Household duties. And are you a nag?

[MortgageQueen]

While I do most of the house cleaning, dh will always lend a hand when asked. I'm most often perfectly fine with that as he's the one who always runs around driving our sons all over the place (friend's homes, work, school, etc.) and does most of the outdoors work like mowing the lawn (he claims it's still tiring even though he has a ride on, lol) and removing the snow off the driveway. He also does the majority of the cooking and wakes me up gently with a back rub and a coffee so I really have no right to complain, lol.

My boys normally don't volunteer to do housework (other than take the garbage and recycling bins out) but they almost always lend a hand when asked. One works an average of 60 hrs per week so I don't like to ask too much of him other than keep his room tidy and maybe get a load of laundry done every now and then. My teen is still in high school and works the entire weekend so we just expect him to keep his room tidyish (tidy for a 15 year old is still pretty messy for me, lol, but it'll have to do ). He does empty the dishwasher daily without being asked (most of the time) and has recently started helping with cooking and baking.

I think what works for us is we really enjoy spending time together as a family (I live with quite the comedians) so even housework can be fun in our home when we do some of it together. We just keep it short and sweet so cleaning house never becomes a drag for our boys.

Sounds just about right to me!

[marstec]

Oh no, nothing counts when they're teenagers, lol. The real test is when they move out on their own and have their own families and they call you apologizing belatedly for not helping out more when they were living at home .

Did I mention that I have three teenagers? By the time they all move out, I will be a blithering idiot.

I'm kind of envious of your situation, not going to lie.

[MortgageQueen]

Mothers out there.......PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make your sons do household things!!! The last guy I dated (and had dated for several years) is now 28.....and while I still love his mother to death.....she does EVERYTHING for him. She goes into his room, gets his laundry, washes, dries, folds/irons and puts it away. She picks up in his room and has to tell him to do anything and everything 500 times......after which he always did what he wanted anyway. He'd never cook anything for himself....if she was away he would order take out..........he never lifted a finger to clean....anything....not even his own room. It drove me insane! LOL He would regularly scoff at me for being unemployed (thanks to our great economy) because he works...yadda yadda yadda.......which was true.....but outside of work he barely existed as a person outside of his mother! LOL

Hmmmmm. I married one of those guys. It's a good thing he's so loveable cause I'd have murdered him by now. It's taken 28 yrs, but he actually does a few chores without being asked now.

[Speckled28]

I agree with you in theory, but I will broaden it to include ladies too. I prepare all the food. My children do not do anything that requires much effort, ie peeling an apple or washing fruit etc. They would rather do without than to have to put forth the effort. My one son's idea of getting something to eat is to pour himself a gallon of Goldfish crackers. My 18 year old daughter thinks she knows how to cook because she makes packaged macaroni and cheese. I swear, if there were a world catastrophe and children had to scramble for existence, mine would be the first casualties. Not only do they not know how to prepare food, they are picky beyond belief. Talk about first world problems, having a mother that tries to force vegetables on them!

I completely agree.....ladies too! I've just only had personal experience with men, lol. He always looked at me like I'd grown a second head if I said I couldn't go out when he wanted because I had laundry to do or things to clean or had to be back in time to make dinner etc etc. I live at home still.....but since I'm not working right now I do the majority of those things.

As far as cooking goes....I'll be the first to admit I'm not horribly skilled. I hardly eat any meat (some chicken and bacon) and so I've never really learned to cook it. And I'm a germophobe so meat is my nemesis, lol. My mom isn't super fussy after she's worked all day though......fish in the oven, french fries and a salad are fine with her. I'm also a very picky eater.....but maybe in the opposite way of your kids. I liked bland, plain foods.......and can't get enough fruits and vegetables! I don't like bbq sauce, salad dressing, dips, spices, mustard, relish etc etc.

