Another Cheap Laugh Thread

[Natalka]

Good one, VeeVee!!!

A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!

[Patty Smyth]

They Walk Among Us!
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Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided people were too mistrustful of the deal, so he changed the sign to: Fridge for sale $50.
The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'

They Walk Among Us!
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving.'

They Walk Among Us!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. <o:p></o:p>
She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"
I explained a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

They Walk Among Us !
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so went to the lost luggage desk and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. <o:p></o:p>
'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...<o:p></o:p>

(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
And last, but not least:<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Dumb as a box of Rocks

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'<o:p></o:p>

[DH666]

Q: Why do you put electrical tape around hamsters?

A: I'm sorry, the punchline is X-Rated and I cannot post the answer.

[LoRaOz]

Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children.

Then Ted died of Heart Disease.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Again Judy remarried, and this time

She & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"

Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

[GottaLoveFreeebies]

How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the seat next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....


******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...


******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....


*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds..'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started....

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...


******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too..'

And then the fight started....


******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[VeeVee]

[Patty Smyth]

This one is PG RATED!!!!!


> California Love Story
>
>
> A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
>
> After having great sex ... she spent the next
>
> hour just rubbing his testicles ...
>
> Something she just loved to do.
>
> As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
>
> "Why do you love doing that?"
>
>
>
> "Because..." she replied ...
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "I Really Miss Mine"
>
>

[Patty Smyth]

An <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
obnoxious Hellish Blond Wife <o:p></o:p>
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<TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%; mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%"> <o:p></o:p>
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.<o:p></o:p>

The officer says,'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir .' <o:p></o:p>

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ' <o:p></o:p>

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' <o:p></o:p>

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,<o:p></o:p>

'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?' <o:p></o:p>

The wife smiles demurely and says,<o:p></o:p>

'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.' <o:p></o:p>

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,<o:p></o:p>

'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?' <o:p></o:p>

The officer frowns and says,<o:p></o:p>

'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.<o:p></o:p>

That's an automatic $75 fine. ' <o:p></o:p>

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.' <o:p></o:p>

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving..' <o:p></o:p>

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,<o:p></o:p>

'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'<o:p></o:p>

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,<o:p></o:p>

'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?' <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>

(I love this part)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

'Only when he's been drinking.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[Patty Smyth]

Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

Answer:
A crazy b*tch who WILL find you!

[Natalka]

[LoRaOz]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to
her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''

The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and
today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the
groom wearing black?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as
she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she
prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please
don't let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up,
brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once
again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But
please don't shove me either!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The
first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words
on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight
people to collect all the money!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she
requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for
her memorial service, she wrote, ' They wouldn't take me out while
I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if
you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took
Jesus with them to Jerusalem
.. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to
'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not
kill.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when
they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he
were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny
responded, 'I have pain in my side I think I'm going to have a
wife.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a
strong preaching on the devil.. One said to the other, 'What do you
think about all this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa
Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[LoRaOz]

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not

speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a

fourth time with the same result.

The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic ticket letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

Men never learn .

[LoRaOz]

BAD DAY AT HALLMARK ~ Ever wonder what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day ~

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it....

She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband...

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Life like!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

[Natalka]

LoRaOz - all of those postings are great!
-------

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

She's the only one that really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

[Turkish_DeLight]

oh Natalka lmao ^

If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the opposite of PROGRESS?