on facebook about his "awesome gaming adventures". Also he has others. By that other voices in his heads... he takes meds so for the most part they are not "out" unless he drinks. That is something that I accepted before I moved in but now its starting to annoy me at times... I know little about it and not sure how to deal with it at time...
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  2. #2
    Canadian Genius DiamondLil's Avatar
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    Im sorry to say, but you messed up. I dont intend on sounding mean, and my only intention is to be honest with you, but you had a hard working loyal husband, and from the sounds of things you threw away everything with both hands. The new "man" you are living with sounds like an overgrown child.
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    I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for. It doesn't sound like the guy you are with right now is a stable person. Your husband isn't perfect, but no one is, so if you're looking for perfection, you're going to end up disappointed again. It sounds like you need to stop and think about what you want.
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    Un-nagged Male vesper's Avatar
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    Please do not drag your husband back into your life unless you are ready to make a commitment to him in good times and bad.
    Last edited by vesper; Mon, Feb 25th, 2013 at 04:31 AM.

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    Canadian Genius anisa's Avatar
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    it sounds like you already know where you went wrong. it seems you are already well aware that the new guy is not going to be a positive part of your life, if you continue to be with him.

    i get that your marriage lacked what you needed to be emotionally satisfied. it happens to a lot of ppl.
    the next time you are involved with someone you are going to have to figure out what your personal priorities are in life. what do you really want and need and what are the things you are not willing to give up. that might keep you from attaching yourself to someone prematurely, and dragging them down with you when you realize that the relationship is not what you actually wanted.

    don't go back to your husband. he deserves to move on.

    you are in a bit of a mess, but you will have to repair the damage all by yourself. the ppl in your life that have been hurt by all of this won't be ready to forgive you very easily, even when the time comes when you will be ready to move forward.

    good luck with everything


  6. #6
    searching for answers i_forget's Avatar
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    Relationships do not make us happy.

    If I am not happy, then no one else is going to make me happy but me. That is something that comes from inside us.

    If I was you, I would not be with this new guy. That sounds like it is just being with someone for the sake of not being alone.
    Get your own place and start working on any changes that you need to make within yourself to be a happier person.

    When you are in a better place with yourself, you will be able to give yourself positively to a relationship.

    Good luck.
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    .
    Last edited by lecale; Tue, Jan 20th, 2015 at 10:46 AM.
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    Being on your own is scary because we get too dependant and comfortable with the status quo. I have 2 close personal freinds who walked away from 25 year relationships. Both were a SAHM raised the kids did the whole bit for 20+ years, one got her act together got a great job and an apartment and is doing great the other also same amount of time committed to marriage left and now is working and getting her masters. Both are in their 50's.

    They both walked and never looked back.
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    Canadian Guru coyote00's Avatar
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    My advise in a nutshell would be "move out and move on to finding yourself" before entering any more relationships. You need to make sure what you are seeking is what you really want. Best wishes to you on your journey.
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    guitar nut darwinsmistake's Avatar
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    wow there is some great advice here you are not a bad person you just made a really bad decision and still are your exhubby deserves to move on and the guy needs an honest relationship and i think you need to get to know urself good luck
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    Smart Canuck erin9mmm's Avatar
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    I know there is more to the story but from what you wrote I can't help but to feel sorry for your husband. Marriage is not easy, it takes a lot of work from both sides, but I feel there are some lines you just don't cross when things go bad. Unfortunately I think you are learning a hard lesson right now. That being said I think you are very brave to admit your mistakes here and ask for advice - many people wouldn't be able to do that.
    I agree with other posts about taking time for yourself. It seems like you make hasty decisions so some time to put things in perspective and decide what you really want I think is wise.
    'One day at a time' always works for me.
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    Canadian Genius redhdlois's Avatar
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    You can't change others, you can only change yourself.....sounds like it's time to focus on yourself.
    I'm curious to know how long you'd known this man before moving in with him....
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    Mastermind Lynn49's Avatar
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    All great advice: you flew from the frying pan right into the fire. That pan might have only been luke-warm, but that fire is only going to burn you (out). Get out while the going is good. Your mistake wasn't moving away from your marriage, your mistake was the way you did it. You wanted different, and you've got it.
    Get out on your own, make your own way, find out who you are and what you want.
    But don't flop into anyone else's arms who calls you "Baby". (bet he does....) Just my humble opinion.....
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    Cat Trainer (Trainee??) Andit's Avatar
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    First things first - no, you are not a bad person. A bad person would not think twice about hurting someone and not worry that he/she'd made a mistake.

    I have a friend who had a very hard time being on her own. She went from living with her folks to living with a bf. Then onto another bf when the relationship broke down. This went on for several years. It wasn't until she moved out on her own and learned to enjoy her own company that she was really happy. She's now happily married with a little girl.


    It sounds like you were looking for a change or adventure or to fill a void. But I think you rushed into something that can't fill the missing piece. My friends and I talk about relationships as being the icing on the cake, but without the cake - and the meal! - icing only gets you so far.

    My advice - for what it's worth - is to find a place of your own that you can afford, no matter how tiny (I live in a teeny studio apt with a dog and cat) and fill your life with some new adventures. Change your job if you don't find it satisfying, do volunteer work, take a course (there are free online courses if money is an issue), find a new hobby you've never tried. Give yourself a chance to become a more complex person. Don`t ever rely on a spouse/significant other to make you happy - that`s something only you can do.


    Sometimes I get frustrated with the way my life is (health issues put a real dent into the way I thought it was going to turn out - not necessarily a bad thing, but not the easy way, that's for sure). Here's a pretty little song about wanting a different life.

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    Mastermind Lynn49's Avatar
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    Such wise counsel, Andi...so true....
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