[sweet sparrow]

One of my friends calls it "gently reminding" instead of the word nag. DH always claims that I yell at him if I calmly and softly point out that the dishes need to be done. I repeat my "yelling" to other people, since it's become a funny story among friends, exactly the way I say it at home and everyone prefers the way I "yell" to how they get nagged/yelled at. Odd, but I've never raised my voice at him (unless he's far away) and he's never yelled at me. So, we don't yell in this house, only gentle reminders are given.

If things need to be done, I leave things in inconvenient places. If a lightbulb I need help reaching needs replacing, I leave it on the lid of his coffee maker. If laundry needs to be done, I leave the basket at the top of the stairs. Soon, things get taken away and done because he can't do what he wants without ignoring my obvious hints.

I find I don't get to waste my time nagging, and stretch my creativity in finding new ideas to put things in his way.

[snuffaluffagus]

Did I mention that I have three teenagers? By the time they all move out, I will be a blithering idiot.

I'm kind of envious of your situation, not going to lie.

Marstec, I am a blithering idiot, rofl! I can't help it, I live with three other blithering idiots and it just rubbed off on me after all these years. If you can't beat them, join them, right ?

In all honesty, I wasn't so much a nag but I was a complainer/whiner/feel-sorry-for-myself kinda gal. Dh is the complete opposite and his mantra, "get over it," really helped me get over it, lol. At some point, I learned to focus on all the wonderful things they have to offer and suddenly, they were offering so much more. Make sense?

I know this is going to sound a little weird to some and a little off-topic but, you'll understand shortly how it ties in. When I adopted our troubled shelter dogs, I tried my best to learn how to train and rehabilitate them without using aversives (Cesar and Brad were not at all my style). I came across a book called "Don't Shoot The Dog" by Karen Pryor. Little did I know when I first picked it up that it wasn't only about training dogs, it was about changing your own behavior/actions so that the behavior of others, including humans, around you change. It's all about positive reinforcement and shaping wanted behaviors. I figured if it works on dogs, cats, dolphins, and even chickens and gold fish (yes, even they can be trained to perform certain behaviors!!) then I'll become a pro at teaching my boys and dh too . As a matter of fact, some of these teaching tools are now used to train professional athletes and children with autism alike. I thought I'd throw this out there...it's really worth the read .

[glowworm2k]

DH and I moved in together in 2008 and had a sit-down talk about household responsibilities before we did. During our talk, we set expectations, rules and divided the work (DH actually contributed to this talk!!! ). Now, we each have a set of weekly chores. They must be completed by Sunday night at 6pm - no ifs, ands, or buts. DH's chores include cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming the house and sorting+taking out the garbage and recycling. He is also responsible for doing all of the dishes and wiping down the countertops and table every night. In turn, I do the laundry, sweep/mop the house and cook meals. We also decide in advance when to do the big job chores (washing windows, etc.) that aren't done frequently and we split up the duties. I do end up doing more of the work, but knowing that he will do his chores and also pick up the slack with tidying up is a big help.

I hear horror stories from my friends about their husbands and their lack of household chore prowess; I got lucky - DH had been living away from home (with a string of slobby roommates/past girlfriends and then by himself) and doing virtually every chore by himself unassisted for years when we met. This was a godsend. It also turns out that both of us had responsibilities for chores from a young age.

When I was growing up, my Mom got sick (mental health stuff + chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia) when I was a pre-teen. After that point, my sister and I did all the household cooking and cleaning. Then when my sis moved out, I did it all. Moving out on my own made chores way easier as my tiny apartment could be cleaned in a snap, unlike Mom's big house! I have lowered my standards a bit, but I'll blame that on grad school, not DH.

[sweet sparrow]

I should put a note on DH's ability to help. It's not like he sits around and watches me do all the housework all day. He works every weekday until late, drives to and from a job that's hours away, so it's just me to cook, clean, pack lunches, etc. on the weekdays. On the weekends, I'm exhausted and basically leave him a trail of obstacles on Saturday morning, while I get out for the shopping.

I only wish I could say we had the same tolerance for dirt! What I consider dirty or needs cleaning is still very different than what he considers needs cleaning!

[gourmetsue]

I do about 98% of the house work / cooking / shopping. DH grumps about having to go food shopping and suggests that I "like" to shop so he doesn't want to deprive me. What a gem he is. Little does he know I don't like shopping either..unless there is a coupon of course ;-)

[VeeVee]

I do most - but BF will take the garbage out (without being asked usually, but there is the occasional nag to take it out). The thing is I would rather clean bc I am picky and sometimes I will go over what he has cleaned already and well then that is just a waste of time lol so I usually say go take the dog for a run while I clean lol
The one thing he nags me about is laundry...I hate doing it so he does it! Sometimes he will do laundry while I clean the house so its win win really lol

[hollyquaiscer]

Wow, reading through the posts there is a real gamet of ways it's done in everyones house. I will chime in here. I raised 5 girls (youngest one is now 24) and had 14 foster children through our home over 22 years, most of them with us for at least 6 months or longer. 4 of them with us for over 10 years. So we had a house full, ages ranged from 18 months to 17 years old at any one time. I will explain the way it worked then, and the way it works now. Of coarse two totally different systems.

THEN - A list was posted on the frindge every month, same chores every month and each child had there name on a line. If the child did a chore, they got a sticker next to there name. At the end of the week, they got paid for the amount of chores they did. At the end of every month, if a child did more that 20 chores, there was a secret bonus. They never new what the bonus was going to be. It could be anything from extra money, a weekend snowboarding trip, or an evening of dinner and a movie. No child was ever asked to do anything other than make their bed and put their dirty clothes into the laundry basket in the laundry room. The rest was up to them.

A few reasons we choose this system. 1) It teaches the child that the harder they work, the better off they are at the end of the month (which is what we all want to teach our children) If you want to buy a car or a house, you work hard, save and then you can get what you want. 2) There is no free ride in life, everyone has to work and earn what they want.

This system works with children of all ages as the chores would range from feeding the dog and putting all the shoes on the shoe rack to cutting the grass and doing a load of laundry. It would only take a month or to for the new children to realize that they were never asked to do anything other than the 2 items that everyone was expected to do and there was no payment for these ttwo things. We never, ever gave in and bent the rules. Even the children we would have with downs syndrome or fetal alchol caught on real quick. I am proud to say that all the children (only 2 that don't keep in touch with us) through our home have thanked us on numerous occasions for teaching them some valuable lessons about life and hard work.

DH would take care of the vehicles, help out with driving the kids to the various activities they were involved in, and working hard to provide a good life for us. I ran the house (cooking, chores not done by kids, yardwork ((which was my favorite)) pets and so on) met with workers and Dr's and made sure the kids were all involved in something.

NOW - Just DH and I in our tiny condo, no yardwork to do (I just have pots on the patio) We travel whenever we want, and enjoy our family (and all our estended foster families). I still cook (when I can) as it is a passion of mine and I never considered this a chore. I do laundry and clean, walk the dog and shop. Dh looks after our vehicles, does laundry, will cook(when he has to), does dishes every night, helps out with laundry and housework. He will sho but I hate to send him as he is not great about checking prices, however he will use coupons and always brings me ones home when he sees them. So we have an even split now.

I feel that when we are raising our children, it is OUR JOB to teach them as much as we can about life without nagging or yelling or even laying a hand on them. Children naturally want to do what is right and we can easily guide them it that direction without them even knowing it. We are responsible to raise mature, helpful members of society so if we let them do nothing (such as the momma's boys out there), we have failed to teach them.

All that being said, of coarse this is just my opinion. Lord knows I have had my share of issues with my kids, and the youngest one developing an addiction to alcohol. But I feel I did something right as she recognised her problem and has taken steps to correct it. She has been clean and sober since she completed her treatment program. She is now working full time as an office manager in a Dr's office and also working part time evenings in a salon. I am proud of all my children, and thats what it's all about!

[francine1985]

I am really lucky. dh does the laundry and takes out the trash. he cleans the kitchen and bathroom as well as picks things up off the floor. he also does all the cooking. and he goes to work 8 hours a day and allows me to stay home with ds. he used to complain about the way i cleaned and redid everything that would just cause lots of stress and fighting on both sides and finally i said either accept the way i do things or do them yourself. he chose to do things himself. i still tidy up after myself and ds as much as i can (not so much right now as i am 7 months pregnant and cant really bend over to pick up and tidy the floor lol). the one job he has with ds that is he is solely responsible is bath times but he loves his son and also helps change diapers and plays with him when he is home from work and taking a break from whatever he decides he wants to clean. on weekends he will often take ds out for a walk or go shopping giving me a chance to get some more sleep or just relax.

in June he is going to take a few months off work to help with the 2 kids while i recover from the c-section and having my tubes tied. i will most likely keep the baby in the room with me to nurse and to give me a chance to nap while the baby naps but dh will be the one changing all the diapers at first and will be getting anything me or the baby needs. I am hoping the ds#1 will also spend some quiet time in the room with us but if he is being too playful (jumping on the bed or jumping on me/the baby) he will have to go in the other room with daddy. i recovered from one c-section and it was really painful anytime the bed shifted at all when dh got in out out of bed. plus he has a tendency to toss and turn too. i'm not looking forward to that at all...

anyway enough rambling on my point is that i am lucky that dh is such a picky control freak when it comes to cleaning since it makes him do 90% of the work himself and i can just concentrate on taking care of ds.

[Jody22002]

Mom to three teenagers here too.

I am blessed, I think. My H does help. Mind you, he does not do a great job at a few of the jobs such as the laundry. He will not sort and put it away so it ends up being super frustrating for me. He hauls all the clean laundry upstairs and then I have to haul everything that belongs downstairs back down because he hasn't sorted. He sometimes cooks, helps out with cleaning, and does almost all the outside chores.

One of my kids LOVES to clean. If I am cleaning, so is she. My son will clean without being asked...SOMETIMES...and about once a week, I will come home from work and he has made dinner. My 15 year old daughter, however, drives me crazy. She is messy. She has to be asked repeatedly to do something. She and her brother alternate doing dishes each night(we don't have a dishwasher..GASP) and every single time it is her turn, we have to fight with her to do them. She is awesome with her sister though(who has a disability) so I pick my battles. They get a list of chores to do every week and are expected to do them without getting paid for it.

[kanewtz]

Cooking Supper = Me (I get home 2.5 hrs before my wife from work)
Garbage = Me
Driveway/Mowing Lawn = Me
Dishes/Emptying Dishwasher = Me
Laundry = Me (I start it...she folds it/puts it away)
Cleaning = Both of us really (I work a lot of weekends so when I'm working, she cleans the house)
I usually have a bunch of time on my hands before she gets home from work so I am more than happy to do stuff. Also, I wake up on weekends light years ahead of her so I am able to do more stuff such as mow the lawn, wash cars, etc.

[FallenPixels]

We share them, he has to do all the icky jobs I hate doing like the garbage, recycling, bathroom and cat litter but with just the two of us, its easier to pick up as we go, do the dishes each night etc and spend an hour or so on the weekend doing the bigger stuff, mopping floors etc

As kids, we had our own chores. All three of us did the dishes after dinner (one washed, one dried and the little one sat in the counter and put the stuff back in the cupboards). On Saturday before we were allowed to leave the house, our chores had to be done or we didnt go out and we didn't get pocket money. It was always done by breakfast, we wanted out. But my parents started that when we were really young so it was second nature and carried on through our teens (when we also had a night where we had to make dinner for everyone)